# episode

title: The Puerto Rican Day
the_date: May 7, 1998
director: Andy Ackerman
writer:
Alec Berg, Jennifer Crittenden, Spike Feresten, Bruce Eric Kaplan, Gregg Kavet, Steve Koren, David Mandel, Dan O'Keefe, Andy Robin and Jeff Schaffer.


# sentence

text:
It's missing, I have to do it in my head: decaf left, regular right, decaf left, regular right...it's very challenging work.


text:
Wait wait wait, what is she... (takes the milk can from Jerry and puts it on the table) What is she like?


text:
I mean, she's got like a real warmth about her and she's really bright and really pretty and uh... the conversation though, I mean, it was... talking with her is like talking with you, but, you know, obviously much better.


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I mean, she said, you know, she called this morning and said she had to come in for a seminar and maybe we'll get together.


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Uhm...I'd like to ask you...ask you to analyze a hypothetical phone call, you know, from a female point of view.


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...and, and 'maybe' she'll see me when she gets there, does this woman intend to spend time with me?


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You know, it's dark, there's bubbles happening, they're all kinda dancing around in there- shirt grabs the underwear, 'C'mon babe, let's go'.


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You come by, you open up the lid and they'll- (stiffens up, as the clothes) Socks are the most amazing article of clothing.


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I mean, come on, you got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now.


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(answering, quickly) If you know what happened in the Met game, don't say anything, I taped it, hello.


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Kessler walks over with his sandwich and looks at Jerry and uses expressions to ask Jerry to move the newspapers on the other side of the couch so he could site down.


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How are you?... Great... Sure... What time does the plane get in?... I got my friend George to take me...


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(Jerry takes a pencil and a cereal box to write on.) Ten-fifteen... No, don't be silly, go ahead and ask... Yeah, sure... Okay, great, no no, it's no trouble at all... I'll see you tomorrow... Great, bye.


text:
(as his father) 'Have you got your end?...Your end's got to come down first, easy now, drop it down...drop it down, your end's got to come down.'


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They, have a woman comin' over, 'I've gotta tidy up?' Yeah right, in these matters you never do what your instincts tell you.


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The dating world is not a fun world...it's a pressure world, it's a world of tension, it's a world of pain...and you know, if a woman comes over to my house, I gotta get that bathroom ready, 'cause she needs things.


text:
I know I don't have it, I know that- You know what they need, women seem to need a lot of cotton-balls.


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This is the one I'm- always has been one of the amazing things to me...I have no cotton-balls, we're all human beings, what is the story?


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I've never had one...I never bought one, I never needed one, I've never been in a situation, when I thought to myself: 'I could use a cotton-ball right now.' I can certainly get out of this mess.


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Women need them and they don't need one or two, they need thousands of them, they need bags, they're like peat moss bags, have you ever seen these giant bags?


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They're huge and two days later, they're out, they're gone, the, the bag is empty, where are the cotton-balls, ladies?


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The only time I ever see 'em is in the bottom of your little waste basket, there's two or three, that look like they've been through some horrible experience... tortured, interrogated, I don't know what happened to them.


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I don't know what to do with them, I took them out, I put them on my kitchen floor like little tumbleweeds.


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The only difference between a date and a job interview is not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.


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'Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the position, why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be workin' with?' 


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Listen, listen, don't get worked up, 'cause you're gonna know the whole story the minute she steps off the plane.


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Although what if it's one of those hugs where the shoulders are touching, the hips are eight feet apart?


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(Laura sits down on the couch, takes off her shoes and opens some buttons of her shirt.) So uh, can I get you anything?


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Uh, Jerry, uh, I was wandering, would it be possible ' and if it's not, fine ' for me to stay here tomorrow night too?


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Well... now I know this sounds touristy, but I'd just love to go on one of those five-hour boat rides around Manhattan.


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(to the phone) Hello?... Hi!... No no it was great, right on time... No, I, I'm gonna stay here tomorrow...yes, yes it's fine... No, we're goin' on a boat ride... Don't be silly... I'm not gonna have this conversation... Look, I'll call you tomorrow... Okay, bye.


text:
Now, he may not be our best man, okay, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene.


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That's why, I think, men get frustrated, when we see women reading articles, like: 'Where to meet men?' We're here, we are everywhere.


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What you must understand, Elaine, (picking up the umbrella) packing is no different than leading men into battle.


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(Jerry hits his bag rhythmically with his umbrella.) You've gotta know the strengths and weaknesses of every soldier in that platoon.


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(He uses the umbrella to point to certain compartments in the fridge.) No meat, no leftovers, no butter.


text:
One more thing, Benes, regarding sexual activity: Strictly prohibited, but if you absolutely must, do us all a big favour.


text:
So, now all day long she's walking around the apartment singing, 'God, I hope I get it, I hope I get it!' She's gonna get it right in her...


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I haven't seen it yet, but it's a two-bedroom, it's on the uh, west 83rd, 'bout a half block from the park?


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(Jerry puts his bags down, sits down on the couch, picks up the remote control and points it at the spot the TV usually occupies.


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Uh, Jer, well you know, I was cookin' and I, I uh, I came in to get this spatula...and I left the door open, 'cause I was gonna bring the spatula right back!


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Well, mister Seinfeld uh, we'll look into it and uh, we'll let you know if we uh, you know, if we find anything.


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Why would he answer- (Jerry gives up on the explanation and turns around to see George standing behind him.) How did you get in here?


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And now, the first couple a times you go through it, it's very upsetting and your first reaction or one of your friends will say, 'Call the police.


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You really should call the police.' So you think to yourself, you know, you watch TV, you think, 'Yeah, I'm calling the police.


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It's not like Batman, where there's three crooks in the city and everybody pretty much knows, who they are.


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(Elaine is shocked, Jerry opens the door to the hall.) Get it outta here right now, take it out the door, I don't even wanna see it, go, get it out.


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I could go as high as uh... (She takes a closer look at couch.) I don't know, maybe...twenty dollars?


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He walks back to the couch.) Oh, all right, forget it, I'm gonna take it with me now... (He picks up the cushions.) I'm just gonna pack up the cushions right now...


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(George takes the lease from his inside pocket and hands it to Jerry.) All right, gee, three years, that kinda seems like a long time.


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(frantic) Oh, Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry, listen, if, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at all, at all.


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If you're having second thoughts, if you didn't want it, don't worry about it because uh, you know, I, I...I could take it, you know.


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Excuse me, uh, I don't mean to cause any trouble here, but George, if you take it, can I take your place?


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And get this: I just got off the elevator with him and I tested him, I tested him, like I...this is what I said to him, like I, I was like this, I went, 'Oh, by the way, I know about the stuff.'


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One of the problems in life is that when you're a kid, you have a certain way of working out disagreements.


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'Your Honour, my client did ask for the front seat' And the judge would go, 'Did he call it?' 'Well no, he didn't call-' BANG!


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They're closing in on a hundred, I'm sayin' to them, 'How can you eat that stuff?' (They look at their menus again.) I'm so sick about losin' that choose, you don't know.


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Oh, you don't know how grateful I am, if there's anything I can ever do to repay you, I, I mean, we're just so thrilled with this place.


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I'm running in the park now, I've lost weight, we're barbecuing every night and the rent is unbelievable.


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How, how could you guys have turned this place down, it's such a great location and it's...so close to the park.


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If I didn't put that floss in my pocket, I'd be crawling around her bedroom right now looking for my glasses.


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If there was no sports and no women the only thing guys would ever say is, 'So, what's in the refrigerator?'


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I've heard the expression 'Laughing all the way to the bank.' I have never seen anyone actually doing it.


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I hate it when there's nobody on the line at all, you know that part, you go to the bank, it's empty and you still have to go through the little maze.


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(walking on the stage like he is going through a maze) 'Can you get a little piece of cheese for me?


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In fact, let me call his machine now and I'll just make up some excuse why I can't go to the game either.


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As long as you're going to lie to the guy, why don't you tell him that you lost both of the tickets, then we can go?


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And then you get to put your sauce and you get to sprinkle your cheese, and then- you slide it into the oven.


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With all due respect, I just never- I can't imagine anyone in any walk of life, under any circumstance, wanting to make their own pizza pie... but that's me.


text:
Joel... Oh, you just came in... Listen, I can't make it to the game tonight... I, uh, have to tutor my nephew... Yeah, he's got an exam tomorrow... Geometry... You know, trapezoids, rhombus... Anyway, listen, you take the tickets.


text:
They're at the Will-Call window... And I'm really sorry... Have a good time... We'll talk next week... Okay... Yeah, I don't... Fine..


text:
Huh... Thursday is no good because we've got to get to the hospital to see if we qualify as those organ donors.


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You know, I really... I've come to the conclusion that there are certain friends in your life that they're just always your friends, and you have to accept it.


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The only way to get through talking with people that you don't really have anything in common with is to pretend you're hosting your own little talk show.


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The only problem with this is there's no way you can say, 'Hey, it's been great having you on the show.


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It's not going to change even if you go from the red sun of Krypton all the way to the yellow sun of the Earth.


text:
(balancing a spoon on her nose) Hey, why don't you take her to that place in Vermont I was telling you about?


text:
But Simons said that if I wanted to get involved, that Wilkinson would tell me the exact right minute to sell.


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You're kidding... Well, what's wrong?... So, what are we gonna do?... Great!... All right, I'll speak to you later.


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(He hangs up.) Wilkinson, the guy who's supposed to tell us when to sell the stock, he's in the hospital.


text:
I think the only reason we go to the dry cleaner is so I can say to the dry cleaner, 'Well, it's ruined.' And of course, the dry cleaner can respond, 'It's not our fault.


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That ends our legal obligation.' You see, the whole problem with dry cleaning is that we all believe that this is actually possible.


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When you get something on your shirt, ever get something on your shirt and try to get it off like that (Jerry brushes off his shirt.) That's dry cleaning.


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Yeah, and you're just what she's looking for too ' a stranger leering through a pair of binoculars ten floors up.


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Or uh, Boy, that's, that's something.' But, eventually you have to come back with, 'Well, I love you.' You know, you can only hold out for so long.'


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'This is Nancy, this is Susan, this is Amy, this is my cousin, this is my brother, this is my father...' It's like I'm in quicksand.


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There's this guy who lives in my building, who I was introduced to a couple of years ago by a friend.


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Anyway, after we met, whenever we'd run into each other on the street, or in the lobby, or whatever, we would stop and we would chat a little.


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Is this 805-555-3234?... Yes, I know I have the wrong number, but I just want to know if I dialed wrong or if...


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You're almost out!' It's like I was making a prison break, you know, and I'm heading for the wall, and I trip and I twist my ankle, and they throw the light on you, you know.


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...so, it must've been ninety-five degrees that night, and everyone's just standing around the pool with little drinks in their hands.


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And as I'm getting out, I feel all these eyes on me, and I look up and everyone is just staring at me.


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Hey, you know, Jerry, just because George and I don't see each other anymore, it doesn't mean we shouldn't stay friends.


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You know, and sometimes she'll go, (imitates Marlene) 'Hello, Jerry?' And I'll go, 'Oh, hi Marlene.' And then it's 'Jerry...'


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There's no break in the conversation where you can go, 'All right then...' You know, it just goes on and on and on without a break in the wall.


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As soon as she goes, I'm getting her magazine.' And then, they finally call you and it's a very exciting moment.


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I'll see you all later.' You know, so you think you're going to see the doctor, but you're not, are you?


text:
But if they are, you know, doing some sort of medical thing to you, you want to be in the smallest room that they have, I think.


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(Kramer smiling) I mean, I've seen her a couple of times since then, and I know I can't go any further, but... She's just got this like, psychosexual hold over me.


text:
Well, the apartment elevators are always slower than the offices, because you don't have to be home on time.


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We did meet once.' And I said, 'Well, how do you go from that to totally ignoring a person when they walk by?'


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And he says, he says, 'Look, I just didn't want to say hello anymore, All right?' And I said, 'Fine.


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And I'll tell you what... You don't have to pay me back the thirty-five I gave to the chiropractor for the rest of your bill.


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I'm in development, research, consulting...' Men on the other hand ' if they are physically attracted to a woman ' are not that concerned with her job.


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(gesturing to Helen) She makes me fly all the way from Florida for this, and then she criticizes my jacket.


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And I'm going to build these different levels, with steps, and it'll all be carpeted with a lot of pillows.


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Whenever he has a problem with one of these high-powered big shots in the Parks Department, you know who he calls?


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I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats coming into New York harbor, I never saw one of them sittin' on a pony.


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Jerry answers it.) Hello?... No- oh, hi... (Kramer leaves) no, they just left... Oh, my God... hang on a second.


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I think if you can't stretch out and get some solid rest at that point, I don't see how bedding accessories really make the difference.


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You know, if the situation were reversed and Manya had some mah-jongg championship or something, I wouldn't expect her to go to my funeral.


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You know, funerals always make me think about my own mortality and how I'm actually gonna die someday.


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I know, and then you say to yourself, 'From this moment on, I'm not gonna waste any more of it.' But then you go, 'How?


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If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's gonna wanna hang around Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway?


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She grew up in a different world ' a simpler world ' with loving parents, a beautiful home in the country, and from what I understand, she eve had a pony.


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Leave the winter clothing in the apartment, and I'll watch it for you and I'll live there and I'll make sure that nothing happens to it.


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(Jerry crouches down, and makes like he's riding a pony.) 'Hey, uh, you wanna get back behind the barricades.


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(Jerry picks up a tie display, and shakes it rhythmically from left to right.) Look, Elaine, tie carwash.


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(singing) 'Master of the house/Doling out the charm/Ready with a handshake and an open palm/Tells a saucy talk/Loves to make a stir/Everyone appreciates a...'


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(singing) : 'Master of the house/Keeper of the inn...' (Jerry re-enters the living room and modestly models his new jacket for George.


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(George heads for the door.) I'm walking outta here right now thinking you paid a thousand dollars for this jacket, unless you tell me different.


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I'll tell you what, if you don't say anything in the next five seconds, I'll know it was over a thousand.


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(The waiter returns with the drinks, and distributes them to the men.) Which one's suppose to be the funny guy?


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Once a man has children, for the rest of his life, his attitude is, 'To hell with the world, I can make my own people.


text:
Now, I am standing outside, and I am freezing, but I cannot leave because I have to tell him what happened to the car.


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He said he was getting special instructions, that each dove has a different diet... So, we're wandering around trying to get a cab, when two of these doves fly out!


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We're gonna ruin the whole outfit here!' 'Is it suede?' 'I am suede, the whole thing is suede, I can't have this cleaned.


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(excited) So then, as we were leaving, we were just kind of standing there, and she was sort of smiling at me, and I wasn't sure if she wanted me to ask her out, because when women smile at me I don't know what it means.


text:
Sometimes I interpret it like they're psychotic or something and I don't know if I'm supposed to smile back, I don't know what to do.


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For me to ask a woman out I gotta get into a mental state like the karate guys before they break the bricks.


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And, and to cover my nervousness I started eating an apple, because I think if they hear you chewing on the other end of the phone, it makes you sound casual.


text:
So, we're talking, and I don't like to go too long before I ask them out, I wanna get it over with right away, so I just blurt out, 'What are you doing Saturday night?'


text:
Now wait a second, you mean the one where the guys are all standing around, supposedly being very casual and witty?


text:
Yeah, they're so funny and so comfortable with each other, and I could be comfortable too, if I had pants like that.


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(Donna starts to get annoyed that Jerry won't let the conversation go) Even if somehow somewhere men actually talk like that, what does that have to do with the pants?


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Because whenever you think about this person in terms of the future, you have to magnify everything about them.


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Could I look at uneven eyebrows for the rest of my life?' And of course the woman's looking at the guy, thinking, 'What is he looking at?


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I'm supposed to see her again on Thursday, but can I go out with someone who actually likes this commercial?


text:
She was laughing, I was funny... I kept saying to myself, 'Keep it up, don't blow it, you're doing great.'


text:
Of course you do, but you're imagining a guy you like, not a guy who goes, 'Oh no, I don't drink coffee late at night.' If I call her now, she's gonna think I'm too needy.


text:
All right, you're up there, you're on the stage and you go, 'Hey, you ever notice how cars here in New York, they never get out of the way of ambulances anymore.


text:
Someone's in a life-and-death situation, and we're thinking, 'Well, sorry buddy, you should've thought of that when you were eating cheese omelettes and sauages for breakfast every morning for the last thirty years.'


text:
Y'know, my brother-in-law once left a message on this guy's machine, and he blurted out some business information he wasn't supposed to, and it would have cost him fifteen thousand dollars, so he waited outside the guy's house and when the guy came home he went upstairs with him and he switched the tape.


text:
(back-pedalling) No, he, he didn't actually tell me that, uh, we were talking about that commercial ' in fact I think I brought it up because I like that commercial.


text:
I call Tuesday, I get the machine again, 'I know you're there, I don't know what your story is.' Yesterday, I'm a volcano ' I try one more call, the machine comes on, and I let fly like Mussolini from the balcony, 'Where the hell do you get the nerve?


text:
I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to, I could go, 'Excuse me, I'm not in right now.


text:
If you would just leave a message, I could walk away.' I also have a cordless phone, but I don't like that as much, because you can't slam down a cordless phone.


text:
I don't mean to interrupt or anything, but on Sunday, my friend is having a brunch for the New York Marathon.


text:
He told me ever since he's been wearing a wedding band, women have been coming on to him everywhere he goes.


text:
(in spanish) Tell him that if his friend can come up with the same money then she can have the apartment.


text:
You know, I used to think that the universe is a random, chaotic sequence of meaningless events, but I see now that there is reason and purpose to all things.


text:
Because, I have just been informed that it's going to cost Elaine the sum of five thousand dollars to get the apartment upstairs.


text:
singing) 'Good morning, good morning..' (to Jerry and George) Have you ever gotten up in the morning and felt it's great to be alive?


text:
I sometimes feel awkward, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain situations with the other human beings.


text:
Because, I was thinking... are you at all concerned that living in the same building will, y'know... cramp our styles?


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Because, I was worried that there might be a situation in which one of us come home with somebody, it could get a little uncomfortable.


text:
I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex, and floor seats for ever sporting event in Madison Square Garden.


text:
This friend of a friend knows this banker guy, he's, I don't know, 30 years, unbelievably gorgeous, of course he's gay.


text:
So anyway his boss has a box at the Met and he invited us to see Swan Lake, which is fine, but he's afraid that his boss can't handle his orientation, so I'm going along as his date.


text:
I know this gorgeous woman, she called me up this morning, she's moving into the city, and she asked me if I know of anyone she could meet.


text:
Sure, I mean in a lot of ways, he's a typical guy, he likes his sports, but he counters that side with the side you see here tonight at the ballet, or the pleasure he gets in watching Ms.


text:
It's those two halves of his personality that just come together to make him the very special guy that he is.


text:
The point is I'm going to be taking this lie detector test and that needle's going to be going wild.


text:
I tell you, when she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me.


text:
He tricked her into giving him half her business, and then she goes ahead and sleeps with him again.


text:
Being a woman, I only really have access to the, uh... equipment, what, thirty, forty-five minutes a week.


text:
How can I be expected to have the same expertise as people who *own* this equipment, and have access to it twenty-four hours a day, their entire lives.


text:
(getting excited) They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius unless it's in the confines of an office.


text:
Imagine walking by someone on the floor, and you say 'Hey, Carl!' and he says 'Hey, Jerry!' You see, that's the kind of society I wanna live in.


text:
(still reluctant) Kramer, I don't wanna stop and talk with everyone, every time I go in the building.


text:
Your father won a thousand dollars at the track last week, and he gave you a hundred, and you were supposed to give fifty dollars to your sister.


text:
And that's figuring conservatively at five percent interest, over fifty-three years, compounded quarterly.


text:
I mean, if you could, say, touch a breast as part of the kiss hello, then I think I could see the value in it a little better.


text:
Well, you cancelled on Tuesday, and our policy is 'twenty-four hours notice, for all cancellations'.


text:
My father's demanding my uncle pay interest on fifty dollars he was supposed to give my mother in nineteen-forty-one, and my uncle put my nana in a home to try and shut her up!


text:
Yeah, but if I take you to your door, then I have to go all the way around Central Park West, back to Columbus, you know it's all one way...


text:
She'd driven me a hundred and twenty miles and, all of a sudden, three blocks from my door, she decides this trip is over.


text:
(feeling her arm) Wendy, I injured my shoulder, Wednesday, when you dropped me off and I had to carry my skis, and my boots, and my poles and everything, all the way home.


text:
And, after your grandfather hit the daily double, he gave him a hundred dollars, and told him to give fifty to his sister.


text:
Perhaps Miss Benes could explain why a Jerry Seinfeld signed for this package (handing the package to Mrs.


text:
You know, selling bras exclusively to women, we're really only utilising fifty percent of the market.


text:
I uh, I hope you don't think uh, this is out of line, but would it be okay with you, if I were to ask her out?


text:
'Hey you know , I felt we had like a synergy out there,you know, like we were really helping each other.'


text:
'Aahhrgh...it wouldn't take...... long pause, audience laughter) ten minutes from now, I'll be sweating all over again ,I can feel it.


text:
'They took a pitching machine, a batting cage ,the in-field tarp and all of Mr Steinbrenner's vitamins..


text:
listen ... Do one of you guys know that ..that blond guy who's always on the exercycle at the health club.


text:
'Argh!!..Anyway...Jimmy couldn't be here today so he asked me to fill in for him, and I'm sure that you'll be impressed at what can be accomplished after only a few short days of training.....yeah!'


text:
'....Maybe you were still under the gas.Maybe you were hallucinating you're coming out of the gas but you were still under the gas.'


text:
You know George I've been your biggest supporter around here and thats why I was so disappointed to hear that you been pilfering the equipment.'


text:
`I used to peel off the chocolate now I turn them upside down , I eat the cake first and save the frosting for the end.


text:
(starts singing) 'When you're smiling, When you're smiling... The whole world smiles with you... When you're laughin', When you're laughin' The sun comes shining through But when you're crying, You bring on the rain So stop that sign.


text:
Be happy again Keep on smiling , 'cause when you're smiling The whole world smiles with yooooouuuuuuu The whole world smiles with (with Kramer)yooooouuuuuuu..


text:
As an avid reader I've always wondered if the letters (with Jerry) are I'm a dentist and one afternoon my hygienist and I decided to have a little fun with one of our patients.


text:
Viking has a deal with the Plaza Hotel, they got a two bedroom suite, there, for out-of-town clients...So guess what I did?


text:
You know my parents are coming in and I got some clean up to do , so if you and Potsie are done scheming.... 


text:
they'll never let me pay for a hotel and if they go to someplace on their own I'm sure it's gonna be some awful dump.


text:
Ha Haaaaaaa... Jerry how do you like that.You see I get myself in a dizzy, I'm all worked up and for what?


text:
You see the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around, but they don't know they're ugly, because nobody actually tells them.


text:
I 've looked everywhere , even under the couch but all I could find were the stupid Chunky wrappers.


text:
maybe you can hold out five seconds or ten, maybe fifteen or twenty but after a while, no matter how much will power a person may have.


text:
(Cannot take this torture anymore) Baaaaaaaaarrhhhhhhhhhhh....I'm ripped with fleas ( scratches furiously) 


text:
I suppose I could just pull this out ( his tucked shirt)and walk around like this and you wouldn't care?


text:
i suppose we could go to Lincoln Center and I'd be wearing sneakers and jeans and that would be fine too.


text:
You might say a cockeyed optimist, who got himself mixed up in the high stakes game of world diplomacy and international intrigue.


text:
This food ,it has no taste......nothin' I'm gettin' nothin'...( realizes) It must be the toxic gas from the fumigation......( he leaves paranoid and confused) 


text:
Some might say a cockeyed optimist, who got caught up in the dirty game of world diplomacy and International intrigue.


text:
Three hours of massage time , twelve in-room movies including several adult features, five shoe shines and four hundred dolars worth of snacks.


text:
I ran into the gas, it could have killed me, and my, my other friend couldn't taste his peaches ,they only good for two weeks.


text:
Well, all those mechanics do is work all day with their hands and their *big*, *muscular* arms on machines, and then they come home dripping with animal sexuality like Stanley Kowalski.


text:
And if I see *you* out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to electroshock me back into coherence!


text:
Well, anyway, the operation is on Tuesday and I need you to drive me home because I'll be all drugged up.


text:
Yeah, I know, but I can't drive anybody anywhere until I go down to the motor vehicle bureau and get my new plates.


text:
The point is when something like this is passed along, one must be certain that it's going to be used in a *conscientious* way.


text:
And I...will not stand by and allow him to perform this move on me, when a perfectly good move is just sitting in the barn doing nothing!


text:
I do, but it's three o'clock and then I'm flying right back and meeting Bridget at the Diplomat's Club in the airport.


text:
You've come to be like a daughter to me and I want to make sure you're taken care of after I'm gone.


text:
Jerry, listen, just so you know, before we take off they're gonna tell us what to do in the vent of a crash-


text:
(Pause) Because even if you have (Jerry gets up to go) to go a little you'd better go now because you won't get another chance until way after take off.


text:
Welcome, good to see you here... Boy, I'll tell you, there's an awful lot of those orange cones you have on the throughway... (Sees pilot) on the way... up here... um... I..


text:
Sorry for the delay, folks, there is a slight complication that we're taking care of, and then we'll be on our way to La Guardia...


text:
Yes, well, if the other people in the office saw that I called an exterminator, they would just panic.


text:
Here's a new twist on car pooling: Early this morning, a lost Manhattanite drove through a residential backyard and wound up in a swimming pool near Ithaca, New York.


text:
(Walking away, he stops abruptly) You know, I actually might not use them on Friday either so I'll let you know.


text:
Yeah, I told her how toilet paper hasn't changed in my lifetime, and probably wouldn't change in the next fifty thousand years and she was fascinated, fascinated!


text:
Alright, that's enough out of you, there's still three more games left in this series, my friend, and it's far from being over.


text:
Yeah, but before I met up with her, I stopped to look at the monkeys, when all of a sudden I am hit in the face with a banana peel.


text:
(remembering something and walking back in) Did you call Alec Berg and thank him for the hockey tickets?


text:
Hey, if I knew I had to give him eight million 'thank you's, I wouldn't have taken the tickets in the first place.


text:
He's gonna be upset because you didn't call him and we're not gonna get those tickets for Friday night.


text:
(The weeping increases in volume and intensity) I mean, at this point, it's like I can wear something three or four times and that's it.


text:
I mean, do you think it's possible that he's mad at me because he didn't get the day-after 'thank you'?


text:
See, so I don't know if I got a funeral 'hello' or he was mad because he didn't get his day-after 'thank you'.


text:
Because if you don't want to be a part of society, Jerry, why don't you just get in your car and move to the East Side!


text:
Well, it's not that I don't like you, but, well to be perfectly honest, I'm just having some trouble getting past the face painting.


text:
I took it out on you and, look, if I've caused you any problems as a result of my behavior, well then, I'm sorry.


text:
But they tell me that you're very upset, and god forbid I should disturb the very important monkey, I'm just hoping we can put this behind us, let's just move on with our lives, ok?


text:
Well, I'm going to the game tonight, and me and these five other guys are gonna take our shirts off and spell out 'Devils'.


text:
I was singing, 'MacArthur Park', and I got to the part about, 'I'll never have that recipe again,' and it slipped out of my hand and it broke.


text:
Not because you're dirty, not because you're clean ' just because you kissed the girl behind the magazine...


text:
I don't really feel that comfortable with a maid, either, because there's that guilt when you have someone cleaning your house.


text:
You know, you're sitting there on your sofa, and they go by with the vacuum, 'I'm really sorry about this.


text:
I don't know why I left that stuff over there.' And that's why I could never be a maid, because I'd have an attitude.


text:
(He gets on his knees and points.) He cleaned the little one-inch area between the refrigerator and the counter.


text:
This guy's in my apartment and then, just by coincidence, he has the same exact statue in his apartment?


text:
Kramer!... It's Jerry!... Jerry!... From next door!... Never mind where I am!... Yes, Jerry Seinfeld!...


text:
Kramer, George, and Elaine struggle for it.) Hello, Ray?... Hi, Ray, this is Rava's friend, Elaine's friend, Jerry... The King of Comedy, right.


text:
You don't want Rava to hear?... Yeah, I understand... You know that coffee shop near my house, Monk's?... All right, tomorrow... One o' clock... Great, okay, bye.


text:
If you really want, maybe I can contact the guy in Singapore and have him make a photostat of the receipt and send it over.


text:
I didn't even touch it this time... Okay, fine... I don't see why this should affect to potatoes!... Okay... Goodbye.


text:
Instead of editing the first novel of a major young writing talent, I am proofreading a food allergy cookbook.


text:
Well, perhaps we can take comfort in the knowledge that in the next world, Ray will be the recipient of a much larger and more harsh brand of justice..


text:
Kramer heads for the door.) Today's your lucky day, junior, 'cause I'm gonna let you off with a warning.


text:
Because this woman came in with a dog and Ruby called the dog the same word they used when they were pointing at me...ge ge ge


text:
My Broadway is the Broadway of Merman, and Martin, and Fontaine, and if you think you can build yourself up by knocking other people down... ...GOOD LUCK... (exits)


text:
Very soft, huge button flaps, cargo pockets, draw string waist, deep biswing vents in the back perfect for jumping into a gondola.


text:
beige corduroy collar, 100% cotton canvas, high waist, nine pockets, six on the outside, great for running along side a train, (Jerry walking away) waving last goodbyes, posing on a veranda, Men's sizes ...


text:
ladies and gentlemen for this evening's performance the part of Rochelle will be played by Gennice Grant.


text:
(singing and dancing) 'It's a long journey from Milan to Minsk...' (Shoe lace comes undone (even LOOKS like figure skates) wait wait.


text:
You just broke up with with Melanie last week because she 'shuushed you' while you were watching TV.


text:
Well um, I was just curious if I were interested in availing myself of your services, um, what exactly would you do?


text:
How about when Harrison Ford jumped out of that plane, and he was shooting back at them as he was falling?


text:
Okay, tell me what you think about this idea: Extend the doors on the toilet stalls at Yankee Stadium all the way to the floor.


text:
I have the Snackwells which are very popular but I think that sometimes with the so called fat free cookies people may overindulge forgetting they may be high in calories


text:
Yeah, yeah, well, for some reason, um, I just find myself just overcome with feelings of jealousy and resentment.


text:
I was in a Chinese restaurant with George and Elaine and got all screwed up trying to get a table and I missed it.


text:
No, no , listen, we're going to get married over Christmas, I ...It doesn't make any difference to me.


text:
In your situation the only sex you're going to have better than make-up sex is if you're dent to prison and you have a conjugal visit.


text:
Yes, we were waiting for our mail to arrive and I happened to mention to her how you felt that it was never going 'to happen' for you.


text:
That man in no way represents our ability to take in a nice piece of juicy gossip and keep it to ourselves.


text:
A young lady I know, let's call her Elaine, happened to find herself overwhelmed with feelings of resentment and hostility for her friend, let's call him George.


text:
She felt that George was somewhat of a loser and that she was the one who deserved to be married first.


text:
She also happened to mention to me that her friend had wondered if going to a prostitute while you're engaged is considered cheating.


text:
I can see the can if you're in the army, but fresh fruit it's available, it's there, it's 2 aisles over.


text:
So ya know, my friend and I we were going to the movies and we stopped off and bought this cafe latte.


text:
I was trying to get to my seat and I had to step over someone and I kind of got pushed and it spilled on me.


text:
I'm marrying a person who doesn't care that this man has to stand here 8 hours a day when he could easily be sitting.


text:
My lawyer Jackie says if there is one coffee drinker on that jury, (in a very high voice) I'm gonna be a rich man.


text:
When you go into a store, does it bother you that they make the security guard just stand there all day?


text:
Well, I mean don't you think that he was probably called Maestro while he was conducting, not in social situations.


text:
You know when I told him it was beautiful there, out of the clear blue sky he says there's nothing to rent.


text:
We're prepared to offer you all the free coffee you want in any of our stores throughout North America and Europe, Plus..


text:
And if I have any problems I'm gonna get my lawyer Jackie Chiles down here and your gonna be in really big trouble.


text:
I'm probably gonna be taking over this whole place someday so if I were you I would stay on my good side.


text:
So see um, I didn't say that I wanted to rent it, I was just wondering if there were houses there to rent.


text:
You know, you see Don Matingly signed this envelope then he sent it to room 318, where it was received and signed for by manager Buck Showalter.


text:
Yeah, well, Bobby, uh, what if I told you a very important person at the New York Yankees needed this card back.


text:
Yogi Berra, Lou Pinella, Bucky Dent, Billy Martin, Dallas Green, Dick Houser, Bill Virdon, Billy Martin, Scott Marrow, Billy Martin, Bob Lemmon, Billy Martin, Gene Michael, Buck Showalter, ... uh, tut!, .


text:
You know, this guy Jean-Paul, Jean-Paul... I met him when I was working at Pendant, editing a book on running...


text:
You'd think you'd have, like, 6 alarm clocks, payin'-off little kids in the village to come banging on your door...


text:
(Kramer enters with a bucket and starts filling it with water on the sink) Imagine your whole life riding on an alarm clock.


text:
It's got these high-volume aqua-sage jets oscillating and pulsating, soothing your every aching muscle.


text:
There's some reps in from the Houston Astros for talks on that interleague play... and I want you to show them a good time.(George acts like 'ok, you're the boss')


text:
Well, means that a man has come from very far away to compete in a very difficult race, he's put his faith in you, and frankly, I'm a little concerned!


text:
Yeah, I got enough to think about just tryin' to come up with some load o'crap for that Himalayan walking shoe!


text:
I mean, I've given him a place to stay, I'll set an alarm, but I'm not gonna turn my life completely upside down for this guy!


text:
...'till this bastard over here says: 'let's call the sons o'bitches and go visit 'em on New York!' (the 3 men laugh)


text:
You'll be comfortable, you'll be near the starting line, and most importantly... you'll have a wake-up call, Jean-Paul!


text:
(Mr.Wilhelm comes in and hears George yelling) You tell that son of a bitch no Yankee is ever comin' to Houston!


text:
(grabs a Himalayan walking shoe and starts squeezing it for inspiration) Oh, come on... come on...!...God!


text:
(looks at the baby) oooooh...look at the cute little bastard... (the building manager comes in) you are mama's little bastard, aren't you?


text:
(a big smile grows in her face, as she thinks...) Thank God I took off my heels, and put on my... HIMALAYAN WALKING SHOES!!!


text:
Rating personnel 'till they cried, calling managers on the field during a game, threatening to move the team to New Jersey, just to upset people.


text:
I'll tell you, if you wanna get something wild goin'on in your life, you get a girl and bring her to one o'these things.


text:
(George starts sliding, until he gets all his head -and glasses- under water, as Steinbrenner keeps talking) A show, about that Mickey Mantle, wasn't it?


text:
There's only one caveat -- the guy who runs the place is a little temperamental, especially about the ordering procedure.


text:
I am happy, and I'll tell ya why -- because the two of you were making me and every one of your friends sick!


text:
Nobody with a terminal illness goes from the United States to Europe for a piece of Bavarian cream pie and then when they get there and they don't have it he says ' Aw, I'll just have some coffee.' There's no truth to that.


text:
You know sweetie, I just want you to know that I was so proud of you today expressing your feelings so freely in front of Jerry and all.


text:
Just knowing that you're not afraid of those things is such a great step forward in our relationship.


text:
' 5 cups chopped Porcine mushrooms, half a cup of olive oil, 3 pounds of celery, chopped parsley...'


text:
When my uncle said to him, 'the president's been shot' Oswald winked at him and said, 'I'm gonna go catch a movie'?


text:
Well, it's an emergency band scanner, it picks up everything: Fires, harbor patrol, even the police.


text:
Oh please, Jerry, please please please, I can't sit with him, he tells these stories, it's gonna be awful.


text:
Howbout this, come one down to Leapin' Parry's if you can beat our prices, we'll give you the store.


text:
When I lost my leg in the boating accident, I got so depressed about this damn prosthetic I thought I was gonna have to give up the business.


text:
Ya know, the guy has one leg and he still calls himself Leapin' Larry, you'd think he had a sense of humor about it.


text:
Actually, you know I just remembered I promised this comedy club that I'd do a set tonight, so, terribly sorry.


text:
Besides it gives me a chance to tell you about my latest trip to Burma where I discovered a very unusual corduroy.


text:
I-I really should be getting back to my fianc&eacute;, you know, we, uh, we had this big fight yesterday and, uh, well she, she wants to-to know my secret code.


text:
You know this whole thing never would have happened if you hadn't bailed out on me at the restaurant.


text:
(building up steam as George bolts for the door) No, and only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you!


text:
George, when momma said 'Bosco' she must have been trying to communicate something, a legacy, a dying wish perhaps.


text:
Kramer, just about every week some brash young hothead like yourself saunters in here talking about faster routes and snazzier colors for the trucks, well, fact is we feel things are fine the way they are.


text:
I had to go into Brooklyn to help her find her pills, and they were right there in the medicine cabinet.


text:
...I could have taken a cab but if my mother saw me pull up in a cab, she'd start yelling at me, 'Freddy!


text:
Well if you and I ever got into, like a really serious fight you know, and the punches started flying -- who do you think would win?


text:
If we were in my apartment and we were watching a movie on the couch, would we sit right next to each other?


text:
And then the worst part is, after the movie, he leached on to us ... We wound up having coffee with him for like two hours.


text:
(he pushes the end button and pushes the antenna down) Boy this new telephone number's driving me crazy -- wrong numbers, every five minutes.


text:
(picks up the phone on the coffee table) '555-3455.' Well wait a second, don't you see that's 555-FILK.


text:
Ah, so, ah, flower shows and, shopping for pretty bows, and then back to her place, strip down to bra and panties for a tickle fight?


text:
That's the George you know, the George you grew up with -- Movie George, Coffee shop George, Liar George, Bawdy George.


text:
Coming to theaters this Friday ... Kevin Bacon, Susan Sarandon -- 'You've got to get me over that mountain!' 'Now' (bang, bang) 'AHHHHHHHHHH' There is no place higher than ... Mountain High .


text:
(picks up paper) Chunnel , is playing at the Paragon 84th Street cinema in the main theater at 9:30 PM.


text:
Well you know, all you guys ever do is sit around the coffee shop talking, sit around Jerry's apartment talking.


text:
I actually met her a few weeks ago, but... (Jerry stops, and mentally visualizes George telling Susan about how Jerry got Lena's number from the AIDS list...then Susan passing the information along to Monica on the phone at work.)


text:
Well, you know, I was thinking about what you said before, and...you're right, I've never really been a couple, so...if that's the rule, then I'm gonna go by the rule.


text:
Susan and I have been together many, many times now, and just between you and me, there's really no big surprises here, so...make-up sex is all that I have left.


text:
I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others - I can't be with someone like that!


text:
You know, Lena, I wanted to talk to you about something...you know, because you're such a good person -


text:
He wakes me up again last night at three o'clock in the morning to tell me he's going up onto the roof to kill himself.


text:
I said ' Look, if you're gonna kill yourself do it already and stop bothering me.' At least I'd respect the guy for accomplishing something.


text:
I go in to use his private bathroom, everybody uses it, and then I get a memo - a memo - telling me to use the men's room in the hall.


text:
Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.


text:
Is that when you go in, in the morning you say Hi to everyone and for some reason throughout the day you have to continue to greet these people all day every time you see them.


text:
fine' Ten minutes later you see him in the hall, 'How ya doin'?' Every time you pass you gotta come up with another little greeting.


text:
You know you start racking your brains you know you do the little eyebrow 'Hey' You start coming up with nicknames for them.


text:
I wanna remind everyone that the tenth anniversary party for Rick Barr Properties is gonna be Wednesday afternoon at four o'clock in Lasky's Bar, on Madison 48th.


text:
For some reason I decided to hide it in my laundry bag and then I completely forgot about it...and then I took the laundry in on Friday!


text:
You start flirting with him and I'll come by and, while you're keeping him busy, I'll slip it in his drink.


text:
I'd also like to welcome back into the fold our..our little shrimpy friend, George Costanza who, although he didn't really have a very good year -- how you blew that McConnell deal, I'll never know.


text:
Have you ever heard the expression 'The best revenge is living well' I've said this, in other words it means supposedly the best way to get back at someone is just by being happy and successful in your own life.


text:
You think you could go up to him, 'Charlie forgot about the 357 what you need is a custom-made suit and a convertible.


text:
(jumps as his burns his fingers) Twelve extra minutes, full wide-screen CinemaScope, and if you come to the one o'clock show, you can hear Geoffrey Har-harwood.


text:
The whole time that I was growing up, all I ever heard from my mother was 'Why can't you be more like that Lloyd Braun?'


text:
Minor restorations in nineteen forty-one, forty-seven, fifty-two, fifty-eight, sixty-three, and currently to our present period of time.


text:
(reluctant) Oh, well... I, uh, actually Lloyd, Jerry and I have to sit in the front row, uhm, (desperately inventing) because uh, because, because he, he forgot his glasses.


text:
I uh, I was in here this morning and uh, I believe I paid you with a twenty dollar bill, (smiles) but you only gave me change for a ten.


text:
You see, I was doodling on the bill and uh, so if you have a twenty in there with big lips on it... well, (smiles) that's mine.


text:
I was chewing gum with Lloyd Braun, and he was bragging about the peepshow you gave him at the Alex.


text:
(angry) Listen lady, I got six minutes left on that meter, and I'm not budging til you admit you stole my twenty dollars.


text:
Well, I... I'd love to lend it to you, but I doubt if it would fit a man of your impressive, Raymond Massey-like, physique.


text:
The only person who could really fit into this costume, would have to be a short, stocky, man of somewhat generous proportions.


text:
Go to any office building on 7th Avenue and tell me if there's anyone there wearing a thin tie like that.


text:
We're - were supposed to have dinner with everybody at eight o'clock so I'll set up the ride for seven o'clock.


text:
I mean, all right, so he doesn't do... everything, and then you have to come along with your hot and your heavy.


text:
I'm gonna be just fine, but as far as your situation, you're seeing him tonight so talk to him about it.


text:
Well, if we're all set to go, why don't you two hop aboard and let me show you a little taste of old New York...the way it once was.


text:
I know you've got your big showcase coming up later and I know how important it is, I know how hard you work for this night, but I just had to tell you that I never told Jerry hot and heavy.


text:
I've been thinking about what we do and I'm thinking..of...adding a new number to my, you know, repertoire.


text:
I was going to, but then I found out that the auto club has this free locksmith service, so I signed up.


text:
Here's what you do: you bring a lightweight jacket, that way the sun comes out, you play the jacket off the sweater.


text:
Steinbrenner and I really want you to know we appreciate all the hours you've been putting in... Oh, and, ah, confidentially, Sozonkel, our Assistant to the General Manger, hasn't really been working out.


text:
(flashback sequence) I was at this party, and I was dating this *really* cute guy, his name was Tom Cosley, by the way, and she goes walking by, in this little floozy outfit, and he follows her, right out the door!


text:
Yeah, well I'm thinking about getting out of town with Susan for a few days....Her parents rebuilt the cabin!


text:
I just remembered, th-th-there's this Chinese restaurant out near Yankee Stadium, that puts flyers on all the cars.


text:
Alright, this is what ya gotta do: I need ya to go out to the parking lot at Yankee Stadium, take the flyers off my car.


text:
You know last time you had me throwin' a rye bread up three floors to you, now you want me to go up to the Bronx, take flyers off your car, where does it end?!?


text:
Uh-a Anyway, his car's in the parking lot, the front end is bashed in, and there's blood in the car, and we can't find him anywhere.


text:
Obviously he was in some sort of a terrible car accident, and trooper that he is, he tried to make it into work, sir.


text:
Listen, this is a million dollars we're talkin' about, Jerry, now this is the big league, the big time, now I need you on my team, Jerry!


text:
She's twisted you around her little finger, and now, you're willing to sell me, and Elaine, and whoever else you have to, right down the river.


text:
Tryin' to bilk an innocent bystander out of a family fortune, built on sweat and toil, manufacturing quality O'Henry candy bars, for honest, hard-working Americans!


text:
Well, he'd been logging some pretty heavy hours, first one in in the morning, last one to leave at night.


text:
I just got the most bizarre message from you father, Steinbrenner is at you house, they think you're dead!


text:
Oh, wait a second, wait a second, they saw the car, they saw the blood, they couldn't find ya, that's why Steinbrenner thinks you're dead!


text:
(sits on the corner of the desk) What exquisite beauty, I ran down the hallway to talk to her, but the elevator door closed.


text:
Here's the angle: Zelda Fitzgerald, aaaand, somebody in the 20s, wearing this at wild parties, driving all the men crazy (tosses the bra on Elaine's desk)... Have it on my desk by the end of the week.


text:
uuh, After the car accident, I-I crawled into a ditch, and managed to survive on, grubs and puddle water, until a kindly old gentleman picked me up.


text:
Anyway, as I was lying in the puddle, I-I think I may have found a way for us to get Bonds and Griffey, and we wouldn't have to give up that much.


text:
So it was the meeting on the street that prompted you to buy the bra for Miss Mishke, would you say that was correct?


text:
And you have also brought with you, another bra, (goes over to the table and pulls a bra out of a bag) exactly like, the one that she so flagrantly exhibited herself in!


text:
Well, I was under the impression that I could take anything I wanted from your fridge, and you could take whatever you want from mine.


text:
You know, she did laundry the day after she met you, everything got clean and she started all over again.


text:
Well, I don't wanna get into the whole physics of carbonation with you here, but you know the sound a can makes when you open it?


text:
Well, I'm flattered that you would both appeal to my wisdom, but unfortunately, my friendship to each of you precludes my getting involved.


text:
Someone whose heart is so dark, it cannot be swayed by pity, compassion, or human emotion of any kind.


text:
Each of you seemingly has a legitimate claim to the bicycle, and yet the bicycle can have only one rightful owner.


text:
(getting worked up) It's all that separates us from the savages who don't deserve even the privilege of the daily mail.


text:
...But, you must promise That you will abide by my decision, no matter how unjust it may seem to either of you.


text:
(to Carrie) You know, the thing is, I kinda promised the widow Mantle that I would name my baby Seven.


text:
(indicating the cereal) Hey, Jerry, if you're gonna be snacking on these, you can't expect me to pay for the whole box.


text:
I didn't wanna put a damper on your little Smorgasbord here, but it's the end of the week, so I added up your tab.


text:
And I know that I said I was engaged, but (laughs) uh, you know, it's really just something you say.


text:
(chuckles) Anyway, I was watching uh, My Cousin Vinnie, on the uh, on the tape the other day, and I was thinking that uh, you know, the two of us might take a meeting, as they say.


text:
(inexpertly disguising his voice) Hi, uh ah, Mister Kramer, ah, this is McNab down at the phone company.


text:
Well, I, as your president, have to find the best price, and right now, I for one, do not think it's cost-feasible.


text:
Not because he think you stole the money, but mainly because you never thanked him for giving you his aisle seat at Freddy Roman's show.


text:
Now, my sources tell me, there's three votes for impeachment, three votes against impeachment, and one undecided.


text:
(clears throat) I was thinking, I mean, I'm not really doing that much this weekend, and I thought, well, huh, what the hell, maybe I'll come down there and hang out a little.


text:
(pleased with himself) You are having problems with your boyfriend and I am meeting you to discuss the situation.


text:
(definitely irritated) You know, it seems to me that it's all you, and none of my ideas are getting in.


text:
(not happy delivering Elaine's lie) Well, he uh, he wants to uh, quit the exporting and uh, focus just on the importing.


text:
I would make up some other person to tell you I was gonna go see, and then I would go see Ela..Elaine.


text:
(emphatic) I'm not force-feeding myself a steak at four-thirty to save a coupla bucks, I'll tell you that!


text:
So, tell me, how is it that a man like you, so bald, and so quirky and funny, how is it you're not taken?


text:
...Well, obviously... You know... (disbelief) Ap..ap, Chu... Why would you think I was having an affair with George?


text:
(explaining, with gestures) Uhm, George felt that I was too adamant in my stand that Art should focus on the exporting and forget about the importing.


text:
We're calling this emergency meeting of the board of phase two, to consider a motion of impeachment of our president, (indicating) Morty Seinfeld.


text:
As vice-president, Jack Klompus, in accordance with the phase two constitution, is hereby installed as president.


text:
Peterman sent me over here for a physical because as you may or may not know, he and I are going on a trip to Kenya.


text:
The only way out of this is if Leo breaks up with his girlfriend and has to move back into the apartment and then they would have to go back to Florida.


text:
Anyway, the point I was making before Goerbbles made your hamburger is a man like you could be dating women twenty years younger.


text:
You've got beautiful features, lovely skin, you're in the prime of your life here, you should be swinging.


text:
If I were you I'd tell this Lydia character, 'It's been real,' move back into that bachelor pad and put out a sign;


text:
You're the only one I know who's got the good stuff, and I need it bad, baby, cause I feel like I got bugs crawling up my skin.


text:
I had got to the market after sundown, all of the clothing traders had gone, but a different sort of trader still lurked about.


text:
I know this doesn't seem like work to any of you, if you could perhaps conduct your psychopath convention down the hall, I could just get a little personal space.


text:
Lydia is laughing, Leo is not) I had lunch with him the other day, he's one of these guys that anything goes wrong in life, he blames it on anti-Semitism.


text:
So, I'm gonna get tested again later, hopefully I'll get my job back and I will be on my way to Africa.


text:
They're all made in the former Yugoslavia, and from what I hear the Serbs are fanatic about their showers.


text:
You're bald, you're paunchy, all kinds of sounds are emanating from your body twenty-four hours a day.


text:
If there's a woman that can take your presence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hang on to her like grim death.


text:
I didn't talk to anyone - I was just walking by, and I saw the sign, and I thought George might get a kick out of it.


text:
(Muttering out, not really wanting to talk about his family) When the Costanzas came here, one brother stayed behind.


text:
I think the stewardess broke it when she tried to jam it into the overhead compartment because of this


text:
It came in this funny little bottle, and there was a guy on the label that looked exactly like Charles Grodin.


text:
No, you don't see - because I'm going on the show this week, and this was going to be my bit on the show.


text:
He is scraping the BBQ sauce off Jerry's clothes with a knife, then dipping some bread into it) What the hell are you doing?


text:
(Kramer hits the cue ball, it jumps up from the table and flies off screen) Are you two still playing?!


text:
(Pulling out the toy from the cereal box - he displays even more immaturity by holding it up, smiling) Hey!


text:
And now, Gentlemen, (Making dramatic actions) if you will excuse me - I must prepare for the symphony.


text:
(Begins putting on a near-by pair of pants) It's an old conductor's trick I learned from Leonard Bernstein.


text:
(Setting the box down on his table) Actually, the seat next to me was empty, so, there was no problem at all.


text:
(Notices people staring at him, he quickly gets up, collecting the his coat and the tiny replica) C'mon, let's go.


text:
Well, maybe if I didn't have so many people in my apartment all the time I'd be able to get some work done.


text:
Tell him to meet me at the TV studio with a picture of his mother and that doll that looks like her.


text:
(A series of Kramer's plays are displayed, and, on the last ball of the game..) You know where it's going..


text:
Elaine holds her hand up - as if to say 'I'll see ya.', and while she's slowly walking out Jerry gives her a salute)


text:
Alright, people, I'd like to begin with a hearty hail and well-met good fellow, to Bob Grossberg, who's joining us from Business Affairs.


text:
(a thought occurs) No, the stupidest thing you ever said was when you said Steve Kroft from Sixty Minutes is the same guy from *Seals and Croft*.


text:
Every time Mr Peterman tries to assign him any work, he says he can't hear, and it all gets dumped on me.


text:
So, I have two tickets for you (holds up the bits of card) to the Flying Sandos Brothers magic show.


text:
(picks up a blazer) The Joseph Aboud crested blazer is the finest.... That's hand ticking around the crest and these are the world famous Corriso buttons made from the finest Andulo corn.


text:
So I didn't like the crest all that much., but the guy spent fifteen minutes with me so to get out of the store I told I wanted to see what someone else thought.... And then he makes a face like he doesn't believe me.


text:
Really!...Well actually yeah I did see this ......'mazing little black dress...it was sleeveless....


text:
It's been known to happen....... telling you right now Elaine, this guy 's gonna dangle that dress in front of you like a dirt farmer dangles a carrot in front of a mule.


text:
I was wondering if you and your .friends are doing business here at the Jiffy Park.... You know ..hum What do you people call it?


text:
Anyway I...I....found a condom in my car....and I'm not saying it's yours but.... I want to know if I should just change parking lots.


text:
Because I have to be able to trust you... If I can't trust you then there's no way that this can work.


text:
Well then...then you really have something to think about because.....you know if there's any doubt in your mind ....and..


text:
Shaking that little butt of yours into big, big savings.... And then when you get it,you know, you drop him like a hot potato.


text:
Now see the two of you need to work on trust... and then and only then will there be a free exchange of sex and discounts..


text:
If it were unsatisfactory in some way, then we could do it for you, but I'm afraid spite doesn't fit into any of our conditions for a refund


text:
Well I want to return this jacket and she asked me why and I said for spite and now she won't take it back.


text:
I've learned that the new shipment's coming in by boat... which does tend to take a little longer with, you know ,what with the waves and all ..


text:
(Enters George's room overly sympathetic - leading George to think that the Doctor told Jerry something significant) Hey, how ya doin' buddy?


text:
Because, no one in my family has their tonsils, and we were forbidden to socialize with tonsil people.


text:
He's not just gonna fix the tonsils and the adenoids, he is gonna change the whole way you function - body and mind.


text:
(He thinks this, the audience can hear his thoughts) And you're not a doctor, but you play one in real life.


text:
You know, I lived with the Eskimos many years ago, and they used to plunge their faces into the snow.


text:
And they, you have another type of person, always thinks they're well, not matter how bad they really are.


text:
I never felt better in my life.' Medical science is making advances every day in control health problems.


text:
In fact, it's probably only a matter of time before a heart attack, you know, becomes like, a head ache.


text:
We'll just see people on TV going, 'I had a heart attack this big (Holds out hands, gesturing bigness) ..but, I gave myself one of these.


text:
I believe the doors on the bathroom stalls, here at the stadium, don't offer much by way of privacy.


text:
(drop in tip and worker looks the other way, so George decides to take it out and try again only to get caught)


text:
You must have gotten me when I slowed down to take that curve because for a while there I was doing well over 100.


text:
What are these?'Perducto de Peru'Jerry, if you think these are Cubans you have another thing coming.


text:
I got to pay this Todd Gack guy $300 bucks just so he has some excuse to see Elaine again without asking her out.


text:
You hang out at the west side of the building with Seinfeld all day and just it up wasting your lives.


text:
But, unfortunately I will be out of town with my lady-friend and therefore unable to bid on the lot.


text:
We have a full set of golf clubs, that were owned by President John F Kennedy, as seen in the famous photograph of the president chipping at Burning Tree on the morning of the Bay of Pigs invasion.


text:
I know, Mr Peterman, but but but but once I saw them, I just couldn't stand to let anyone else have them.


text:
(warming to her subject) You know, certainly not some stuck-up candy bar heiress who shamelessly flaunts herself in public without any regard...


text:
Most days, the post office sends one truckload of mail to the second domestic regional sorting facility in Sagenaw, Michigan.


text:
A mechanic forms an emotional attachment, thinks he'sgonna lose the car, he panics, he does something rash.


text:
The police have no leads (sitting on the couch arm) and I just found out today my insurance doesn't cover it.


text:
They went out of their way to gouge the sides of every piston, and the turbo was separated from the housing and shoved right up the exhaust pipe.


text:
(singing) Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine bottle and cans in the trunk, nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine bottles and cans.


text:
Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight bottle and cans in the trunk, nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight bottles and cans.


text:
(a touch desperate) Ah, look, I..I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm a US postal worker and my mail truck was just ambushed by a band of backwoods mail-hating survivalists.


text:
(Fishing for his keys in a kitchen drawer) You know, when I first met you, Kramer, you used to wear jeans all the time.


text:
(Suddenly swerves to the right, then yells out of her window) How about a left turn signal, ya moron?!


text:
Then, after a period of being 'there for you', we slowly remove the two words 'for you', and we're just (Makes a 'ta-da!' gesture) 'there'.


text:
Well it wasn't just that, i realized after 3 years of marriage that David's little quirks were getting on my nerves a little.


text:
Like in the middle of our fight last night he did this thing that he always does where he asks questions to himself, aloud.


text:
Alright, auditioning next is Mickey Abbott (Mickey starts looking around for Kramer and checks his watch) Doing a scene from the Terrance Clifford play 'Press wounds in Ithaca'


text:
(stands up) Sorry my scene partner isn't here yet so I guess uh..(Kramer enters and runs into some chairs) Oh


text:
(Kramer starts trying to sit down, Mickey has his back to him and gets out a pack of cigarettes, Mickey then turns around once he has his cigarette to find Kramer struggling to sit down) You know if it hadn't been for that secretary of yours...I said sit down!


text:
(Kramer still trying to sit down, Mickey throws the pack of cigarettes to the floor) Are you deaf Bradley?!


text:
(looking to the crowd) It's very important that you sit down (Kramer still trying to sit down) Now for the last time, (angry) Try again to Sit Down!


text:
Jerry and I are in prime pouncing position to scoop these two up (Jerry and Elaine do a little slow dance of joy) before they know what hit em.


text:
Hi Beth (Scene Ends then re-begins with Beth and George on Beth's couch) Um anyway Jerry told me that uh..


text:
Sometimes you don't know how you're really feeling about something until a person like you comes along and articulates it so perfectly.


text:
Hold on (Picks phone up) Hello...Hi (pauses for Jerry to speak) ya last night I had a good time too (pauses for Jerry to speak) Really?


text:
Oh Kramer would you do me a favor my baby sitter hasn't show up could you come watch Joey for an hour I gotta run out.


text:
I got the loser in this relationship and I'm breathing new life into him, you give me three more days, he won't be able to remember her name.


text:
I wanted these handball sneakers, they were all black but they came in adult sizes so you know i never got the sneakers.


text:
I understand that, you wanna a little time to think uh thing..ponder things..you know..ruminant..(chuckles) you go ahead, lotta stuff on your mind..you think things out..Think, mull, mull, do a lot of mulling.


text:
So all you gotta do is lay here, pretend you're asleep in case she gets back, here (grabs the covers and throws em over Mickey) keep the covers over ya.


text:
I'm sitting in the coffee shop, i'm talking to Susan, were talking about shoe laces (does two guns to the head) so in walks..in walks David, right, he walks right to the table..righ I introduced him to Susan..and he says get this (laughs) he says 'boy you could do a lot better than this guy' huh right (more laughing by George, Jerry is totally just mellow and straight faced) The exact same thing that I said to him, just to get back at me just to get back at me..and then, and then she says she wants to be alone for awhile..Alone Jerry!


text:
and uh (George puts his head down and his hand on her shoulder as if to brace himself for something big) I've decided to go with the chicken.


text:
Well, we have quite a few to pick from ( turns around and picks up a huge binder) They're arranged in order of price , the most expensive are in the front.


text:
move to another...move to Staten Island., 'lot easier to blend in a sea of people in Staten Island than China believe me.


text:
Listen I was talking to Elaine today and she said she'd would really like to be an usher at the wedding


text:
I don't want any women ushers at my wedding and while we're on the subject, Kramer is not an usher either.


text:
Did you hear the bank on the corner is offering a 100 dollars if you go in there and they don't greet you with a hello?


text:
I was crossing the street .I was almost hit by a car...and then we talked and.......the whole thing just seemed like a dream.


text:
(Kramer is speechless) I've been waiting for me to come along and now I 've swept myself off my feet.


text:
Because most women when they're asked to sign a pre-nup are so offended they back out of the marriage.


text:
Listen hem...there's something that's been on my mind and we haven't really talked about it..I t's kind of important to me.


text:
Well I I ..put a lot of thought into this and I think I would like you to sign a prenuptual agreement.


text:
(as George leaves) And don't forget tommorrow we're going shopping for some rings, so don't make any plans...and this time we're not skimping.


text:
You know what, let me bring some other people in on this...Barbara, Jane, Mike Can I see you please.


text:
yeah I was just calling 'cos I wanted you to know that I'm not engaged anymore......well huh, She died....Toxic glue from the wedding invitations.....well we were expecting about two hundred people.


text:
my weekend is pretty wide open and I was wondering... (dial tone interrupts George)..... Hello...Hello..


text:
Spock dies, they wrap him up in a towel, and they shoot him out the bowel of the ship in that big sunglasses case.


text:
Alright, I'm outta here, and when I get back, I don't want to see you here (points to kitchen), here (points to living room), or here (makes similar circle with his hands).


text:
Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise.


text:
Well, I can't argue with that, but the fact remains... I was completely... (to himself, cursing her) Mulva!


text:
Yeah, I know Jerry will tell you that The Wrath of Khan is the better picture, but for me, I always...


text:
Well, you should choose the poem since you knew Susan best at the time of her unfortunate (clears his throat)...accident.


text:
I heard that when Jerry Lewis left a meeting, he'd purposefully leave a briefcase with a tape recorder in it.


text:
...and the stock options for this year look quite, uh... (George returns and retrieves the briefcase.)


text:
Well, there really is no junk-mail...well, everybody wants to get a check or a birthday card, but...


text:
Oh, Kevin...you can go on and on about how you don't want kids...and it sounds, it sounds really nice, but...the truth is, I don't know if you mean it or not.


text:
You really think you can manipulate that beautiful young woman like the half-soused nightclub rabble that lap up your inane 'observations'?


text:
I mean once for like, no reason, I flattened my hair and I had all these strands hanging in my face all the time...


text:
(Picks up a red Power Ranger action figure from the model and pretends it's him.) Now, from the time I left the room...


text:
Whatever caused the damage...(drops a tiny briefcase onto the table in the model)...was jarring enough to completely stop the tape.


text:
I believe that I am about to become the target of a systematic process of intimidation and manipulation, the likes of which you have never -


text:
There are some people in this room who would have been very happy to never see this briefcase again.


text:
There are people in this room who think they can destroy other people's property and get away with it.


text:
A metallic 'squink.' A 'glonk.' Someone crying out...'Dear God!' Let's start with, uh...with you, Wyck.


text:
George, Quinn here was moving a chair...he lost his balance and dropped it...it must have fallen on your briefcase, which, for some reason, contained a running tape recorder?


text:
(Kramer comes hobbling out of the doctors office in pain, after having a vasectomy of his own, and exits.


text:
(still looking at that picture) You know if I told my engagement story to that receptionist, but told her this, was my fianc&eacute;e..


text:
I warned the Queen you were gettin' close an', now it looks like we're gonna have to move the whole damn forbidden city.


text:
Hey Elaine, what do you think of an alarm clock, that automatically tells you the weather when you wake up?


text:
I can't spend the rest of my life coming into this stinking apartment every ten minutes to pore over the, excruciating minutia, of every, single, daily event..


text:
(What's goin' on,) like yesterday, I go to the bank to make a deposit, an' the teller gives me this look, like--


text:
Elaine's off in the Bizarro World, George only calls when he wants something, an' I'm left sitting here like this plate of cold chicken, which, by the way, (drops chicken into sink) was, for two.


text:
No, cab's comin' in right here (Hand at waist) Set of plastic hips, prosthetic legs, and a monkey to answer the door, I'm back in business.


text:
Um... Here's to us who wish us well, and those who don't can go to hell... All right, who's dancin'?


text:
Death Blow: When someone tries to blow you up, not because of who you are, but for different reasons altogether.


text:
For some time... (video of Elaine dancing on the street with Jerry and the street musicians watching her awful dance) It was about five years ago.


text:
He attaches himself to a healthy host company, and the next thing you know, the entire staff's infected.


text:
Kramer, you make me get a ticket for this friend of yours and then the guy forces me to bootleg the movie at gun point!


text:
I was gonna give it to one of my other guys, but it's an arty movie and quite frankly, they don't have the sensibility.


text:
I pressed through the rushes and there, the native dancers whirled before me: limbs flailing, arms akimbo, feet kicking up dust... (All workers laugh)


text:
The little kid who needs bootlegs, because his parent or guardian won't let him see the excessive violence and strong sexual content you and I take for granted.


text:
Well it's, it's..... You know I noticed that somebody wrote in my chart that I was difficult in January of 92 and I have to tell you that I remember that appointment exactly.


text:
You see this nurse asked me to put a gown on but it was a mole on my shoulder and I specifically wore a tank top so I wouldn't have to put a gown on.


text:
Didn't you find it interesting that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your stereo.


text:
The day when I would have the proof I needed to hall you out of your cushy lair and expose to the light of justice as the monster that you are.


text:
This photo clearly indicates your involvement in some ill-conceived mail order pornography ring.As does this one found in the same disturbing packet.


text:
I mean, if anything happened, and we couldn't be friends the way we are now, that would be really bad.


text:
You ask me here to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details.


text:
Eventually, firemen would have to break through the door, they'd find me sitting there in my pajamas with drool coming down my face.


text:
Well, we've tried to arrange a situation where we'll be able to do this once in a while and still be friends.


text:
You're one of those losers in Las Vegas who keeps thinking he's gonna come up with a way to win at blackjack.


text:
We've designed at set of rules that we can maintain the friendship by avoiding all of the relationship pitfalls.


text:
It could be a hot, sweaty room with no air conditioning and all they have is a little army cot this wide (Displays with French fry) You're not going anywhere.


text:
(Elaine is pulling a roll of paper towels about twenty feet long) I'm getting the impression there's a problem.


text:
Whatever I give her, she's going to be bringing in experts from all over the country to interpret the meaning behind it.


text:
Frame says I care for you, but if you wanna get serious, perhaps you'd be interested in someone like this.


text:
(Reading card) Think where man's glory most begins and ends and say my glory was I had such a friend.


text:
Steinbrenner wants everyone in the front office to give a lecture in their area of business expertise.


text:
Piccata, if anything I should be dating a mentor and Bania should be setting pins in a bowling alley.


text:
I'll give him another office on another floor and he can sit there with his nice title and his bayonet and stop freakin' me out.


text:
Before we get started, I am happy to tell you that Eddie Sherman is no longer writing for this catalog.


text:
The Use date was three weeks past, but I was arrogant, I was brash, I thought if I used just the right spices, cooked it long enough...


text:
Your meatloaf is mushy, your salmon croquettes are oily and your eggplant parmesan is a disgrace to this house!


text:
You got that Bosco bit then you got your Nestl&eacute;'s Quik bit, by the time you get to Ovaltine--


text:
Let's just replace 'hail of shrapnel' and 'scar tissue' with 'string of pearls' and 'raspberry scones'.


text:
I don't know how we did it, but there's some kind of chemistry between us, we turned out one hell of a catalog.


text:
I went out on a couple of dates with this woman, I thought she really liked me, and then things kind of cooled off.


text:
(opening the envelope and pulling out a stack of checks) They run it all the time, and now I'm starting to get all these royalty checks.


text:
You know, for a minute there I thought it was like that urban legend about the guy with the hook who's hanging on the fender...


text:
Because, here, every time you turn on a TV, all you see is four morons sitting round an apartment, whining about their dates!


text:
You see, the man who was the butler, uh, had gotten into a car accident with Jerry, and because he didn't have any insurance, the judge decreed that the man become Jerry's butler.


text:
You gotta get 'em outta the drawers and get 'em down here, or I don't have a focus group to sell the pilot to Japanese TV!


text:
They bump you in junior high, the next thing you know you're being bumped in high schools, colleges, trade schools.


text:
Like this afternoon, (To television) what is chicken Kiev, (Back to Jerry) I really enjoyed watching a documentary with Louise.


text:
(Holds lettuce head) Okay, from what I know about you, your brain consists of two parts: the intellect, represented here (Pulls off tiny piece of lettuce), and the part obsessed with sex.


text:
But with no-sex-Louise, this previously useless lump, is now functioning for the first time in its existence.


text:
Well you can confine them, you can punish them, you can cram them into the corner, but they're not going away, Jerry.


text:
Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant.


text:
...so if you like to tell jokes, and love to make people laugh, stand-up comedy may be the career for you.


text:
You just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick it up.


text:
Miss Wilkie, your tobacco company has turned this beautiful specimen, into a horrible twisted freak.


text:
I always knew that after I became a doctor, I would dump whoever I was with and find someone better.


text:
Yeah, but then, you know, some people were telling me about that little flap out there at the junior high assembly.


text:
(Laughs nervously) Uh, George, unfortunately, Clarance Eldridge in 8C has decided that he wants the apartment.


text:
And, in light of the terrible suffering that he's already been through, we've decided to give it to him.


text:
Kramer takes the carton of food to the table, and begins eating) The tenant association made me give it to this guy because he was an Andrea Doria survivor..


text:
(Like a teacher) The Andrea Doria collided with the Stockholm in dense fog 21 miles off the coast of Nantucket.


text:
Alan is getting edgy about it, and even more so with every wave) and I will eat it until my stomach pops!


text:
Right, so, I called my friend, you know - the one who set us up - I found out, he's a bad-breaker-upper.


text:
They gotta be able to cure a (Snaps his fingers in rhythm with his words) lizard, a chicken, a pig, a frog (Stops snapping) - all on the same day.


text:
(Pause) So, uh, Clarence, how about abandoning this apartment, and letting me shove off in this beauty?


text:
You know, if this tenant board is so impressed with suffering, maybe you should tell them the 'Astonishing Tales of Costanza'.


text:
Then tries to delay talking to Newman by keeping the conversation with George going) So, you want a protein shake, or something?


text:
(Fast) Whatever it takes, for as long as it takes me, where ever it takes me as long as it takes you away from me!


text:
(Scene cuts to his closing statements) In closing, these stories have not been embellished, because - they need no embellishment.


text:
Hey, I've been trying to jam stuff in the box, like you told me, but sometimes it says, like, 'Photographs - Do not bend'.


text:
(laughs - hehe) Well, first, I'm brushing my teeth and this piece of apple-skin, that must have been lodged in there for days, comes loose.


text:
Anyway, they made this large donation, to a women's prison, and I get to go down there and check it out.


text:
Nothing really, you know...just eh, stroll around the cell blocks, maybe eh, take in a shower fight.


text:
(chuckles.) Hey eh, you know you got a bounced check hanging up in the little market over on Columbus?


text:
(Notices another person in the library dressed the same as Celia.) So you two uh, shop at the same store, (hu)?


text:
I remember when you wouldn't date that girl who lived in Queens because you didn't want to go over the bridge!


text:
Yeah, no pop-in, no 'in the neighborhood,' no 'I saw your light was on.' And the best part is, if things go really well...


text:
Oh, for heaven's sakes... (She puts the phone down on the couch and goes to help Morty.) Show you...


text:
She ah, she keeps talking about getting back together with her old friends, you know - 'the gang,' as she likes to call them (chuckles), you know.


text:
Once the enemy advances beyond this perimeter - (points at Kurt's head with a pen) - then you won't be Kurt anymore.


text:
(Kramer picks up Little Jerry and takes him to the sink.) Little Jerry is lean, mean, peckin' machine!


text:
George, this is a little too much for me - escaped convicts, fugitive sex...I got a cockfight to focus on.


text:
(digs in her purse and extracts a newspaper clipping) It says standup comedy is not what it used to be, what with def jam and all.


text:
(excited) You're saying I stand to inherit three hundred thousand dollars, is that what you're saying?!


text:
Well, you know, I really like this girl and I, you know, I think if I could just work out this one thing...


text:
(oozing fake sincerity) Well, as much as I enjoy all the good-natured ribbing, nothing really makes me happier than spending money on the people I care about.


text:
By the way, Elaine, (reaches under the table and brings out a large coffee machine) thank you for laying out for the Arabian mocha java.


text:
So, anyway, effective immediately, Miss Benes will return to her old position, at her original salary...


text:
(attempting sincerity) As much as I'd like to see the two of you living it up in a warm, tropical, setting, I, I would just miss you too much.


text:
(unconcerned) Ach, I never knew what the hell I was peddling with those stupid cartoons and that paper book, anyway.


text:
'One bright note in today's market, was the stock of retailer J Peterman, whose founder's surprise return generated a rise of twelve and a half points.'


text:
(reading) 'I, Cosmo Kramer, having just seen the movie The Other Side Of Darkness, and not wanting to be in a coma like that lady in the movie, hereby want Jerry Seinfeld to remove my life support, feeding machine, lung-blower, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.'


text:
(hands racquet to Kramer) I wasn't gonna get it, but this guy Milos, who runs the pro shop, he really recommended it.


text:
Elaine, I paid two hundred dollars for this racquet, because he said it's the only one he plays with.


text:
Everybody has their own little opinions, and it all gets homogenised, and you lose the whole edge of it.


text:
(animated) You know, I spent two hundred dollars on a racquet because I thought you knew what you were talking about.


text:
(reads from the box) 'An old woman experiences pain and yearning.' A hundred and ninety-two minutes?


text:
So concerned was he, that word of his poor tennis skills might leak out, he chose to offer you his wife as some sort of mediaeval sexual payola?


text:
Milos, I can assure you, I had no intention of telling anyone about your unbelievably bad tennis playing.


text:
(quietly) Hey, uh, Milos, I don't mind rolling over here, but could you lighten up on the 'not a man' stuff?


text:
Well, (Clears throat) what part of your life (hits the record button on a mini-recorder, and sets it down on the table) do you want to start with?


text:
(Sits down, addressing the entire foundation board) Why limit myself to just one building, when I can design a whole city?


text:
You know, the stupidest guy in my fraternity became an architect - after he flunked out of dental school!


text:
Well, I'm on the phone with Bob, and I realize right then and there that I need to return this pair of pants.


text:
(Elaine covers her face with her hands - showing her difficulty coping with Kramer) So I'm waiting for the subway, It's not coming, so I decided to hoof it through the tunnel.


text:
Oh, hey, listen, by the way - I'm hosting a little get-together tonight in honor of my little financial upturn..


text:
(Putting on her coat) Oh, you're getting together with some of your jackass friends, and you want me to take notes?


text:
You know, this is liek that Twilight Zone where the guy wakes up, and he's the same - but everyone else is different!


text:
Well, you know, I had Bob Saccamano on the phone, and I suddenly realized that I- (Elaine stops him)


text:
ah, (Looks over at Elaine, and realizes he can't tell the Van Buren Boys story) Oh, nothing - nothing..


text:
you know uh, you didn't hear from me, but, uh, the Van Buren Boys - they never hassle their own kind.


text:
(Rubs his hands together) So, I line up my cold cuts on the couch next to me, but as I'm stacking them up, they keep falling into my foot bath!


text:
The - the train is bearing down on you, you - you dive into a side tunnel - and you run into a whole band of underground tunnel dwellers!


text:
(Elaine gets up to leave) And, by the way, when you get to that chapter about my romantic escapades - feel free to toss yourself in the mix.


text:
(Remembering the watching Van Buren Boys) Give me your wallet, or I'll spill your guts right here on the street!


text:
(on tape, singing) 'Believe it or not, George, isn't at home, please leave a mes-saaage at the beep.


text:
And uh, I was sittin' next to Spike Lee an' he an' Reggie were jawin' at each other, so I guess I got involved.


text:
Well I, well I, felt, pretty bad about everything an' uh, then the three of us, we went to a strip club.


text:
Apparently Peggy--down in Design?--got into a liiiittle bit of a Tiff yesterday with somebody named, 'Susie'?


text:
But, I think that at it's core, this is a Susie-and-Elaine problem that requires, a Susie-and-Elaine solution!


text:
Okay Jerry, how about if Mike fixes your truuunk, we call it even, an' this way, nobody has to get hurt.


text:
(indicating his face, embarrassed) (Heh, right.) You know, it's gettin' kind of late, I, I really have to be going, so, uh, it's nice seeing you again, all right--


text:
(light admonishing, under breath) Let's just try, an' have a nice time for once, an' we'll talk about this when we get home..


text:
You should have heard him talking about Chappaquiddick - trying to blame the whole thing on bad directions.


text:
She dragged me down to that warehouse on the waterfront in Brooklin to see one of her 'performances'.


text:
She's yelling and screaming, and the next thing I know, she throws a big can of chocolate syrup all over my new red shirt.


text:
(Jerry mutters some more, Kramer rubs his hands together in anticipation, then starts dancing around with a reluctant Jerry) Jerry's gonna be a cable boy, a cable boy, a cable boy..


text:
I'm not afraid of flying, although many people do have fear of flying and, I have no arguement with that.


text:
Jerry doesn't suspect anything - yet) Whey you told me what you went through on the plane, it makes you stop and think.


text:
No, I'm gonna hold it under her nose so she can smell the scent of stale Bosco that I had to live with for three years, and I'm gonna say, 'Remember this shirt, baby?!


text:
Well, you know, there are many differences between American and Soviet cultures that you're not aware of.


text:
What do you do at the end of a date when you know you don't want to see this person ever again, for the rest of your life?


text:
So I'm sure whatever germs it landed on were knocked out, and by the time the rest of them realised what was going on, you had already grabbed it out.


text:
I'm in the passing lane of the Arthur Berkhardt expressway, going seventy and (makes impact sound - pckergh!) Dragged this thing for five exits.


text:
(handing Jerry a cigar) Well, as of today I am a proud parent of a one-mile stretch of the Arthur Berkhardt Expressway.


text:
They try to push you into using their cleaning crew, with all their so-called maintenance equipment.


text:
So I, uh, I sat on that bench for a little while, twenty minutes or an hour, and then I figured, check and see what you were up to.


text:
Maybe if I could shrink myself down, like in Fantastic Voyage, and get inside a microscopic submarine, I could be sure.


text:
And uh, (coughs nervously) I was wondering, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, if I could use your apartment to order some food?


text:
Cinderblocks, air-conditioners, shopping carts (makes sound - fzup!), I just rolled 'em into the woods.


text:
My cold's gone, and I've been looking forwards to kissing you, which I'm ready to do now, if you are ready.


text:
I was drinking a Celray, and I brought it up too fast and I banged it into my lip, (lower voice and hurriedly) and then I knocked your toothbrush into the toilet and I wasn't able to tell you before you could use it.


text:
Well you black out lane-lines one and three, and a four-lane highway becomes a two-lane comfort cruise.


text:
Hey, and if you're heading north on the Arthur Berkhardt, whoah Nelly, for some reason four lanes are converging into two, instantaneously right at mile-marker one-fourteen.


text:
I am never going to let some silly hygienic mishap get in the way of, what could be, a meaningful, long-lasting relationship.


text:
Okay, look, uh, when you're in Florida, can my cigar guy drop off some Cubans for me at your parents' house?


text:
I'm in the coffee shop, and this beautiful girl I could never even talk to, mistakes me for her boyfriend.


text:
(flirtatious) You know, I don't have to be up in the morning, and I know a great breakfast place, right around the corner.


text:
(apologetic) Aw, Mr Mandelbaum, I just wanted to come by and tell you how sorry I was that you hurt yourself.


text:
(indicates Jerry) He knocks me outta commission, so (indicates Morty) you can strut around in your fancy number one shirt.


text:
(disbelief) So she wanted you to come up, but you left because you thought some guy might be calling you?!


text:
Boy can you think of what went through my mind when I saw there wasn't going to be enough room under that desk for me and my babies.


text:
I guess it would be nice if you called all the ticket holders if the game was going to be rained out.


text:
So I'm on 3rd Avenue, mindin' my own business, and, yada yada yada, I get a free massage and a facial.


text:
Anyway, I was whispering something to Beth, and Arnie leens over to me, and he goes, 'Would you SHUT UP?!' I mean, he barely even knew me.


text:
Why don't you just show up early for your next date, sit across from each other, and see who the girls sit next to.


text:
Well, we were engaged to be married, uh, we bought the wedding invitations, and, uh, yada yada yada, I'm still single.


text:
He's already got the two big religions covered, if he ever gets Polish citizenship there'll be no stopping him.


text:
I think this Father Curtis might be very interested to hear what Whatley has the Pope doing with Raquel Welch.


text:
Marcy comes up and she tells me her ex-boyfriend was over late last night, and 'yada yada yada, I'm really tired today.' You don't think she yada yada'd sex.


text:
I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisk, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.


text:
And then, I was on such a... high, that I went upstairs to the salon on the fifth floor, and got a massage and facial, and skipped out on the bill.


text:
They're out on the ocean and, yada yada yada, and she says, 'Those aren't buoys.' (Father starts laughing) Father...


text:
I mean, I talked to him and, blah blah blah, he asked about you guys and, da da da da da, more questions, bleh bleh bleh....


text:
She, uh, went shopping for some shoes for the wedding and, yada yada yada, I'll see her in six to eight months.


text:
Marriage is not an intervention to be entered lightly... Yada yada yada, I pronounce you man and wife.


text:
Now, unfortunately, league rules prevent us from making you an offer while you're still under contract.


text:
It'll be like, wup (judders and puts his hands to his temples, as if receiving a call on a 'mental phone') getting a call here.


text:
I got all this junk at Cinqo de Mayo, because I was trying to show Putumayo how much business they'd lost.


text:
It's taken me thirteen years to climb up to the top of that speed-dial, and I don't intend to lose my spot to you.


text:
(getting worked up) You knew I was having a millennium party, but you just had to throw yours on the same day!


text:
I put a deposit down on that revolving restaurant that overlooks Times Square, and I booked Christopher Cross.


text:
Well, Mrs Hamilton, it's certainly nice that you and Valerie patched things up, so we could all get together like this.


text:
I'm a wealthy American industrialist uh, looking to open a silver mine in the mountains of Peru and uh, before I invest millions in a lucrative mine, I, I'd like to go a little native.


text:
Uh, Get the feel of their condiments, of their unmentionables, you know, the real uh, gritty-gritty.


text:
You personally insulted me, my staff... I cannot believe that you, body-suit man, could perpetrate such a disloyalty.


text:
(rising) Now, if you gentlemen'll excuse me, I'm not going to the game today, I'm gonna go outside and scalp some tickets.


text:
Well, maybe so, but come midnight, when she's looking for someone warm and cuddly to kiss, I guess you'll be caught between the moon and New York City.


text:
Oh, that's interesting, because as everyone knows, since there was no year zero, the millennium doesn't begin until the year two-thousand and one.


text:
Kramer, ahem, remember that whole deal with you selling Peterman your stories for his book and then he gave them back to you?


text:
It's crunchy, it's explosive, it's where the muffin breaks free of the pan and sort of (makes hand motions) does it's own thing.


text:
I'll pick you up a sundress and a parasol and you can just (high pitched voice) sashey your pretty little self around the town square.


text:
I'm not from around here so it's okay if I'm stupid, and she knows I'm only in town visiting so there's no messy breakup


text:
You know if you take everything I've ever done in my entire life and condense it down into one day, it looks decent.


text:
Now the bus tour, which is real, takes to places that, while they are real, they are not real in sense that they did not *really* happen to the *real* Peterman which is you.


text:
Lippman, when I worked for you at Pendent Publishing, I believed in you, you know as a man of integrity.


text:
Well, guess that's all right for now, but if you say here for more than a few months, you're a real sucker.


text:
We have three hours left on this thing, and I can't drive and argue with you rubes all at the same time.


text:
The Sanitation Department won't get rid of them all, I can't get a truck to haul this stuff until next week.


text:
Steinbrenner, I would like to thank you for taking a chance on a hen supervisor at Tyler Chicken like our boy George here.


text:
You know I never though he would be able to recreate the experience of actually knowing him, but this is pretty close.


text:
(the back of his head also to the camera) Well I don't know who he is but if you want him that bad I'm not giving him up that easily.


text:
They don't like to see empty seats on TV so when somebody gets up I just park my kaboos on their spot until they get back.


text:
How's this (Sam hits a pen case out of the table), or this (swings a paper holder of the table and starts to clear the table left and right).


text:
we are always sitting here, I am always helping you with your girl problems and you are helping me with my girl problems.


text:
There's a big tap dance number just before Jean Harris leaves the (?) school to confront Dr Tarnover.


text:
I heard from someone that when they cut one of her lines, she climbed up the rope on side of the stage and started dropping lights on peoples heads.


text:
Because men think if women are grabbing and clawing at each other there's a chance they might somehow kiss.


text:
Hey George, one second, she's having a party friday night and she wants me to take care of the invitations.


text:
Well, it seems that due to the vagaries of the production parameters of this fragmenting of the audience to the cable television, carnivals, water parks...


text:
Well, you're fired because you don't move your arms when you tap dance, you're like a gorilla out there I've gotta go...


text:
(on the tape)...if not in your apartment then in the laundry room or the ATM in the building across the street or the watch shop!


text:
But with a lot of hard work and a little bit of luck, I think there's a good chance you may, one day, walk again.


text:
Now I don't want you to think that anyone's gonna treat you any differently just because of your, uh, (clears his throat) handicap.


text:
He got more work done than I did, made more money, had a wife, a family, drove a better car than I did.


text:
You know, old friend, sometimes I ponder this silly gulf between us and I say, 'Why?' Are we really so different.


text:
Ugh, I hope a giant mountain rises out of the ocean and we just ram right into it and end this whole thing!


text:
Yeah, see, uh, when we met, I was over there and, uh, you were over here, so the image, uh, the image was reversed, like, uh, like in the mirror.


text:
Well it must be comforting to know you'll be going straight to hell at no more than three miles an hour.


text:
I mean, it was edgy, it was not my sort of thing but some of those people out there, they really liked it.


text:
George, I've realized we've signed a one-year contract with you, but at this point I think it's best that we both go our separate ways.


text:
Well, he and I starting joking that when she falls asleep her stomach stays awake all night and talks to me.


text:
I went to the movies last night, I went to the bathroom and I unbuckled a little wobbly and the buckle kind of banged against the side of the urinal.


text:
The renovating the restaurant you don't own part or spending the two hundred million you don't have part?


text:
If you need to, you can familiarize yourself with the kitchen...Yeah, go ahead and look through some of the drawers.


text:
Well, apparently NYU is very enthusiastic about their students getting some real world corporate experience.


text:
Well, this will really free up my time so I can focus on more important things, like my bladder system.


text:
Costanza debated on whether or not iron man wore some sort under garment between his skin and his iron suit...


text:
Seinfeld's drink with his bare hands using it to wash up (Jerry is taking a sip of water and looking mad) then Mr.


text:
As far as I can tell your entire enterprise is more than a solitary man with a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken.


text:
(calls on intercom) Attention Play Now employees, George Costanza's handicapped bathroom is now open on the sixteenth floor to all employees and their families.


text:
All I need to do is fill some sort of rubber container with oil and then drop it to see whether or not it can restrain the impact.


text:
David I know this hurts, but it's the way it has to be (Puddy is giving her a look like he's going to still get some).


text:
You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I'd be standing here about to solve the worlds energy problems, I would've said you're crazy... Now let's push this giant ball of oil out the window.


text:
So Clare sure looked real funny covered in oil like that... (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o I got beamed with a giant ball of oil...


text:
That's all I ever heard growing up is 'Why can't you be more like Lloyd Braun?' Did you know he was in a mental institution?


text:
Uh, by the way, could you do me a favor and tell Mitchell Tanenbaum that I will be unable to attend this Saturday.


text:
(Entering Jerry's apartment with a cartload of computers) Jerry, I've found a way to beat Lloyd Braun!


text:
Sure I'm not funny anymore, but there's more to life than making shallow, fairly-obvious observations.


text:
Well, something's goin' on here, 'cause every able-bodied Israelite in the county is driving pretty strong to the hoop.


text:
I tell you what they should do, they should combine the two jobs, make it one job, 'cop\garbage man'.


text:
Ya know, its not fair people are seated First Come First Served, It should be based on who's hungriest.


text:
You walk over that table, you pick up an eggroll, you don't say anything, you eat it, say 'thank you very much', wipe your mouth, walk away- I give you 50 bucks.


text:
OK, I don't wanna go over there and do it, and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard on it or something...


text:
I know this sounds crazy, but the two men who are standing behind me are going to give me 50 bucks if I stand here and eat one of your eggrolls.


text:
And I begin to perceive this impending... intestinal requirement, whose needs are going to surpass by great lengths anything in the sexual realm.


text:
And as this is happening I'm thinking, even if I can somehow manage to momentarily... extricate myself from the proceedings and relieve this unstoppable force, I know that that bathroom is not gonna provide me with the privacy that I know I'm going to need...


text:
So I finally stop and say, 'Tatiana, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I think it would be best if I left'.


text:
So I'm dressing and she's staring up at me, struggling to compute this unprecedented turn of events.


text:
The only excuse she might possibly have accepted is if I told her I am in reality Batman, and I'm very sorry, I just saw the Bat-Signal.


text:
Remember, it was such a treat to go and they serve you this different food that you never saw before, and they put it in front of you, and it is such a delicious and exciting adventure?


text:
Yeah, I told her to call me here and to tell anyone who answers the phone to ask for a balding, stocky man with glasses.


text:
You know, I mean, I would think the hardest thing about being a cannibal is trying to get some very deep sleep, you know what I mean?


text:
Ok, we got your...got your strawberries, your chocolate sauce, your pastrami on rye with mustard, your honey...


text:
Hey, speaking of which, I found a great way to separate the skin from the top of the pudding without leaving any around the edges;


text:
In fact, if even one corpuscles of that blood should find it's way across that hall I will freak out on you Kramer!


text:
I guess a certain someone changed her mind about whether someone was responsible enough to watch certain other someone.


text:
Kramer is actually sleeping one off, so I thought that I'd help out...(Kramer moans from the bushes) what's that, some raccoon or something...(hits Kramer with a broom.)


text:
I found out that Vivian has some kind of medical problem and if the worst happens she wants me to take care of Jimmy.


text:
I don't know, I don't know...we had HoHos for dinner and then eh...and then he put this plastic bag over his head and started running around until he got tired and then he laid down somewhere I...I tell you I'm no good watching that kid.


text:
Yeah, that's what you did...I can't believe I got another session with Izzy Mandelbaum, he's probably makes me box a kangaroo.


text:
Oh, by the way, when you get back to your apartment try to keep it down because Newman is taking a nap in your bed.


text:
Oh, man...(looks to the glove compartment for a manual.) 'If the engine begins to overheat, turn off air conditioner'.


text:
When a mail truck will slow beside you, and a door will open, and a mailman you know, maybe even trust, will offer to give you a lift.


text:
As much as I hate the idea of being a van guy, it's much better than hanging out here with the nocturnal dirt people.


text:
An army of men in wool pants running through the neighborhood handing out pottery catalogs, door to door.


text:
The way I remember it, Cain, he was a successful doctor, but when he took this special formula, he became Mr.


text:
(putting on jacket) Oh, well a lot of the stars from the 70's - they were not as hygienic as they appeared on TV.


text:
(Elaine sits down) Boy, is it possible that you're even more beautiful than the last time I saw you?


text:
(to Jerry) I'm gonna have to give that guy a taste of his own medicine, so, I am going to sidle, the sidler.


text:
We could of course try to save him but, it would be costly, difficult and we'd have to send away for some special really tiny instruments.


text:
Well, actually, it's kind of a funny story because she has this amazing toy collection and last night I finally got to play with them.


text:
(Newman starts the taped music) Jerry, now, what you do with your personal life is your business, but when you're on my set - you clean it up, mister!


text:
So when I saw George on the street with an 18 pound turkey and a giant box of wine, I thought: ... What a coincidence.


text:
That infernal rattling sound that has plagued me these past two days - and I could not find the source.


text:
(looks down to his yellow note cards) Okay, Jerry, uh, you uh, you drugged a woman in order to play with her toy, collection.


text:
Your background is impressive George, but how does it apply to what we do here, at Kruger Industrial Smoothing?


text:
Well, at the Yankees it was all about smoothing things over, you know, chiseling away, grinding down.


text:
You were right Kramer, this slicer is absolutely amazing...yeah, yeah...no no no I'll bring it by tonight...ok bye.


text:
So I set up a screening, everyone takes their shirt off and click, I snap me a shot of a bear-chested Kruger.


text:
Umm, I'm not actually going straight to home, I have to first stop at the eh...circus, you know with all the...clowns.


text:
I'll do your friend's cancer screening, because I believe in that, but as far as you and I are concerned;


text:
Now you listen to me, you've got to find this woman and tell her that you're not a test tube pin cushion.


text:
And I was in that photo, until I broke in here, stole the photograph and airbrushed myself out of there!


text:
(While skimming a Monk's menu) You know, I didn't go to the bathroom the entire time we were in India.


text:
Yeah, I'll have a hot one, (pulls out some cash and slaps down a bill on the stand) everything on it.


text:
These things'll kill ya... but so what...(squirts mustard on the hot dog)You're already gonna drop dead (grins)


text:
And what better way to pass the time than gabbing with my best friend -- with whom there are no secrets.


text:
(Puts the bottle of Schnapps in her mouth, flips her head up, drinking it, then puts it back down with her teeth.


text:
(To his new girlfriend) You see, my dear, all certified mail is registered, but registered mail is not necessarily certified.


text:
(Resumes telling the story) I go to his birthday part, and just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look..


text:
(seeing Kramer struggle to open a soda, spilling it all over) I think the damage is probably already done.


text:
Anyway, uh, Jerry, you know, this may sound dumb, but, you know, when we first met I thought your name was Gary.


text:
And, I think I may even have called you Gary a couple of times, and... I don't know if you noticed, but I always felt bad about it, so, I'm sorry.


text:
(standing in the bathtub) Now my sense of it is that you're probably wasting time working piecemeal, first cleaning one area, then another.


text:
I'm so sorry that I didn't want your rather bulbous head struggling to find its way through the normal-size neck hole of my finely knit sweater.


text:
You know, I mean, we broke up a few times and there has been an occasional guy here or... or there, but, wh-why is this your business?


text:
(leaving the room after rubbing Peggy's keyboard on her butt, sticking the stapler in her armpit, and coughing on her doorknob) Oh.


text:
Well, you know, I'm trying to get out of the shower sooner, and then I ask myself, 'Why?' I mean this is where I want to be.


text:
So I got a waterproof phone, I shaved, I brushed my teeth, and now I ordered a pair of chinos from J.


text:
She thinks I made her sick because I coughed on her doorknob, rubbed her stapler in my armpit, and put her keyboard on my butt.


text:
When I was in the Cub Scouts, I got stuck on Weebolos for three years 'cause I kept losing the Pinewood Derby.


text:
(naked, carrying a belt sander) I found a rough spot on the kitchen floor, I thought I'd polish it up with this belt sander I have here.


text:
Elaine, it was very nice of you to bring the man you're currently sleeping with over to talk to me, but I assure you, I don't have any problem with germs.


text:
Well, I talked to my sponsor, and, uh, I've thought it over, and, you know, my apology at the coffee shop was sarcastic, and rude, and you deserve much better.


text:
I don't want to get into a big thing here, but... I'm not sure if, technically, what you just said was actually an apology.


text:
And here's to David Puddy for helping me install a much needed and much appreciated garbage disposal in my bathtub.


text:
(Reading the card from Whatley) 'This holiday season a donation has been made in your name to the Children's Alliance.'?


text:
(Takes off his coat, puts it in the display case, then turns to see a plate full of bagels.) What are those?


text:
(Jerry and George stop eating) Oh, we try to fool them by putting a few fresh ones on top, but they dig..


text:
Kramer, listen, I got a little phone relay going, so, if a guy calls H&H and he's looking for me, you take a message.


text:
And at the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and you tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.


text:
(Pulls a check from his pocket) I'm suppose to find a charity and throw some of the company's money at it.


text:
When your, uh, when your wallet was open, I - I glanced inside, and I couldn't help but notice that you have several crisp dollar bills.


text:
(Tapping the door you lift to retrieve your candy on the machine) I think the candy comes out over there.


text:
You know, Rick, oftentimes, Jerry - he lends me his car and I find myself in a situation where the car is almost out of gas.


text:
But, for a variety of reasons, I don't want to be the one responsible for purchasing costly gasoline.


text:
(Reading off what he's adding up on the calculator) Transport charge, storage surcharge, additional overcharge, finder's fee... 


text:
And when you purchased your Twix bar, you got a little freebie, and you never bothered to ask why, or seek out its rightful owner.


text:
Now, that-that-that is a cookie - and we all know that Twix is the only candy bar with the cookie crunch.


text:
I think I've reached the point in my life where I can tell the difference between nougat and cookie.


text:
Now, if you want to play hard ball, I got my friend, George, here, and he can play pretty hard... ball.


text:
All right, Puddy, listen, and listen good: I need to know the name of that mechanic that walks around here.


text:
(Handing a sheet of paper to Jerry) Jerry, I just need your signature here, and we'll get you that yellow car ready to go.


text:
When that car rolls into that dealership, and that tank is bone dry, I want you to be there with me when everyone says, 'Kramer and that other guy, oh, they went further to the left of the slash than anyone ever dreamed!' 


text:
Now, if this mechanic guy, was, in fact, eating a 5th Avenue bar, as he claims, wouldn't you agree he would have no problem picking one out from a candy line-up?


text:
I've spent the last hour preparing ten candy bars with no wrappers or identification of any kind for him to select from.


text:
Oh, I walked by Bloomingdale's the other day, and I saw that massage chair we want to get Joe Mayo as an apartment gift.


text:
Show this card at any participating Orlando-area Exxon station...to get your free 'Save the Tiger' poster.


text:
So I guess I'll have to buy him a new coat, even though I don't think I should be held responsible, which I am anyway.


text:
I mean, of all the men that I know, you're the only one who's held down a steady job for several years.


text:
For I am in love with Svetlana, and I don't care if the whole world knows, except for Silvio, who would throw me out of the apartment, where I would be dancing on the sidewalk--


text:
All right, why don't you just take a good, hard look at what your life will be like if I'm not around?


text:
Now, all you gotta do is put this on, you go down to the corner, you pick up a paper, and you come right back.


text:
I just came back from (?) Whoooooooo.....I'm on my way to an audition still waiting for that big break.


text:
I come in here to get a pleasant meal and if we're not gonna have one I'll grab a bite to eat at your place.


text:
Don't tell a woman she looks like a man and George doesn't want to hear his girlfriend looks like me and frankly neither do I


text:
ha!, For to blab to the neighbors about George has a new fem-Jerry friend or to tell everybody at the coffee shop ho George is all mixed up in a perverse sexual amalgam of some girl and his best friend.


text:
Well we're hoping that if perhaps that the catalog is a little funnier,people won't be so quick to return the clothes ha ha....For example..


text:
you people should be ashamed of yourself, you know ya doodle a couple of bears at a cocktail party talking about the stock market.


text:
Hi everybody think you're really going to like this 'cos it' about me...All right it's not just about me It's about me and this guy;


text:
I run into this Jerry on the street and he says to me ' Sally, You stink, You should give up acting.' Oh!


text:
Yes, The New Yorker, I've met with their cartoon editor and I got him to admit that that cartoon ...MADE NO SENSE....


text:
What, your sad little horsies, the house with the little curl of smoke, the sunflower with the smiley face.


text:
I know but I thought that maybe you could mention how I apologized then encouraged you to stick with it.


text:
That I could have everything I have with Jerry but because it's a woman I could also have sex with her....And that somehow that would be exactly what I always wanted.....She doesn't even look like Jerry..


text:
...Hello Sally, yeah this is Jerry,I just wanted to leave you a message that I caught your little piece on TV and..


text:
....I'm getting a little tired of hearing how horrible I am and would appreciate it if you would leave me out of your act all together.


text:
Na....no ... This relationship he..he..has got to be about something and fast or I'm in very serious and weird trouble....hum What else happened?


text:
(Elaine turns to look at the man, trying to make it sound like they aren't talking about him) The thing about that painting..


text:
So they went out a few times, but apparently, when the fellow returned home, he discovered that the Benes tattoo does not wash off so easily.


text:
(They can see the manager chewing the busboy out from the dining room doorway) I think the busboy's in trouble.


text:
(Jokingly trying to put more pressure on Elaine and George) He'll probably kill his family over this.


text:
I mean, let's face it, it's not a profession where you embellish your resume and undergo a series of grueling interviews.


text:
His phone's been disconnected, but I was able to obtain an address - 1324 Amsterdam Avenue, apartment 4D.


text:
The busboy answers) Uh, I'm sorry to bother you, I was in the restaurant earlier and I was wondering if I could talk to you for a few minutes about what happened.


text:
(Interrupting) Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I'm really sorry that happened, and if I can help out in any way, I'll certainly be glad to do that.


text:
(Gestures for Kramer to shut up) Once again, Antonio, I can't even begin to say how deeply, deeply sorry I am about everything.


text:
Because if there's even the slightest chance of any problem at all, I don't want to take it - because if I don't get this guy on a plane to Seattle and out of my life, I'm gonna kill him, and everyone who tries to stop me.


text:
It's got everything - it's got everything... If you oversleep more than ten minutes, a hand comes out and slaps you in the face.


text:
Flying doesn't make me nervous - driving to the airport can make you very nervous because when you're flying, when you're getting on the plane, if you miss that plane, there's no alternative.


text:
It's not a direct cannon, you have to change cannons after you land.' (Imitates cannon operator) 'I'm sorry, where you goin'?


text:
(Gets his suitcase from the closet, throws it on the bed, and frantically starts packing) You get dressed!


text:
(Recahes into one of her drawers, and grabs a brown sweater, then packs it) You got a brown sweater!


text:
I was going faster than I've ever gone before, and yet, it all seemed to be happening in slow motion.


text:
I was seeing three and four moves ahead, weaving in and out of lanes like an Olympic skier on a gold metal run.


text:
They say no one's ever beaten the Van Wyck, but gentlemen, I tell you this - I came as close as anyone ever has.


text:
And if it hadn't been for that five-car-pile-up on Rockaway Boulevard, that numbskull would be on a plane for Seattle right now instead of looking for a parking space downstairs.


text:
Three nights ago, a gas main beneath the restaurant exploded, killing five people in my section, including the busboy who replaced me.


text:
If I am not fired that night because of you and your thoughtless, stupid, insensitive remarks, it would have been me.


text:
And that very same night of the accident, while looking for Pequita, I found a job in a restaurant where they pay me almost twice what I was making before - and when I returned to the apartment, Pequita, perhaps frightened from the explosion, had miraculously returned.


text:
Why don't they have the boxers come into the ring in little cars, drive around a bit, have a little accident?


text:
I mean, if I was getting the chair, I'd go for something... hot and spicy, you know... Thai, maybe Mexican.


text:
Let's see if you can get it in your head that this is not an Easter egg hunt for your childish amusement.


text:
(putting on his coat to go downstairs, he finds the key in his coat pocket) I believe this belongs to you.


text:
(arriving at apartment, sees Phil start to open his apartment door, only one door down from Kramer's) So you live right... there.


text:
Wh-what am I supposed to do, just walk into his hovel, and hand him... well, how much do you think it would be?


text:
(Jerry reacts) Anyway, I told him it'd be fine with us if he wanted to let it stretch its wings out in the hallway.


text:
Because since you've been playing God with the front door, I've been tryin' to smooth things out, Jerry.


text:
So, uh, (starts walking towards door) Phil won't be compulsively looking for it like some people... You!


text:
(in a tuxedo) So, you're in a relationship with a woman you don't like, and you're having an affair with a woman that won't have sex with you.


text:
Kramer, I need those cufflinks, but now they're in the box, and the key is in the bird... What are we gonna do?


text:
I have ruined three lives... (grabbing coat) Well, I understand if you never want to see me again, so... (points towards door)


text:
Oh, I just, uh, leased a house out in the Hamptons, and I have got to get out there this weekend and sign the papers.


text:
Kramer, these people work and wait their whole lives to move down here, sit in the heat, pretend it's not hot, and enforce these rules.


text:
Well, I know when I'm a little strapped, I sometimes drop off my rent check having forgotten to sign it.


text:
I can usually come up with one good comment during a meeting but by the end it's buried under a pile of gaffs and bad puns.


text:
Alright, well why don't we smooth the head down to nothing, stick a pumpkin under its arm and change the nameplate to Ichabod Crane?


text:
In your packet you will find the disease you have been assigned and the symptoms you will need to exhibit.


text:
The only reason I got out to get a bite today was that he finally promised to buckle down and do some actual work.


text:
I am not going to hell and if you think I'm going to hell, you should care that I'm going to hell even though I am not.


text:
(pulling a liquor bottle from his jacket pocket) Well, I guess it started about twenty years ago when I got back from Viet Nam, and this was the only friend I had left.


text:
What's important is I'm not gonna let a little thing like that ruin what could be a very long-term and meaningful relationship.


text:
As the wolly-haired Melanasians of Papua, New Guinea once said, (Makes a series of clicking and popping sounds.


text:
(Gesturing to dishes and silverware on the table) But you can clear some of this stuff out of the way.


text:
Now, what we're looking for are motivated, hard-working, homeless gentlemen like yourselves to pull rickshaws.


text:
(One of the homeless men starts to wander off, walking away) Now, I don't caer where you're from, or how you got here, or what happened to your homes.


text:
(Yelling out to Rusty) Alright, pace yourself, 'Cause you're gonna have to do this all day for very little money.


text:
(Joking around) Well, you know, eighty-five percent of all homeless rickshaw businesses fail within the first three months.


text:
But here's the beauty part - now I stand up for myself by telling everybody I'm dumping his sorry ass, and I'm the office-


text:
(He stops in his tracks when he sees Elaine looking at George's book) What is that doing on the table?


text:
You know, when you think about it, it's kind of silly for us both to pull this thing all t he way back uptown.


text:
(Starts pointing back and forth between Newman and him with each word of the rhyme) One spot, two spot, zig, zag, tear, pop-die, pennygot, tennyum, tear, harum, scare 'em, rip 'em, tear 'em, tay, taw, toe..


text:
Mister, we're trying to help the homeless heare - it's bad enough that we have some nut out there trying to strap 'em to a rickshaw!


text:
Yeah, and here it is: You get your toilet book out of here, and I won't jump over this counter and punch you in the brain!


text:
(Trying to straighten things out) You defile one book, steal another, ask for your money back - and to you that's even?


text:
Look, I'll be honest with you, we've had a lot of trouble with theft lately - and my boss says I have to make an example to someone.


text:
For he's a jolly good fellow...happy birthday to you...for he's a jolly good fellow...birthday to you...which nobody can deny...


text:
Yeah, you're better off sitting around here, reading comic books, and eating spaghetti at two in the morning..


text:
The perfect combination of Mountain Dew and mozzarella...just the right amount of grease on the joy stick...


text:
I need a guy that can rig a Frogger machine so that I can move it without losing power, 'cause I have the high score.


text:
Slippery Pete's got the Frogger running on battery power, the truck will be there any minute, and Kramer's taped out the loading zone.


text:
You are about to be launched via pastry back to the wedding of one of the most dashing and romantic Nazi sympathizers of the entire British Royal family.


text:
Elaine, up until a moment ago, I was convinced that I was on the receiving end of one of the oldest baker's grift in the books--The Entenmann's shim-sham.


text:
Until I remembered the videotape surveillance system that I installed to catch other-Walter using my latrine.


text:
Do you know what happens to a butter-based frosting after six decades in a poorly ventilated English basement?


text:
Elaine, do you think I would go willy-nilly into a situation so obviously fraught with potential complications?


text:
I've had a lot of experience with semantics, so don't try to lure me into some maze of circular logic.


text:
You know, if I could get this Coco woman down to Kruger, they wouldn't be able to call me Koko anymore because Kruger would never allow 2 Kokos.


text:
The distance, the longing, the distance, the-- you know, I didn't realize it, but I'm a needy person.


text:
Well, it kinda depends on the situation, but if I don't get my money from you, I'm gonna get it from her.


text:
Because sometimes you call very early in the morning when Gammy has been out late the night before and sometimes when Gammy's not alone.


text:
Anyway, right in the middle, the ship blows up-- burning debris, bodies falling-- and then just as this eerie silence settles over the airfield, I yelled out, 'That's gotta hurt!'


text:
We leave the car here, we take the plates off, we scratch the serial number off the engine block, and we walk away.


text:
If you refuse to grow up and scam your insurance company, you'll have to work this out with maroon Golf.


text:
You'll be fine as long as it doesn't hit you right in the pupil, 'Cause then the whole ball will go up like the Death Star.


text:
And, um, yes, I'm looking for a place where I can settle down with my, uh, peculiar habits, and, uh, the women that I frequent with.


text:
Wouldn't it just bounce back and forth between your cornea and the mirror, faster and faster, getting more and more intense, until finally-


text:
Varnsen, if you like the apartment, I should tell you I've also had some interest from a wealthy industrialist.


text:
Because I know what day this is, they know what day this is, so I was wondering if you know what day this is!


text:
Well so she mentioned that she had a son, and then for some reason, I launch into the story about the kid from Pennsylvania who was abducted.


text:
Well I've never actually done it but if I really wanted to I could probably get one from my friend Roy, the dentist.


text:
Look I'm tellin-- (he does a double take and looks at George) I'm telling ya, that was Joe DiMaggio.


text:
...so we were just kinda wondering if it was possible for you to write us a note, and if you can't, believe me, it's fine.


text:
(Hangs up) I can't believe this, I make one innocent comment, about some lunatic in Pennsylvania and I'm cut off.


text:
And, uh, I start banging on the table, you know, to uh, so that he'll look up, you know, Like I'm sitting there you know and uh, *bang* (slams the table) You know, *bang* He wouldn't move.


text:
No reaction because the guy is so focused, you see, he can just block out anything that's going on around him.


text:
--but, you see, let me just talk to you for a second, see, what I did is inadvertently sent an insurance--


text:
(he bangs on the glass to get Kramer's attention, Elaine laughs) Maybe it's time you got a different hobby.


text:
Wait, wait... hold on now, wait, wait... *bang* (he slams his hand down on the table, startling Jerry, Elaine and George) *bang* (again) *yip* (another high pitched yelping sound) *yip* *yip* See?


text:
What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store, thinking it's a shoe store, and the salesman goes, 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around the store a little bit, see how you feel.


text:
And even though I'm working as an accountant now I'd really like to eventually live exclusively on my pappe-ay mache-ay hats


text:
If you insist o making pasta in my apartment please don't put the tomato sauce on the pasta while it's in the strainer.


text:
And ... I could really live without the tribal music ... and the make out sessions in the living room


text:
An old friend of mine, whom you may have met, George Costanza, has recently become intimate with a female accountant who was formally a highly placed official with an outfit known as the IRS.


text:
You call everyone by their full name You call my doorman, Sammy, 'Samuel' but you didn't even say 'Samuel' You went 'Sam - U- EL' Papie-eh Mach-eh What is Papie-ay Mach-ay?


text:
... if this audit had happened to me and I didn't have this woman to help me I would have killed this man.


text:
It's because when you have clothes on you can always kinda make those little adjustments which people like to do ... you feel like you're getting it together, yeah, yeah pretty good (pulling at lapels, pockets etc.) feeling good looking good But when you're naked it's like it's so final you're, Well that's it.


text:
Cause I feel it gives me something, I know I'm naked, but you know, (tugging and lifting belt) I like to get pockets to hang off of the belt that would be, wouldn't that be the ultimate?


text:
You know I hate to raise a crass financial concern but was there any information as to the where abouts of my PAPERS!


text:
Ha, ha, if everyone who was pretentious was in a mental institution, ... uh, obviously THIS isn't a mental institution.


text:
(on phone)Yes, I'm trying to get a copy of a receipt for a computer that I bought there.... it was 1987 ... I remember I talked to a guy - he had like a maroon sport jacket - and he might have had a toupee - oh, it was a weave - ok uh, then I'll come bye ok, bye.


text:
I'm going to a poetry reading with PATRICE: First time poets, in a burnt out building, down by the docks, Supposed to be good.


text:
I think they should take all your receipts and put them in one of those big Lucite sweepstake drums and just kinda crank it around there.


text:
(tries to explain to Morty but Elaine then comes out of the guest room to get more luggage, so he fakes a conversation) ...but you know, look at the sun-dried tomatoes.


text:
You never know what... huh (waiting for Elaine to go back in the guest room) you know... huh... What could happen to a vegetable.


text:
So Jerry goes on quieter) We've tried all kind of arrangements, but we can't seem to be friends when we sleep together.


text:
Every time he takes it out he goes on and on about how it writes upside down, how the astronauts use it.


text:
(on the microphone) Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, every year, Phase Two of the Pines of Mark Gables honors the previous year president.


text:
And this year we are honoring Morty Seinfeld (the crowd applause and someone yells: Morty!) A man who slept more hours on the job than Ronald Reagan.


text:
It requires hard work, dedication, and commitment, and unfortunately he possesses none of these qualities.


text:
But we do owe him a debt of gratitude because by not fixing the crack in the sidewalk, he put Mrs Ziven out of commission for a few weeks.


text:
(still with his sunglasses) Have you ever noticed how they always give you the peanuts on the planes?


text:
And he says that according to the bylaws of the condo constitution, they need six votes to throw you out for unruly behavior.


text:
I mean if they ever decide to land men on the sun, I think these old retired guys would be the only ones that will be able to handle it.


text:
They'll just sit there on the sun, on the redwood benches, washcloth on the head going: 'Close the door, you're letting all the heat off the sun.


text:
Of course, when they say they're making up time, obviously they're increasing the speed of the aircraft.


text:
Do you know last year I was in over forty, forty-five countries, and I would have gone to more but I had just got a puppy, and he was too young to take with me.


text:
You're missing out on a relationship that could enrich your life in ways that you never could have thought possible.


text:
If you could see her personality it would be like one of the Elephant Man exhibits, you know where they pull off the sheet and everyone gasps.


text:
How about if I come back here first and I clean everything up and I open up the windows and if you're still not satisfied we can switch apartments for the night.


text:
On my block, a lot of ah, people walk their dogs, and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags, which to me is just the lowest function of human life.


text:
If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume was in charge?


text:
It was weird because George and I get along so great in so many situations but this is the first time we ever really went one-on-one.


text:
Well, you know, I mean, sometimes it's good to get there and make sure you get your seats and then go to the bathroom.


text:
Well, George told me the whole story, line for line, I mean I almost feel like I've seen it already and walked out on it.


text:
We used to let him out of his cage, and he would fly around and my mother had built, one entire wall of our living room was mirrored.


text:
Have you ever heard this interior design principle that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room?


text:
There's a guy in there looks just like me.' But the parakeet will fall for this, you'll let him out of his cage, he flies around the room, BANG!


text:
And I'd always think, even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet?


text:
In oticed since ninth grade she was developing this body in secret under these loose clothes for like two years.


text:
People sitting around reading the newspaper attached to huge wooden sticks Trying to save a quarter, ooh,


text:
Oh, Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller, Uh, this case has been turned over to our library investigation officer Mr.


text:
Did you see the homeless guy on the library steps screaming obsenities and doing some calesthetics routine


text:
Um, uh, I was wondering if you got a chance to look at that , um, biography of Columbus, I gave you?


text:
What's amazing to me about the library is it's a place where you go in you can take out any book you whant they just give it to you and say bring it back when you're done.


text:
It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everbody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend.


text:
You think because you're a celebrity that somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you're above the law?


text:
Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers?


text:
What holds the world togetha' ... 'As I have learned from bitter experience is sexual intercourse .'


text:
While you're thinking about that, think about this: The library closes at five o'clock, no exceptions.


text:
So I said uh, 'Can't stand ya'', 'Can't stand ya'' He turns and smiles, the little baked bean teeth.


text:
And you better not screw up again Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over you like a pitbull on a poodle.


text:
Any day that you had gym it was a weird school day, you know what I mean because it kind of like started of kind of normal.


text:
You have like English, Geometry, Social Studies and then suddenly you're like in Lord of The Flies for 40 minutes you know you're hangin' from a rope.


text:
Teachers are yellin' at ya' 'Where's your jock strap?' Ya' know and kids are throwin' dodge balls at you.


text:
GEORGE, JERRY AND ELAINE, WHO'S CARRYING A PLASTIC BAG WITH GOLDFISH, AND KRAMER WHO'S HAVING A ROUGH TIME WITH A LARGE, HEAVY BOX.]


text:
Why do I always have the feeling that everybody's doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?


text:
They're not at some mall in Jersey watching their friends trying to find the world's cheapest air-conditioner.


text:
Would you like a glass of white wine?' JERRY Before you got within twenty feet of this woman, she'd have her finger on the mace button.


text:
If I am not in front of my house at six-fifteen, when my parents get there, they will put me on an aggravation installment plan that will compound with interest for decades.


text:
I was wondering if it would be possible if you're not in a hurry, to drive us around the garage for five minutes so we can look.


text:
All I have to do is walk into a department store and it's like some kind of horse laxative just kicked in.


text:
That's why!...Do you think I enjoy living like this?...the shame, the humiliation...You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition.


text:
See now that bothers me even more than dying bothers me, cause it's people like you who live to be a hundred and twenty because you're not bothered by it.


text:
And I could see how you made a mistake, because pouring water out sounds very much like a person urinating.


text:
(CONT'D) And you know when you think about it it's really quite an amusing case of mistaken identity.


text:
Today my father and mother are celebrating their fiftieth, well I'm jumping ahead here, their forty-seventh wedding anniversary.


text:
(CONT'D) What I haven't told you, or anyone else for that matter, is that my father's been in a Red Chinese prison for the past fourteen years.


text:
Well what happened was my father was staying in the home of one of Red China's great military leaders, General Chang, who by the way came up with the recipe for General Chang's chicken.


text:
(CONT'D) Excuse me...I really... What's happened is that my friend forgot where he parked and if you're not in a big hurry, we'd really appreciate it if...


text:
[Elaine walks past the window glancing in] This is the best tool we have today of measuring a persons' intelligence.


text:
[Elaine walks past the window again, glancing in] And ah now if you'll excuse me, I'd really like to get started, please.


text:
A steaming hot face towel for your... (gives Kramer a hot towel and Kramer screams, Elaine screams and Kramer falls from his chair.


text:
I am not a restaurateur by any means, but it occurred to me that perhaps you might serve some dishes from your native Pakistan?


text:
Babu...[waves Babu to come to table] Babu...you know, I got to tell you, I never do this, but the shrimp, it's just, it's a little stringy.


text:
So I took off the motor relay on the compressor....'cos you..you (stutters) you've got some discoloration


text:
I was working with one.....mount at a time 'cos you don't wanna disturb the position of the compressor.


text:
like the big toe is like the captain of the toes, but sometimes the toe next to the big toe gets so big that there's like a power struggle and the second toe assumes control of the foot.


text:
All right, All right, all, right!!( gives the headphones to Kramer) How you gonna find out who this is?


text:
Really , like a... like a....(leans over to George and whispers) Jerry, I want to slide my tongue around you like a snake.....Ooooooooooha ,oooooohaaaa.....


text:
I stopped at the club to see him and I was standing in the back while he was on, right?, and there was this tape recorder there and I.....got this impulse.


text:
remember I told you how he went to the track that one time and he was yelling at this jockey and the jockey got off the horse and started chasin' him.


text:
(coming out of the shower in a bathrobe) May be she realized she could never have you and she jumped off the George Washington Bridge.


text:
A couple of a guys I knew in the coastguard told me about her.... and I sensed that she had the anger and intensity that I needed to make this film work.


text:
In this scene my co-star who's right over here ( goes over to George who is still on the phone) Follow meeeee... is George Costanza, he plays an airline pilot who's just returned from Rome and I'm about to show him how much I've missed him.


text:
Really...(he honks the car and is startled, Elaine laughs)......I have to say...You were really good doing that porno thing....you're talented.


text:
Did she think she was gonna leave this incredibly erotic message on my tape and I was just gonna let it go.


text:
'cos the other night , you know, I was sleeping with Marion I rolled over and I cut her ankle with my big toe.


text:
(to Kramer) ...( words missing)...laugh , everything's nice and at the end of the night I go for a little contact.


text:
All right You really want to know?...It all started when she told met hat...she was the voice on your tape recorder.


text:
Yes ( goes up to the video machine and inserts the tape) Hey, come here, come here ,take a look at this.


text:
Aah.... ( she stares at the three of them all lined up like the Daltons, all looking at her with lust.) I think I'll get going...


text:
Costanza, we have nothing available at the present time, but should anything open up, we'll be in touch.


text:
I go to bed at night, I tell myself, 'Don't think about the nose, forget the nose,' but I think about it.


text:
You know the ironic thing is if she had a smaller nose, I never could have gone out with her in the first place.


text:
So my mother's going out with this guy who leaves a jacket in her house so, you know, she gives it to me.


text:
So Elaine, all you have to do is go over to the apartment, tell the landlord that you're his daughter and you want to bring him the jacket in prison.


text:
(another pause) Not that I care, one way or the other, but these doctors today really do amazing things, you know, if you were so inclined.


text:
I have never been so repulsed by someone mentally and so attracted to them physically at the same time.


text:
She makes me read these moronic acting scenes with her, and I do it because I'm so addicted to the sex, I'm helpless, I'll do anything.


text:
(holding up a piece of paper) I don't want to see this woman anymore but I haven't got the will power to throw out her number.


text:
Okay, look, Audrey, before you take the bandage off just remember that I was the one that encouraged you to do this, you know?


text:
(removing his glasses) You know, Hawaii could be a little tricky right now, there's a lot of high pressure winds down there this time of year, there's a lot of debris constantly flying around.


text:
Your father gave me strict orders not to turn the jacket over to anyone, but I suppose I can make an exception in your case.


text:
Her big fat stomach hanging out, orthopedic hose up to her knees, screaming down the hall, 'Come back to bed, Albert, you big hairy ape, and bring back that box of Danish!'


text:
The whole party, everyone's gonna be saying to me, 'You came all the way out from Manhattan for this?'


text:
(to the cashier)  Excuse me, I gave you a twenty dollar bill and you only actually gave me change for a ten.


text:
In case one of us gets in a bad conversation, we should have a signal that you're in trouble so the other one can get us out of it.


text:
If anything I'd try to make them think I don't like them, then they think, 'Oh, look at this guy, he's not even looking at me, he must have something going for him.'


text:
 She told me she wants-- (Pauses until a woman coming down the stairs passes)  She told me she wants me to make love to her.


text:
 Well I knew the exit on the Long Island Expressway, and I thought that the address was 8713 Riviera Drive.


text:
 I'm just waiting for a lift back to the island, he won't be ready until eleven, so I figured I'd give you a break.


text:
I see her laughing and talking with other people, they're all so loose and relaxed, I think, 'that used to be me.


text:
 So, I'm chasing these doves down the street and she's screaming at the top of her lungs, and then when the magician comes back from Europe, two of them turned brown!


text:
Well, you know they're making that Woody Allen movie in the block, and all those people and trucks everywhere, when I saw him I must have got a little distracted.


text:
See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding.


text:
They think I'm talking to you, so you pretend like you're talking to me, okay now you start talking.


text:
I'm meeting him for lunch at Chadway's around the corner, do I have to break up with him face to face or can I just wait and do it over the phone?


text:
I got a car overheating, I got an alarm that won't go off, I'm pressing 'one', I'm pressing 'two', nothing!


text:
Oh, well uh, okay I'm there with, uh, Woody, you know, I'm at this bar and, uh, I'm sit-- you know it's Woody Allen, did I mention that?


text:
So I'm sitting there with Woody and I say, I turn to him and I go, 'Boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty.'


text:
Maybe he's been in the bar a really long time and he's really depressed because he has no job and no woman and he's parking cars for a living!


text:
We were walking down the block right by your house and I was just about to break up with him then all of a sudden he started to twitch.


text:
We got here twenty minutes ago but we couldn't move, the whole intersection is gridlocked, I've never seen anything like it.


text:
So finally we make the turn and this guy who's running around triple-parking cars slammed into us with a blue Escort.


text:
Moving cars from one side of the street to the other don't take no more sense than putting on a pair of pants.


text:
(reading) Owen March, prominent author and essayist suffered a stroke yesterday in the upper West Side apartment of a friend.


text:
(continuing) The extent of the damage would have been far less severe had paramedics been able to reach him sooner.


text:
(finishing) The commotion also delayed production of a Woody Allen movie that was shooting up the block.


text:
I mean if I break up with him now it'll look like I'm abandoning him because of his condition, I'll be ostracized from the community.


text:
Yes, now, uh, in your report you said that you were not the driver of the car at the time of the accident.


text:
Well I got a hundred cards, here, pick a card, take a card, any card you want, go ahead, whichever one, I don't care.


text:
Seinfeld, as it stands right now, you are not covered for that damage and there is absolutely nothing that can be done about that.


text:
Um, don't get me wrong, I like coming here, and uh, feeding you and cleaning a little, and paying your bills, that's good stuff.


text:
But at this point in my life, I'm not really sure that I'm ready to make a commitment to one person.


text:
For example, I like running in the park, bicycling, roller skating, tennis and skiing, and um, well, I'm gonna be brutally honest with you now, Owen, it's a bitch to get here.


text:
I mean, like if you were locked in a vomitorium for two weeks, could you actually die from the odor?


text:
Well, you know they were gonna shoot it today, and uh, we rehearsed it twice, then Woody yells 'Action!' and I turn to him and I say, 'These pretzels are making me thirsty' and I took a swig of beer, ya know, and I slammed the glass down on the bar and it shattered.


text:
Well throw back a couple shots of Hennigans and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time.


text:
So she starts vaccuming, back and forth, back and forth, her hips swivelling, her breasts, uh... (trying to think of a word)


text:
So we started drinking, and I'll tell you I don't know if it was the alcohol or the ammonia, but the next think I knew she was mopping the floor with me.


text:
You mean to tell me if I had put that drink six inches over to the right, and none of this would have happened.


text:
Frankly I am shocked that you would ask such a question (Elaine sticking out her tongue like she isn't buying a word of it) of me, that you would think - the only surprise is how you could even think of that.


text:
She keeps calling me, threatening to go to the boss with this thing, I could lose my job, I gotta do something to keep her quiet.


text:
Hey George, did you buy that sweater knowing that red dot was on it because you could get it at a discount?


text:
Here I go out in the spirit of the season (Elaine looking like she's not buying a word of it) and spend all my savings to buy you the most beautiful Christmas sweater I have ever seen to show my appreciation to you at Christmas and this is the thanks that I get at Christmas.


text:
Jerry takes out a hankerchief and starts fake-crying in it.) I mean look, I have no clothes, look at what I'm wearing.


text:
Which is why it is very important that you never breathe a word of this to anyone about the... you know.


text:
When I was a little girl in Panama, a rich American came to our town and he was wearing the softest most beautiful sweater.


text:
But I grabbed onto his leg screaming for him to give me the sweater and he dragged me through the street.


text:
I was in the men's room the other day and they had the hand blower, instead of the paper towels, you know this thing.


text:
It takes a little bit longer, but I feel when you're in a room with a revolting stench you want to spend as much time as you can.


text:
It has come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office.


text:
I tell you I gotta plead ignorance on this thing because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing was frouned upon, you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices and I tell you peope do that all the time.


text:
I hate being around alcoholics because they're either telling you how much they love you or how much they hate you.


text:
Ok, you can take the B or the F and switch for the N at Broadway Lafayette, or you can go over the bridge to DeKalb and catch the Q to Atlantic Avenue, then switch to the IRT 2, 3, 4 or 5, but don't get on the G.


text:
I get the feeling when lesbians are looking at me, they're thinking: 'That's why I'm not heterosexual'.


text:
Well, let's see: speeding, running a red light, no license, no registration, no plates, no brake lights, no rear view mirror...yeah.


text:
This, that we've come all this way, we have made all this progress, but you know we've lost the little things, the niceties.


text:
Well, I was going to say: why don't you get off with me, but you're obviously very busy on your way to some important meeting or something.


text:
Long as you don't wind up trapped in a room with bib overalls and pigtails, been counseled by Dick Gregory.


text:
Really embarrassing, cause you know I had only mother in the whole neighborhood who was worse looking than Hazel.


text:
Anyway ... So John told me that Richie is in town from Los Angeles and he's really messed up on drugs.


text:
Even if this so called mental defective did put something on her leg she's still the one who laughed.


text:
You know I thing Kramer might have been responsible for getting Richie involved with drugs in the first place.


text:
The guy was like 67 years old, it was freezing out, he caught a cold, got pneumonia, and a month later he was dead.


text:
I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner and she said 'no, maybe we could get together for lunch.' You know what that means.


text:
Jerry, let me tell you something, 'A man without hand is not a man.' I got so much hand I'm coming out of my gloves.


text:
Then he's telling us this story about how when he was a kid he was in the car with his father, and his father was trying to load one of them


text:
So as the father's trying to load it he loses control of the car and it crashes into a high school cafeteria.


text:
How long do you have to wait for a guy to come out of a coma before you can ask his ex-girlfriend out?


text:
I just don't know how a person, with everything we now know about pre-natal care can put a cigarette in her mouth.


text:
You can say what you want about me but I'll be damned if I'm going to stand here while you insult my toothbrush.


text:
Well, I don't really know where The Stooges are right now but if I locate them you will be the first to know.


text:
Well, uh, I uh, I don't want you to get upset or anything but uh, with Martin and all, well maybe it's not such a good idea for us to be seen together in the building, because, you know, he had a lot of friends here.


text:
The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing.


text:
Not only that but at the hotel they opened up this area on the beach for nude bathing and all of the Sports Illustrated models went down there.


text:
And they know they're in such demand they're just not interested in confining themselves to one person.


text:
Well, the mediocre ones are available, but they're so insecure about not being one of the good ones that they're always going, 'Well I'm not good enough for you, what are you doing with me?' and eventually I just go, 'You're right.'


text:
No, maybe I need somebody who has nothing, somebody who just has to appreciate being with me because he's so desperate.


text:
When you're hopeless, you don't care, and when you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive.


text:
But, I'm telling you, if I'm not married by the time I'm forty, I'm gonna have to kill her because it's the only fair thing to do.


text:
No, you can be young and bitter, just maybe not as bitter as I'm gonna be ten years from now, but I'm bitter.


text:
Cynthia thought we should nuke the rainforest, you know, get rid of it in one fell swoop so we can at least eliminate it as a subject of conversation.


text:
Alright look, I'm gonna tell you, but I made a pact with Cynthia, we swore we were not going to tell you and Elaine.


text:
He was uncomfortable because it was our first time so he felt he would perform better if we did it in the kitchen.


text:
I was smart, I was funny, I made great small talk with the waitress so she could see I could relate to the commoners, you know, I'm a man of the people.


text:
You're running around out there looking for something that's not even there, when everything that you dream of is right here, right here in front of you.


text:
And he tells me that no matter what happens, whatever I decide is fine with him and that I could depend on him, and that he would be there to support me in whatever way I need.


text:
I said to him, 'I really appreciate this, but I just got my period.' And so, I asked him to come in, he came in--


text:
No way I'm a chucker, I do not chuck, never chucked, never have chucked, never will chuck, no chuck!


text:
You know Keith, what I've always wondered, with all these ball clubs flying around all season don't you think there would be a plane crash?


text:
But if you think about it...26 teams, 162 games a season, you'd think eventually an entire team would get wiped out.


text:
I'll tell you what, I'll give you my number and uh, just give me a call, tell me whenever you want to go.


text:
Sure, well uh, you know I'll check in with you next week uh, I gotta run now because I got a full plate this afternoon.


text:
(imitates) Ya' gotta see the babi - When are ya' gonna see the babi... Can't they just send us a tape?


text:
You know if you waited a few more months it won't be a baby anymore then you wouldn't have to see it.


text:
You know what, bad mistake my mistake do me a favor go back to the other lane - you'll never get there - forget this lane - y'a kn ow what this lane stinks - go back to the other lane - bad decision - go go go take this light - take this light -


text:
We're enjoying a beautiful afternoon in the right field stands when a crucial Hernandez error to a five run Phillies ninth.


text:
Now we're coming down the ramp ... [cut to film of the day - like the Zabruter film - with the Umbrella man and everything - Oh so brilliant parody!!!] ... Newman was in front of me.


text:
A second later, something happened that changed us in a deep and profound way front that day forward.


text:
According to your story Keith passes you and starts walking up the ramp then you say you were struck on the right temple.


text:
The spit then cam off the rib turned and hit Newman in the right wrist causing him to drop his baseball cap.


text:
The spit then splashed off the wrist, Pauses In mid air mind you- makes a left turn and lands on Newman's left thigh.


text:
I am saying that the spit could not have come from behind ... that there had to have been a second spitter behind the bushes on the gravelly road.


text:
I was at the unemployment office and I told them that I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries and I gave them your phone number.


text:
If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk pushing papers around, you can forget it.


text:
Single pump, not too hard, you know, doesn't have to prove anything, but, you know, firm enough to know he was there.


text:
The way I figure it I've already been there and I plan on rounding second tonight at around eleven o'clock.


text:
You know I know this sounds a little arrogant but I never thought she would find anyone she would like better than me.


text:
So I guess it's fair to say you've set different goals for yourself than say, Thomas Edison, Magellan, these types of people.


text:
You see when you move it it tends to open up so it's going to be real difficult getting it down the stairs.


text:
I started to turn around to say something and as I turned around I saw Roger McDowell behind the bushes over by that gravely road.


text:
Well, maybe because we were sitting in the right field stands cursing at him in the bullpen all game.


text:
Everet Coope ... me ... nah ... I couldn't go through with it ... I just didn't feel ready ... so what are you doing now?


text:
One mile from the exit it starts shaking, really violently shaking, like it's having a nervous breakdown.


text:
I see things as they are and I say, 'no!' Uh, wait, you see things as they are not and you s- Wait, uh, you see things, do you see things as they are?


text:
Don't forget what you wrote in the epilogue, the fate of the world depends on the outcome of this game.


text:
...and the Jews steal our money through their Zionist occupied government and use the black man to bring drugs into our oppressed white minority communities.


text:
I'm standing in front of the Paramount adjacent to Madison Square Garden where a growing number of vociferous and angry demonstrators are gathering to protest the very first public appearance of Donald O'Brien, the leader of the midwestern regional chapter of the Aryan Union, and reputed to be their most charismatic spokesman.


text:
Police have set up barricades, but quite frankly Bill and Jean, I don't think they're any match for the emotional fuse that has been lit here tonight.


text:
They come back in a limo with four tickets to the basketball game and wanna be called O'Brien and Murphy?


text:
It's really gonna be something, this is the first time he's ever appeared in public, no one even knows what he looks like.


text:
A limousine has just pulled up it's being surrounded by a huge group of protestors, this has the makings of a very ugly scene.


text:
O'Brien must be having some very grave doubts if he made the right choice for his first public appearance.


text:
Uh, excuse me, uh, I was uh, driving behind you, uh, a few blocks back, and I, I couldn't help, uh, maybe you didn't realize, uh, I witnessed that, uh, um, you're tire's a little low.


text:
That can affect the performance of the twin high-beam suspension, not to mention your rack and pinion steering.


text:
She took no responsibility for mutilating the property of a stranger, then she sped off like a criminal!


text:
He sits in his car and waits for the other person to show up so he can exchange license, registration, and apologize.


text:
Unless, she's one of these multiple sneezers, and he's holding his 'God bless you' in abeyance, until she completes the series.


text:
Well I don't think she is a multiple sneezer, because she sneezed again later, and it was also a single.


text:
You know, if you want to make a person feel better after they sneeze, you shouldn't say 'God bless you', you should say, 'You're soo good lookin''.


text:
Don't sell yourself short saying 'God bless you' to every Tom, Dick and Harry in great personal risk.


text:
Anyway, I just wanted you to know, that I'm going to do everything I can to make sure the party responsible is made to be responsible or something very close to that.


text:
No I haven't spoken to her all day-uh, yeah right, um, as a matter of fact, um, she was here, and she uh, left a note, but I wasn't here, but I have the note, uh, right here.


text:
I wasn't going to do anything until you got her all juiced up with your story about having the affair with the matador!


text:
(George reluctantly begins to look around, while Jerry strolls over to the painting-in-progress [Kramer] and picks up a brush.)


text:
(gesturing towards a small, ugly painting George was apparently look-ing at and happens to be holding) You like that one?


text:
Listen to this: 'I don't know what you expect to find out there, Jerry, you know what you want better than me.


text:
I know I can stand here watching you destroy everything I've ever wanted in my life, wanting to smash your face with my fists, because you won't make even the slightest effort to offer happiness and still know that I love you.


text:
Get away from the job, camp out, you're with your friends... Come on, it's a week-long game of hide-and-seek on horseback.


text:
George, Elaine, and Jerry are watching TV.Jerry, with the remote, is furiously flipping through channels.]


text:
(Elain makes a grab for the clicker, instigating a tug-o-war between Elaine and Jerry over the clicker)


text:
'...'cause you don't even make the slightest effort to offer happiness still know that I love you!!'


text:
After she does, she tries to leave but Lippman, still on the phone, motions for her to stay in the room]


text:
(a knock is heard at the door) I couldn't help notice a STUNNING similiarity-- (Jerry is interrupted as Nina opens answer the door...)


text:
I'd always be worried about that first moment where I'd take it off and see that look of disappointment on her face.


text:
First I look for the dream spot right in front of the door, then I slowly expand out in concentric circles.


text:
(spitting into his hands and rubbing them together) How I wish you could make a living parallel parking.


text:
(turning around in his seat) It's all geometry, knowing all the angles, when to make that first turn and then when to swing it back in, that's the key.


text:
(after pouring the shot in the sink while Jerry was distracted and pretending to have downed it) Okay.


text:
And there were these, like, this pack of extremely wild teenagers in a convertible behind us, okay?!


text:
And so then we payed the toll, and then we went through, and then they started to follow us, alright?!


text:
So George tries to lose them, and, and, but they were in this really like a souped up car, you know?!


text:
And so he turned off the road really suddenly and the car was on two wheels and I was just screaming!


text:
And then they followed us all the way into the city, and then they just stopped and they turned around and they went home.


text:
The forty percent was too much so I found a store to mix it up special for me, they take it down another fifteen percent.


text:
You only went in front first 'cause you saw me backing up and you didn't have room to parallel park!


text:
I did a number on him, it was a thing of beauty, you really had to have been there to appreciate it.


text:
I told him a pack of teenagers in a convertible were terrorizing us and they followed us into the city.


text:
Yeah, by the time I got to the end of the story, he was to relieved that we were alive he couldn't care less about the car.


text:
Every time I leave my house now I have to call everybody I know and ask them if they want to do what I'm doing?


text:
(to George) Why is it every time you park a car in this block, everything gets disrupted and disjointed?


text:
You know, maybe if you hadn't been sitting there pontificating about what a great parker you were, you might have got the space.


text:
Y'know, I was watching 'Thirty Seconds Over Tokyo,' and I - y'know, I wanted to get some popcorn, and I, uh...I used the spare keys that you gave me to come into your apartment to get your popper.


text:
Forgot the popper... (goes to the kitchen, grabs the popper, drops the lid, juggles it around, then exits.)


text:
Hey, did you ever pretend there's like, murderers chasing you, and you try and see how fast you can get your keys out and get into your apartment?


text:
(They prepare to kiss, but are interrupted by Kramer and his girlfriend coming out of Jerry's bedroom, laughing and horsing around.)


text:
Kramer then re-enters seconds later when he realizes he's left his girlfriend in Jerry's apartment.)


text:
Look, I gotta tell ya...I been thinkin' about it, I just don't feel right about letting you into Elaine's apartment.


text:
Well, you know, I shouldn't have let you into Kramer's, now you want to go into Elaine's...she entrusted me with her spare keys, how can I just let you in?


text:
Yes, well, if you had never taken your keys back from Kramer, he never would have taken his back from you and given 'em to me, in which case I wouldn't have had to take mine back from her.


text:
Jerry, unless I pull down on this statuette and a hidden wall opens up, we have checked every square inch of this apartment!


text:
You don't just write a 'Murphy Brown.' You gotta watch the show, study it, get a sense of the characters, how they relate to each other.


text:
Hey listen, the Tonight Show called me, they want me to come out and do the show on the 28th and they're giving me two free tickets to LA.


text:
So my acting technique, my personal acting technique is working with color, imagining color, then finding the emotional vibrational mood connected to the color.


text:
See, if you look through my scripts, you'll see that all my lines have a special color, so I don't memorize language, I memorize color.


text:
The boys played three sailors who find a baby, the baby's been kidnapped and the police think that they did it.


text:
Yeah, it was sad for a Three Stooges, what with the dead baby and the Stooges being executed and all.


text:
Uh, well, uh, you know I can't right now, you know, uh, I got a very big meeting, I got these people interested in my movie treatment.


text:
But within that basic framework there are many subtle variations, only discernable to an acute observer, that reflect the many moods, the many shades, the many sides of George Costanza.


text:
I mean, I may look weird, but I'm just like you, I'm just a regular guy just trying to make it in this business.


text:
You know, I'm not normally like this, usually I'm very cool and charming, I don't mean to bother you or anything but I think it's fate that you happened to be here at the same time as me.


text:
Hey George, did you see a piece of paper I had on the nightstand here, like crumpled up, like a napkin?


text:
'Cause I had like three jokes on it, they were all perfectly worded just the way I wanted to have it.


text:
Yes, I like to just be able to take the blankets and swish them and swirl them, you know what I mean?


text:
Excuse me, um, did you see a piece of paper on the nightstand here earlier today crumpled up like a napkin?


text:
I had like the perfect wording of a whole joke I was gonna do about the X-ray counter at the airport, I was gonna do it on the Tonight Show, now I can't remember it.


text:
So at this time, there's a lot of stuff going on in my life and, uh, it slips my mind for a few days.


text:
So she says something to me, like, uh, I dunno, get the hell out of here, and she breaks up with me.


text:
Law, just a few seconds ago, right here, right outside in the hallway this nut, some sick nut comes up to me and says he's supposed to watch this girl's cat while she's away out of town.


text:
Anyway he forgets to feed the cat, the cat dies, starves to death, he kills the cat, refuses to get her a new one, won't give her any money, won't pay her, and he wants Arnie Becker to represent him.


text:
It's funny, 'cause even after all these years, we still get people giving us advice, how to improve the show.


text:
Actually, a few moments ago I ran into a nut back there, he said, you know, that maybe we should think about, you know, not doing the show in a bar.


text:
So I'm going through the airport and I have to put my bag on that little uh, uh, the uh, that uh, the conveyor belt.


text:
I wanted a tuna fish sandwich, they wouldn't serve me tuna fish sandwich, because they were only serving breakfast.


text:
I'm sorry it was just a reflex...I know it's an emergency number...it is an emergency...my friend is being accused of being a smog strangler and I know he didn't do it...they're putting me trough to the detective in charge of the investigation...what is my name?


text:
All units in the area, code 3 in progress, 1648 North Bartholis, units required for assistance in apprehension of 702.


text:
I've got a lot of auditions, a lot of call backs and I've got a lot of interest for my movie treatment.


text:
Now you might beat the gas chamber Kramer, but as long as I have got a breath in my body you will never ever see the light of day again.


text:
Maybe it was one of your other personalities huh, the wise guy, the little kid, the bellhop, the ball player, maybe the door to door vacuum cleaner salesman, but not you right?


text:
Maybe your mother didn't love you enough, maybe the teacher didn't call on you in school when you had your little hand raised, maybe the pervert in the park had a present in his pants, huh?


text:
That I'm no better than a screenwriter driving a cab, a starlet turning tricks, a producer in a house he can't afford?


text:
Hey Kramer, I'm sorry about that whole fight we had about you having my apartment keys and everything.


text:
And basically, I just wanted to let you know that we've been discussing you at some of our meetings and we'd be very interested in doing something.


text:
I could see if I was a pharmacist because a pharmacist knows what's wrong with everybody that comes in.


text:
Because people like to say 'salsa.' 'Excuse me, do you have salsa?' 'We need more salsa.' 'Where is the salsa?


text:
(To Jerry, laughing about one of his bits) The bit, the bit I really liked what were the parakeet flew into the mirror.


text:
..Well, as I was saying, I would play myself, and, as a comedian, living in New York, I have a friend, a neighbor, and an ex-girlfriend, which is all true.


text:
Okay, uh, look, if you want to just keep on doing the same old thing, then maybe this idea is not for you.


text:
A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man.


text:
And so, uh I felt very uncomfortable with him and you know I just blurted out something about your party.


text:
When the cop stopped me, I told him that I was rushing home because my friend was about to commit suicide.


text:
Now, I-I don't know if they fell off the truck or if there was some sort of foul play but let me tell you something.


text:
I was in the middle of a game of Parcheesi with an old blind man and I excused myself to call my friend as he was very depressed lately because he never became a banker.


text:
You see, it'd been his lifelong dream to be a banker and he uh, just the day before he was turned down by another bank.


text:
An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved and to be a banker.


text:
Your Honor, I'm only trying to establish Mister Kramer's fragile emotional state, my entire case depends on it.


text:
Uh, well, my father when I was a kid, he took me to the bank and he lifted me up and he pointed to the teller and he said: 'Sonny boy, take a good look at him, that's gonna be you some day.'


text:
So George and I went up to NBC and we told them the idea for a series now we're just waiting to sign the contract.


text:
Ma, I know this may be hard for you to understand but I am sure there are many people who do not like me.


text:
You know about comedy, a little bit about relationships, some baseball, but you are so far out of your element here, you are embarrassing yourself.


text:
What do you think, they're up there going, hey maybe we should give those two guys, who have no experience and no idea, more money!?


text:
Okay, ... gidg gi gt  (backs up and bends his knees, holding the rolled magazine - arm back, ready for a rumble)


text:
When you ask someone about their relationship and they touch their face, you know it's not going too well.


text:
Good, going good (scratches chin) And the higher up on the face you go the worse the relationship is getting.


text:
He knows In relationships that I always try to find some reason to leave, and so, he says as my doctor, he can't allow me to do this, so he's not letting me leave.


text:
(runs to bathroom, his arms in the air -- he bangs them in to the top of the hallway door jam and falls into the bathroom)


text:
Many years (her voice cracks), um, (clears throat) we've been close friends and then recently something just you know *ehghh* happened.


text:
...and uh, she's very much in love with me, and uh, well uh, we would uh, appreciate it if you would cease and desist, and allow us to pursue our courtship unfettered.


text:
(listens) ...Well, I suppose I could, (turns away from Elaine) but I'd have to shift a few things around, uhm... Hold on for a second, will you?


text:
(broaching a subject) Hey uncle Leo, I hope I wasn't uh, rude to you that day I bumped into you on the street.


text:
Course, I wouldn't, I mean uh, the guy is uh, well obviously (to Cynthia, as she passes) the guy has his problems.


text:
Women carry with them a photograph of every person they've ever met, every day in their whole lives, since the beginning of time.


text:
You get stopped by a cop, no licence, no registration, (waves imaginary wallet) 'Here's fifty-six people that know me.' Cop goes.


text:
You know, and you're always kind of thrown off, (left hand up to side of face, pretending its a receiver) you go 'Oh, I eh, I - I didn't know you were there, I ah - just wanted to leave a message saying, sorry I missed you.'


text:
(con't) A-Anyway, I was thinking we would take two cars up to the cabin and that way if one of wanted to stay you know...


text:
Well, first of all Elmer Fudd is one of the most beloved internationally known cartoon characters of all time.


text:
Not only that, a juicer is one of the healthiest ways ... (Naomi exits) it makes the juice ... it extracts the-the pulp and-and-and the vitamins, for-for long life and-and-and vitality.


text:
-- I gave him one of these Cubans and he invites me up to play a free round ... then he says anytime I lay one of these babies on him it's going to be the same deal.


text:
Well, cause we were just saying we were going to ask you to come up to the country with us this weekend.


text:
Tomorrow is his birthday and it would mean so much to him if you could find it in your heart ta' pay him a visit and, just say hello.


text:
We make all these plans - this idiot goes a hundred miles an hour - the whole weekend's over - incredible - just like that -


text:
So then I drive all the way up to the country club and then I find out they got a tournament goin' on.


text:
(ranting)  I can't believe how a little thing like George going too fast - and my whole weekend is gone - the plans, the packing, ... everything.


text:
Hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu 'Ther - There is nothing finer than being in your diner.'?


text:
(Chuckles slightly) Well, you'll make quite an impression on him when you tell him how you burned his cabin down.


text:
He seems to not even notice Jerry) Listen, Elaine, is there any way I could get through to you directly?


text:
Well, you remember I told you about the pro, you know, at the Westchester Country Club, who's letting me play a round every time I give him a couple of those Cuban cigars?


text:
(Leaning over the couch, he addresses George) Hey, George, maybe you can ask Susan's father for more, huh?


text:
(Elaine now has her hand in a bowl of popcorn - grabbing a fistful) Listen, I - I just want to tell you, (Jerry sternly grabs Elaine's hand - forcing her to drop the popcorn, then shoves her hand away.


text:
Elaine sits back like a scolded child) There's been a terrible misunderstanding: See, I told Elaine that, uh, it was a real treat talking to you on the phone, and she thought I was being sarcastic, you know, 'cause I'm a comedian and all.


text:
She thought I meant (Deeply sarcastic) 'Yeah, it was a real treat talking to her on the phone.' (Back to normal) You know, but I was really being sincere..


text:
My mother was recuperating from Impetigo at the time, and dad thought it would be a good idea to get her out into the fresh air.


text:
Ross, bored out of her mind, has obviously heard this story a million times - she mouths the words as Mr.


text:
Ross says them) 'Cherish the cabin.' Not, uh, 'Take care of your sister.' (Adding) She's a paraplegic.


text:
S, uh, Superman - he, uh, built the fortress of solitude up at the North Pole, to, uh, you know, sort of get away from it all..


text:
Ross, if - if you look at the whole situating, what with it being your cigars, and everything, it's really rather ironic - one might even say, in a sense, comical..


text:
I mean, I'm looking at the hand, and I'm thinking, 'That hand should not be on my leg.' But I can't make my brain to get my mouth to say the words, 'Would you mind?!'


text:
(Scoots closer to George, to prevent others from hearing) and, uh, she starts with the dirty talking.


text:
George, so shocked by what he's just heard, accidentally squeezes the ketchup bottle - ketchup squirts out and files off-screen.


text:
(Changing subject as they both collect money to pay for the check) Hey, so, Susan's father took that news pretty hard, huh?


text:
We talked up a storm - and I concluded from the basis of these talks that this isn't anybody you should be talking to.


text:
(Jerry and George make odd faces as Susan is still concentrating on the notes) I love you madly, John.


text:
(Rushes toward George, grabbing the box away from him, then the letters from Susan's hands) My letters!


text:
(George shoots Jerry a smirk, then returns to his book) Alright, (Hand the check to Elaine) look, we gotta get back to work.


text:
She just bought me some new panties (Jerry pauses right before sitting in his chair) and they're - all laid out for me.


text:
No, wait a minute, wait a minute, that?s not fair, what about George, Susan and Elaine, what do you need me for?


text:
Listen, I got news for ya, its nice to be involved with somebody who?s interested in something other than nick at night.


text:
(shouting) Kramer what am I going to do did you hear that that guy's gonna put a kibosh on me he's crazy he's out of his mind....


text:
What the hell he's supposed to be on medication I don't understand he told me he's getting medication what happened to his medication!?


text:
What do you mean they're not going to do anything, they're the cops, they gotta do something, he just put the kibosh on me, do you know what the kibosh means, its a kibosh!


text:
I mean it's a terrible mistake, I mean he thinks I ruined some deal of his at NBC, I don't know anything about any deal at NBC.


text:
(into phone) Hello Joe, listen this is Jerry Seinfeld, I really think there?s been a huge colossal misunderstanding,


text:
and I feel if we can just talk about this we can straighten the whole thing out, so listen, so call me back.


text:
Oh, dammit, you know I just remembered I gotta go, I left something on, the gas, the lights, the water in the tub.


text:
Se, now that?s terrible, that is not a nice thing to do at all, I don?t know how this Paliachi thing turns out but you know I would assume that there is big big trouble for that clown


text:
So what?s the difference, I?m a comedian of the United States, and I?ll tell you I?m under just as much pressure.


text:
Alright, still her father didn't have to throw me out like that, he could have just asked me to leave.


text:
That?s not the issue, we're friends, if I?ve got to be uncomfortable, you've got to be uncomfortable too!


text:
All right, you guys listen, I've got to wait here for Elaine, I'll meet you in front of the theatre.


text:
Where's George and Kramer, I want to get inside already, I don't like standing out here, I feel very vulnerable.


text:
I got two, I got two huh, Paliachi, who needs two, Pagliacci, come on, the great tragic clown, come on, check it out, he laughs, he cries, he sings, Pagliacci.


text:
This is not a Metallica concert, it?s an opera alright, a little dignity, a little class, just give me my ticket, I will stand over here and sell it.


text:
Oh my god, he accused me of seeing someone else, he said tell me his name, he said tell me his name!!


text:
He'll think I?m the one who ruined his deal at NBC and took away his girl, he'll put a kibosh on me!


text:
You know Steven Holstman (?) did a production at Tunis last yeas and from what I understand, the Moslems really took to it.


text:
two hundred and fifty dollars, I?ve got people waiting for me, I've got to get the hell out of here.


text:
The hardest part about being a clown, it seems to me, would be that you're constantly referred to as a clown.


text:
'Who was that clown?', 'I'm not working with that clown, did you hire that clown?', 'The guy's a clown!'.


text:
How do you even start into being a clown, how do you know that you want to be a clown, I guess you get to a point where you're pants look so bad, it's actually easier to become a clown than having the proper alterations done.


text:
Because if you think about it, a clown, if there isn't a circus around them, is really just a very annoying person.


text:
(Singing) Camera, curtains, lights - This is it, we'll hit the heights - Oh what heights we'll hit - On with the show this is it!


text:
I had some friends drag me to an opera recently, you know how they've got those little opera glasses, you know, do you really need binoculars, I mean how big do these people have to get before you can spot 'em.


text:
These opera kids they're going two-fifty, two-eighty, three-twenty-five, they're wearing big white woolly vests, the women have like the breastplates, the bullet hats with the horn coming out.


text:
If you can't pick these people out, forget opera, think about optometry, maybe that?s more you're thing.


text:
But, you know, I was watching it on CNN, and they covered it so well I thought, 'Why knock my brains out?'


text:
Anyway, we met with NBC about a month ago and they gave us the green light to go ahead and write a pilot.


text:
I'm looking at a guy in a semi-daily with tampax in his house and an implied date on Saturday night.


text:
The first time in my life I have a good answer to the question, 'What do you do?' and I have a girlfriend.


text:
She's one of the executives at NBC that's gonna make the decision whether or not they pick up the show.


text:
What if I can find some way to break up with her so that she'll still like me and it doesn't affect the deal.


text:
So then, this woman, the one who sold me this hair thing, she grabbed it before the guy noticed, so.


text:
Now, here's the one thing you've gotta be ready for is how the man changes into a completely different person five seconds after it's over.


text:
Marla and I went out for coffee and afterwards I was crossing the street and he was biking right towards me.


text:
I can't believe we put it off until today and then we couldn't do anything because Elaine runs out to apologize to a virgin, crosses against a light, and knocks over a Chinese delivery boy.


text:
Have you ever been to a Chinese restaurant and they tell you it'll be, like, five minutes for a table and you wind up waitin' there for, like, thirty minutes?


text:
Well, we thought it would be very funny to do an entire show where all you're doin' is waitin' for the table.


text:
You know, you're waiting... and you're hungry... and you bump into somebody you know... When is Russell coming back?


text:
We have an idea where, uh, I get into an accident with a guy who has no insurance and the judge sentences him to be my butler.


text:
(Everyone laughs) You know he cooks for me, he has to cook for me... He cleans my house, he's doin' my shopping, you know?


text:
No, he said there was nothing he could do, and next time I should probably break the Prozacs in half.


text:
Yeah, since she met him she's been vomited on, her family cabin's been burned down, she learned her father's a homosexual, and she got fired from a high paying network job.


text:
(Not really wanting to embellish) ..I stopped by the house to drop the car off, and I went inside for a few minutes..


text:
(Jerry and Elaine look at each other - enjoying the story) My mother had a Glamour magazine, I started leafing through it..


text:
My God!' And it looked like she was gonna faint - she started clutching the wall, trying to hang onto it.


text:
(Noticing this makes him out to be the bad kid, he gets defensive) Well, I couldn't run over there the way I was!


text:
Well, obviously, we all know each other very well, (Elaine slightly laughs) I'm sure that we'll all feel comfortable within the confines of the honor system.


text:
Well, I got my troops amassed along the border - I'm just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.


text:
(Slowly stands up, and walks out Jerry's apartment - leaving Jerry and George with the view, he shuts the door behind him) 


text:
I go out for a quart of milk, I come home, and find my son treating his body like it was an amusement park!


text:
(Pointing, she directs Elaine's attention off-camera) See the guy with the dark hair and the red shorts?


text:
But I will tell you this: I am going over to (Gestures to the nudist) her apartment, and I'm tellin' her to put those shades down!


text:
(Jerry puts on his coat) This is a beautiful woman walking around naked, and you want to tell her to stop?!


text:
When we were boys, looking through our bedroom windows, we would think: 'Why can't there be a woman out there, taking her clothes off?' And now that wish's come true, and you want to (Makes a noise) throw it away?!


text:
So, listen, after the class was over, I timed my walk to the door so we'd get there at the exact same moment, and he says to me, (Thinking the world of what he said) 'Quite a workout.' 


text:
(Giddy and nearly out of breath) So we're walkin' and talkin', and he asked me my name - and I think I said Elaine - but, I mean, who the hell knows..


text:
And so then, he says to me: 'Do you wanna split a cab uptown?' And I said, 'Sure' - even though I was going downtown.


text:
(Deep breath) So, then, he says to me, 'Where do you live?' And I - and I - and I was close to your block, so I said your building.


text:
So he dropped me off in front, (Laughs) and I had to take a cab all the way back downtown to my house..


text:
Here, here, (Fishes a box of Tic-Tacs out of his coat pocket and tosses them to her) Have some Tic-Tacs.


text:
He also told me to tell you that he'll be in your neighborhood tomorrow around nine o' clock - so he's gonna stop in front of your building if you want to come down and say hello.


text:
(Trying to block out Kramer, he starts to sing along with the TV) The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round.


text:
(Sarcastic) Oh, yeah, that's right, well, you fell asleep one day on the sofa and I took them off your stinkin' feet.


text:
Yeah, but yesterday, he told Joyce, the aerobics teacher, that he wants to meet me outside here at nine o' clock tonight.


text:
Yeah, I think, you know, she was, like, crying, and he was consoling her, and then, she, uh, just got into his car, and they just drove away.


text:
Nothin' ever works: the window doesn't work, the radio doesn't work... and it smells like a cheap hooker... [pause] Or is that you?


text:
He's always bragging about his vertical leap, so I bet him fifty bucks that he couldn't touch the awning.


text:
He's wavin at it... So, I told him if he picks us up at the airport, he wouldn't have to pay me anything.


text:
[To Skycap] Excuse me, my friend and I here, we were having a discussion and we were wondering what you usually get for a tip.


text:
'Cuz a girl runs like a girl-- with the little steps and the arms flailing out... You wanna make this plane, you've gotta run like a man!


text:
Everything into JFK's booked... No, wait-- I have two seats into Laguardia-- but they're not together.


text:
I timed this out so we would pull up at the terminal *exactly* 17 minutes after their flight is supposed to land.


text:
That gives them just enough time to get off the plane, pick up their bags and be walking *out* of the terminal as we roll up.


text:
So, he says, ``squeeze your breasts together'', and I say, ``I thought this was an ad for shoes''...


text:
Coming out of the shower... It's a good thing they gave you that washcloth to cover yourself up... What is this an ad for?


text:
I hope this disgusting slob appreciates what I'm doing for him... [To passenger on the other side of her, but still to herself] Yeah, make a little more noise with your gum-- that's helpful.


text:
Listen, you go over to the ticket counter, I'm going to go stop in the gift shop and pick up a copy of Time magazine.


text:
When I lived on Third avenue and 18th street 20 years ago, I had this roommate who was *always* behind in his rent.


text:
Due to equipment problems at the runway at Laguardia, we've been instructed by the tower to re-route and land at JFK.


text:
Or, if you prefer something lighter, a poached Dover sole in a delicate white wine sauce with just a *hint* of saffron.


text:
I'm sorry to make you do this, but I got stuck in the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't let me get through.


text:
Please don't send me back there... [She notices another attendant offering goods] Oh, you got *cookies*!


text:
[She goes through the curtain to, ick, *coach*] Do you realise that the people up here are getting *cookies*!


text:
No, no no [Elaine enters, flossing teeth] Elaine what's the name of that friend of yours ... that's a therapist ... the woman.


text:
Um, ah, specifically the reason that I'm here, uh, I don't know uh what Elaine told you but uh I broke up with my girlfriend a couple of weeks ago.


text:
Actually she broke up with me [struggling with his coat zipper] and uh, well, I was the cause of it and uh, I just wanted to find out from you ... What's with this thing?


text:
You know your whole life you go through painstaking efforts to hide your nipple and then BOOM, suddenly hundreds of people get their own personal shot of it.


text:
He was in the fields all day with the cows, you know with the milk, examining the milk, delving into milk, consummed with milk.


text:
Pasteurization, Homogenization, She was in the kitchen killing cockroaches with a boot on each hand.


text:
Because I - I thought we had a good time the other night, an' the only explanation I can come up with is that you think that you caught me (flustered, he indicates a nose pick)


text:
(Kramer, misjudging one side of the couch, sits down uncomfortably) You're very lean, but muscular..


text:
(Elevator doors open) Each an' every one of them, who has to suffer the shame and humiliation because of people like you..


text:
She calls after him, still standing at the hallway) Because it is not me that has been exposed, but you!


text:
That Fountain of Youth scene at the end, where they're all splashin' around, and then they go running over to the mirror to see if it really worked?


text:
When Ponce looked in that mirror and saw that he hadn't changed, and that tear started to roll down his cheek?


text:
Kramer, Jerry is going to be here any second, and then this line is going to start moving, and we're going to end up in the front row.


text:
You know, men can sit through the most boring movie if there's even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off.


text:
I tell you what, you give me the twenty, and I will buy *you* a popcorn and soda, and I'll throw in a bon-bons.


text:
Why don't you give me the twenty, and I'll stop and get change, and then you and I can... uh... you-know, settle.


text:
If you see a guy that's five foot eleven, he's got uh a big head and flared nostrils, tell him his friend's going to be right back, okay?


text:
Oh, hey, listen, by the way, have you seen a tall... lanky... doofus, with a, with a bird-face and hair like the Bride of Frankenstein?


text:
Remember that guy who opened the restaurant across the street from the building last year and he wasn't doing so well and I told him he should make it into all Pakistani and that drove him right out of business?


text:
Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating;


text:
Hey listen, if you're gonna go out with this lawyer, why don't you have dinner with us and then maybe you can go to the auto show with her if you want, you know, have a little company, take the pressure off.


text:
The turbo quadramatic transmission offers you the power and prestige to propel you well into the 21st century.


text:
(as the others are repositioning the tables) No, no, you can't do that, they're round, it makes an 'eight' and, yeah, well alright.


text:
(interrupting) You know we should really order, the service is so slow here, by the time you get anything...


text:
Well, I ran out to apologize to a virgin and I crossed against the light and I knocked over the delivery boy.


text:
He thinks that if a woman sees a guy put on a better show, she'll walk out on his show, go see the other show.


text:
No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end.


text:
Well, you know, we were playing a game and, you know, I was pitching, and I was really throwing some smoke.


text:
A brouhaha breaks out between the guys in the camp, you know, and the old Yankee players, and as I'm trying to get Moose Skowron off of one of my teammates, you know, somebody pulls me from behind, you know, and I turned around and I popped him.


text:
Then Hank Bauer, you know, he's chasing me around, he trips over third base and knocks over Clete Boyer.


text:
Well, with so many people in the world deprived and unhappy, it doesn't seem like it would be fair to be cheerful.


text:
Well, Elaine here was picking up my mail while I was away, because you know that little box can get very full.


text:
So yesterday, after they took you away, I looked in my mail and I noticed that the mailman accidentally put your Visa renewal in my mail box.


text:
You see, I've been home for a week and Elaine didn't give me my mail until yesterday, even though I asked her repeatedly for it.


text:
I have a lawyer who knows someone in the Immigration Department, they're gonna straighten the whole thing out, the wheels are in motion, things are happening even as we speak!


text:
Well, the four of them, they picked me up by my pants and they threw me outside, right into a horse.


text:
It's gonna be too hard, I'll forget where everybody's standing, you, me, Kramer, the butler, it's too much.


text:
Well, that whole storyline about a guy who gets into a car accident, doesn't have any insurance, so the judge sentences him to be a butler?


text:
Let me tell you who did, uh, buy it...um we pitched this story to Russell Dalrymple, the president of NBC, and he ate it up with a spoon.


text:
George, if you're going to be in a creative field, you're going to have to learn how to deal with criticism.


text:
So, you send me to this therapist to help me with my emotional disorders, and she criticizes our script.


text:
So that someday, I might be able to walk up to a woman and say, 'Yes, I'm bald, but I'm still a good person.'


text:
Well, I saw her outside the Y, you know, she came up to me, she started yelling because I snubbed her, and then we started talking a little bit, and I walked her to her building.


text:
And just before I left, I put my arm around her waist, I pulled her to me, and I - mmm - I planted one!


text:
Well, you know, we were just talking, and uh she mentioned how you're buying your shoes now at Botticelli's.


text:
Awfully sorry to make you come up here, but I really wasn't feeling well enough to go back to the office, and well, it's the only chance I have to meet with you this week.


text:
Well, you didn't hear it from me, but needless to say, if you go in there - stick with the consumee.


text:
Now, I've read this thing three times...and everytime I read it...(looks nauseous, struggles not to vomit.)


text:
We're going to have to do this some other time, so if you'll give me your number, I'll call you later.


text:
(Jerry nudges George to sneak a peek at Molly's cleavage as she bends over and looks in her backpack.


text:
You were like you just put a quarter into one of those big metal things on top of the Empire State Building.


text:
She comes to my restaurant, comes right in my kitchen, and starts complaining that I'm talking about her shoes.


text:
Oh...uh, because if it had anything at all to do with what you perceived as me leering at your daughter, I really have to take issue with that.


text:
Because, if I'm looking straight ahead, and something enters my field of vision, that's merely a happenstance.


text:
(Gail nods and walks away.) Listen, Elaine, you know if Russell mentions anything about the pilot, you'll of course tell him how much you liked it...?


text:
You know, I happen to have the script right here with me and, uh...on page 3, for example, suppose the Elaine character comes in wearing a...a low-cut dress.


text:
I think what he's trying to say is, 'get the bouilla-base.' (George nods 'yes' and continues to choke.)


text:
I'm just calling to tell you that I'm not going to play up that angle we talked about and I'm sorry.


text:
Y'know there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on in somebody's house, the families go to war!


text:
'Although they maintain separate residences, the comedian and his long-time *companion* seem to be inseparable...' Oh no!


text:
'Within the confines of his fastidious bachelor *pad*, Seinfeld and Costanza bicker over the cleanliness of a piece of *fruit* like an old married couple--' *I told you that pear was washed*!


text:
I just wanted you to know that it took a lot of guts to come out the way you did, and that you've inspired me to do the same, even though that may mean a discharge from the service.


text:
Well, they say all it is is that you go over to their apartment and, I dunno, you take them for a walk and you get a cup of coffee and it's supposed to make them feel good.


text:
You were going *on* and *on* and *on* about how you wanted to meet somebody who didn't speak English.


text:
Yeah, so we thought if you had any of those big, y'know, old-fashioned useless records, y'know, just... lyin' around--


text:
Well, whattya got here, y'know, you got 'Don Ho: Live At Honolulu', you got 'Jerry Vale Sings Italian Love Songs' you got Sergio Mendes, now come on...


text:
I mean I keep thinkin' that that goiter's gonna start talkin' to me... You'd think they'd mention that before they send you over there: 'Oh, by the way, this woman *almost* has a second head'.


text:
Yeah, well, I'll tell ya, I'd rather talk to a goiter with a nice disposition than the nut they sent me to.


text:
Well you shoulda seen the pile of albums this old guy I was visiting today was throwing away: Sinatra, Duke Ellington, Al Jolson, Benny Goodman...


text:
No, y'know we took the old man's records over to Ron's and he tried to *screw* us so we got in a fight.


text:
(A woman walks by Jerry and Elaine.) Hi, how ya doin.' (Jerry jerks a thumb at the woman to confirm his talent.


text:
I don't hear very well out of this ear (points to her right ear) so, I always try to sit to the right of people.


text:
C'mon, c'mon...(stands up and physically rolls Betsy to the left side of the couch.) See, now, is that so bad?


text:
(George, on the couch behind Betsy, is impatiently waiting for her to get off the phone so he can continue putting the moves on her.


text:
You know, sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool.


text:
Yeah well, I can see that - you got five millions Moslems after you, you wanna stay in pretty good shape.


text:
The family's there...you're taking care of things...you're gettin' the sandwiches...you're the rock!


text:
You know, we'll tell them there's a death in my family, you buy the ticket, I'll split it...then I'll get the bonus miles and you'll get to Detroit for a quarter of the price!


text:
So anyway, we go out on one date, he asks me out for a second, then out of nowhere he cancels the date and says he doesn't want to see me again.


text:
Yes, all you have to do is pay the full fare now, then return to any one of our counters with a copy of the death certificate, and we'll refund half your fare.


text:
You want my friend to ask his uncle, a man who just lost his wife of 44 years, for a death certificate so that he can save a few bucks on a flight?


text:
I don't know, one minute you say they're fake, the next minute you think they're real...I don't know what to believe!


text:
If you were drowning and I threw you a life preserver, you think you could tell me if it was an inflatable?


text:
Alright, maybe it is, but listen, I gotta get ready - Sidra's coming over in a few minutes, so if you don't mind...


text:
Well, Dr, Allenwood, uh...I was hoping to compile an - admittedly, rudimentary - scrapbook of her life.


text:
Yeah, she was just showing me pictures of places I can visit when I go to Puerto Rico...you know, when you two went down there?


text:
Well, you see, what happened was...the doctor - the very same doctor that was attending to my late aunt - suffered an untimely stroke, and lost the use of his right hand, so...obviously I was unable to get the death certificate.


text:
Y'know when I was going to public school back in Brooklyn, every week I used to put fifty cents in the Lincoln Savings Bank.


text:
(clears throat) Could you, go into the room with me to visit him because ah, I don't want him to think that I'm, y'know... interested.


text:
Ah, Yeah Yeah, I have a - I have a question, um -- What do you know about inter-abdominal retractors?


text:
Well that report was about *one* very specific type of retractor and I can assure you we do not use that retractor in your friend's procedure.


text:
Mmm-hmm... (turns and walks away, makes a face, raises his eyebrows, nodding his head, then turns back to the group.)


text:
Uuuuuuuing yutyutyutyutn naannnaaa [makes saw noises while gesturing over Roy's chest] You'll see what's *inside* bone...


text:
Alright, just get yourself together... I dunno if I can be friends with you anymore after this display.


text:
Y'know I remember when I was a kid growin up, kids would make fun of my name like you wouldn't believe-- 'Jerry Jerry Dingleberry', and-hu 'Seinsmelled'...


text:
Oh No, wait a second... Wait a second... I-I don't know the name of this woman in the bathroom, so when she comes out, you introduce yourself and then she'll be forced to say her name.


text:
Y'know... I don't want to totally discount the emotional element in your recovery but, I think there were other factors at play here.


text:
I have no medical evidence to back me up but, something happened during the operation that staved off that infection.


text:
Oh, well, I really think I'm falling for you... [opens the playbill and flips five pages till he finds and reads autograph] .....Joseph Puglia...


text:
And only a seven year old kid could actually taste the difference between like a red M&M and a light brown, M&M.


text:
...And it *is* embarrassing, because a doggie bag means either you are out at a restaurant when you aren't hungry, or you've chosen the stupidest possible way to get dog food that there is.


text:
Lemme tell you something: if you're a guy and you ask for the doggie bag on a date, you might as well have them just wrap up your genitals too.


text:
I open the car door, like a *punch* in the *face*, the stench hits me-- it's almost as if it had *gained* strength throughout the night...


text:
Y'know I can think of at *least* six known offensive odours that I would *rather* smell than what's livin' in your car.


text:
He'll just trade away their best young prospects, just like he did with Beuner, McGee, Drabek... McGriff...


text:
I know... I was at the car wash this morning and the guy told me in his 38 years in the business, he's never smelled anything like it.


text:
Y'know, the funny thing is, somehow I find her more appealing now... It's like if I knew she was a lesbian when we went out, I never would've broken up with her.


text:
Listen, I gotta ask you: I was a little concerned that perhaps I was responsible in some way for your, uh... metamorphosis.


text:
We spray everything with Ozium-D, let it de-ionise, vacuum the spray out with a de-ionising machine.


text:
We top it off with one of our seven air-fresheners, in your case, I would recommend the Jasmine, or the Potpourri.


text:
I gotta be honest with you, I gotta tell ya... Ever since I saw you holding hands with that woman, I can't get you out of my mind.


text:
How about this, you put your car in the good spot, that'll hold the good spot in front of the good building, and we can get the good car!


text:
Some jerk parked in a handicap spot, so this woman in a wheelchair had to wheel up this incline, and half way up her batteries gave up, and she rolled backwards into the wall.


text:
The thing is, even if we go back by the car, and there's nobody there, how do we know they're not all hiding, waiting for us?


text:
What I don't get is, just because the battery is dead, you think she'd be able to roll up the hill with her hands!


text:
Must be one of those rich, spoiled handicapped people, who didn't want to do any work, and just wanted to sit in her wheelchair and take it easy.


text:
What if we all went by the car and started screaming: 'There he is, there's the guy that took the handicap spot!' And then, when they all run into the other direction, we'll jump in the car!


text:
(as George picks up a broken piece of his car) You know, a lot of these scratches will buff right out...


text:
They had swastikas all over it... They were hurling racial epiphates at us... I could have been killed!


text:
(To Elaine) Drake wants to know if we want to come out to Minneolis this afternoon, since we missed the partly last night, to maybe get something to eat?


text:
Well, I don't know if I'm happy for them, I mean I'm glad they're happy, but, frankly, that doesn't do anything for me.


text:
Well, you know I went to the hospital today, and I saw the woman, you know, and the wheelchair is totalled, we gotta get her another one!


text:
But some day, we're gonna be driving along, we're gonna look out the window, and see her crawling along 5th avenue!


text:
Not a scratch on it, it was owned by some lady who only used it to go from the bathroom to the kitchen and to feed her cat.


text:
When I see someone enjoying themselves like that, it reminds me why I got into this business in the first place.


text:
And I would also like to personally thank our gracious host Frank Costanza, who has earned the silver circle award and is our unanimous choice for the United Volunteer Representative of the Month!


text:
Between the car getting totalled, the towing charge and the fine, there's no way I can ever pay him back...


text:
To me, the whole concept of fear of success is proof that we are definitely scraping the bottom of the fear barrel.


text:
They'll go: 'Hi, my name is Bill, and the one thing I'm worried about is to have a stereo and a cream-colored couch.' According to most studies, people's number-one fear is public speaking.


text:
Now, this means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.


text:
Ever since that-- that day in the restaurant when we met... (we see a flashback from 'The Shoes' of Elaine showing her cleavage and asking Russell for his Ketchup secret)


text:
I mean maybe if you were in... I don't know... Greenpeace or something, that would be different, but network television... I mean, come on, Russell, you're part of the problem.


text:
(starts doing George at the first meeting with NBC in 'The Pitch') For example, what did you do today?


text:
I'm telling I'm scared that something terrible is gonna happen to me, right away you start looking for tumors?


text:
I told the unemployment office I was close to a job with Vandelay Industries and I gave them your phone number.


text:
I'm building... levels... with steps... completely carpeted... (making the gesture of carpeting steps) with pillows.


text:
(she doesn't listen and walks away) Aghh... You know ever since this new owner took over, the service here is *really* slow.


text:
You know that?' (Jerry gives him half of his sandwich to hopefully shut him up) I told you that God would never let me be successful.


text:
I was really percolating... So I decided to run home through the park and then these two guys they stopped me and...


text:
Paul, woman here claims there's a restaurant on the West side that's only hiring large-breasted women.


text:
George then walks up to Tom and takes him away from Jerry and Michael to talk to him in private)(to Tom) You see, you're going: 'They fooled *me* Jerry!' (George shakes his head with disapproval) You wanna hit 'fooled' more: 'They *fooled* me Jerry!'.


text:
George, still casual, taps on Jerry's shoulder) I don't have a lot of experience with this acting stuff.


text:
(looking at Tom in the back and then quieter to Jerry) So you think this guy playing Kramer took the raisins?


text:
I don't wanna talk to you, and I don't wanna hear anymore of your stupid little notes and suggestions.


text:
So if you got any other problems whether it's raisins, prunes, figs, or any other dried fruit, just keep it to yourself and stay out of my way, O.K.?


text:
The doc called and said the lab's backed up and now I'm not gonna get the results for another two days.


text:
Well my friend, (Jerry puts his hand on Kramer's shoulder) it may be time to consider the dreaded apparatus.


text:
I was just curious because it seems like a strange to do to walk into a room, audition, and to walk out with a box of raisins.


text:
How would you like it if I just pulled your heart out of your chest right now, and shoved it down your throat?


text:
Hey, pistol-packin mama, you swing that gal around, Allemande left with the old gray hag, around and around you go.


text:
You know I think when you name a baby Jeeves, you've pretty much mapped out his future, wouldn't you say?


text:
(she sees the two guys of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission at a table) Ah, these are the two guys I talked to at the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.


text:
(Jerry and George lean in to make their conversation a little more private) Well..... I've never really felt confident in uh..... one particular aspect.


text:
You know, you're going along, you think everything's all right and all of a sudden you get that tap.


text:
(Elaine is sitting there, jaw opened shaking her head yes) Well you know, if it's enough all ready and I just wanna get some sleep.


text:
Hey listen... umm, instead of the movie... uh, maybe we'll go back and uh you know...(nudges her head with his head)


text:
So... uh you feel okay about that whole thing... what we do in there... you're generally okay with everything in there?


text:
I-I just wanted to ask you a question: when we we're going out did you have orgasms?... Okay, thanks... No that's it... Ya, Okay, bye.


text:
(Elaine drops her bag, takes off her jacket and walks into Jerry's bedroom) Well, if we have to (un-tucks his shirt) we have to.


text:
(George gives Jerry an 'I told you so' look) Here, (Picks up a plate full of sandwiches) I made some bologna sandwiches.


text:
Uh, o... (Remembers something they could talk about) Jerry's going to be on the 'Today' show on Friday.


text:
Um, he's promoting a (pauses) benefit for Goodwill, you know, they, uh, they clothe the (clears her throat) poor, and the homeless..


text:
It - it's just that I'm here with my parents, and my mother wants me to take a civil service test - and to tell you the truth, I don't even think I'd pass it..


text:
You know, ever since you agreed to wear the puffy shirt on the Today show, she's been getting all these orders from boutiques and department stores..


text:
(She gets the scissors from the coffee table and hands them to George with the point facing him) Don't hand them to me with the point facing out!


text:
(Nudges George's arm, disrupting his work with the scissors) Oh, Georgie, would you like some Jell-O?


text:
Now, I have an important photo session in the morning - my hands have got to be in tip-top shape, so please - keep the television down, and the conversation to a minimum.


text:
overuse, that eventually the hand locked into a deformed position, and he was left with nothing but a claw.


text:
Towards the end, his hands became so frozen the was unable to manipulate utensils, (Visibly disgusted by this last part) and was dependent on Cub Scouts to feed him.


text:
On Tuesday the 19th here in New York there will be a benefit for the Goodwill Industries - a used clothing organization that provides services to the needy.


text:
(Attempting to get on another subject) Anyway, ah, you know, we're hoping to, um, raise enough money..


text:
I feel ridiculous in it, and I think it's the stupidest shirt I've ever seen, to be perfectly honest with you.


text:
(Reasoning) You know, if you talked this loud to begin with, I wouldn't be in this costume in the first place!


text:
(Hands it to Jerry) They told me I had the most beautiful hands they'd ever seen in their lives - except for this McKigney guy - this great looking girl gave me her phone number..


text:
(his voice is heard outside the building, on the street, and in the park were a bunch of pigeons are scared by the yelling)


text:
(While digging in his pocket for some money, he looks over the shirts one last time) You know, it's really not a bad looking shirt..


text:
(While looking at posters of women wearing glasses) I think these women would be pretty good looking if they weren't wearing glasses.


text:
You know, you should just go back to the optical store and ask Dwayne if he knows the name of the owner of the dog.


text:
You wouldn't even have any teeth if it wasn't for me taking you over to Joe's fruit stand and stuffin' cantaloupe down your throat!


text:
(While reading a book:) Oh oh, listen to this, this is not good, listen to these symptoms for rabies: anxiety, irritability.


text:
You know all you need is that little chain around your neck so you can wear 'em while you're playing Canasta.


text:
(George follows the man onto the street, dragging the blind man with him) Would you pick it up a little?


text:
I'm trying to track down that lady that was in here the other day, the one that was messing with my dog.


text:
Anyway, so then this guy comes up to me and starts feeling my jacket through his thumb and his forefinger like this.


text:
He says they are looking maybe to put somebody on so I got you an interview next Friday with his boss.


text:
I'm not saying go to the library and read the whole history, but it wouldn't kill you to know a little bit about it.


text:
You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I'm back in two seconds...you know about the uh cup sizes and all?


text:
Well, I mean if one of your close friends had a baby and I left you a message about it, I would use an exclamation point.


text:
Like the way I'm talking right now, I would put an exclamation points at the end of all these sentences!


text:
Well, I think I can say, barring some unforeseen incident, that you will have a very bright future here at E.D.


text:
I was just uh going over the Jake Jarmel book and I understand you worked with him very closely on this.


text:
And uh, anyway I was just reading your final edit and um, there seems to be an inordinate number of exclamation points.


text:
I see, (reads another excerpt) 'I pulled the lever on the machine, but the Clark bar didn't come out!' Exclamation point?


text:
Well, yeah, you know how frustrating that can be when you keep putting quarters and quarters in to machine and then (prrt) nothing comes out...


text:
Apparently if I had dissolved my relationship with him prior to his filing chapter eleven, I've could've got the money back.


text:
...And then baby's head comes out, and I'm screaming and my brother who's been videotaping the whole thing turns green, his eyes roll up in his head and he blacks out, he drops the camera, the camera breaks, and then, the placenta comes flying out.


text:
Ya know he was sleeping and then he woke up and he looked up at me an-and he made this horrible sound, this (Quells like a pig).


text:
It's going to cost more to fix that roof than the car's worth, So I'm going over to see that hospital administrator today.


text:
(Kramer shows Jerry and Elaine the paper) 'Hospital receives grant to conduct DNA research'..' Government funds genetic research at area hospital' ... Yeah, so?


text:
Just because a hospital studying DNA research doesn't mean they're creating a race of mutant pig-men!


text:
Oh, no, it's fascinating, but could you do me a favor, could ya tape the rest of the pig-men and the women who love them discussion and I'll listen to it the next time I'm here.


text:
(holds his nose up like a pig) You know a lot of people have a nose like this, they're not necessarily pig-men.


text:
Look (HE POINTS AT PASSERBY) Human, human, human... (HE LOOKS DOWN CORRIDOR, WITH ALARM.) (WITH MOCK ALARM) Wait a second!


text:
Now of course I can't help but feel that had it been a convertible this whole tragedy might have been averted but I've never been the kind of guy to buy a convertible, what with the baldness and everything.


text:
The damage, unfortunately, has marred an otherwise fine automobile, rendering it virtually undriveable.


text:
Sweedler, with all due discretion and sensitivity, and taking in the whole scope of the situation, I just can't help but think that, the hospital is somehow responsible for compensating the other, still living 'victim' of horrendous, horrendous tragedy.


text:
(TOUGH TALKING) Now listen to me you little quack, There was a half man, half pig in that room over there.


text:
You know what I mean - pork, sausage, (A LA PORKY PIG) A-deek-a-deek-a- deek th-th-th-that's all folks.


text:
Just cause we're on the softball team, I'm the pitcher, he's the catcher he thinks we have a special relationship?


text:
Anyway, we're here to perform the mitzvah of the bris... (The Baby starts crying) (WITH INCREASING TENSION) ...Is the baby gonna cry like that?


text:
Is that how the baby cries, with the loud, sustained, squealing cry, 'cause that could pose a problem.


text:
Do you have any control of your child 'cause this will be the time to exercise it when baby is crying in that high-pitched, squealing tone that can drive you insane!!!


text:
I'm dreading walking back to the subway, someone shouldn't crack me over the head and steal my bag, Because I'll be lying there and people will spit on me and empty my pockets.


text:
You got the whole table there to put the glass, why you chose the absolute edge, so half the glass is hanging off the table, you breath and that glass falls over, then you're gonna have broken glass on the carpet, embedded in the carpet fibers, deep, deep in the shag, broken glass, bits of broken glass that you never get out.


text:
Even on your hands and knees with a magnifying glass, you can't get all the pieces, and then you think you got it all and two years later, you're walkin' barefoot and you step on a piece of broken glass and you kill yourself, is that what you want?


text:
Coming up next, mens single, but for now let's stop a minute and take a look at our beautiful tennis center backdrop.


text:
I know your type thinking your too good for everyone, but it's women like you (woman turns around and notices him) oh well, what are you deaf?


text:
(She pushes Jerry, Jerry falls back into Kramer.) I just took a car service from work and to get the driver to not talk to me, I pretended I was going deaf.


text:
Why don't you get him some tickets or something, how about that friend of yours that works at the ticket agency.


text:
Hey you know a friend of mine from work said that she saw George at the tennis match on TV yesterday.


text:
Hello... Oh hi dad... You saw him?... Really with the ice cream?... All right I'll talk to you later, bye.


text:
(Puts nuts into his mouth, and in the process covers his mouth) We bring her to the party, and she can tell me what Gwen is saying about me.


text:
(Puts his arms in the air, stretching, and covers his mouth with an arm) Could you ask her, just ask her.


text:
He's then going to pick us up, then we're going to pick up Elaine, and Laura is going to meet us there.


text:
If we could just harness this power and use it for our own personal gain, there'd be no stopping us.


text:
You know the whole idea of taking the car service was so I wouldn't have to fight the traffic on Friday night.


text:
In fact, I'll even stay all the way on the other side of the room just so there's no chance of me overhearing anything.


text:
(George walks across the room over to them.) So you get rid of me and now the two of you are going to sleep together?


text:
Sometimes they come over, 'Do you want the check?' No I wanna be pen pals, can't you see what I'm doing here?


text:
Boy, it's hard to believe - with all that biting experience - a person could still make a mistake like that.


text:
(Jerry looks at her like 'where do you think?' Elaine and Jerry both go into the bathroom) Oh my god, I've gained seven pounds.


text:
Hey, I'll tell you what, Chubs, if that yogurt has fat in it, I will put myself on an all-yogurt diet for a week.


text:
You know, Lloyd, I-I've been to the doctor (hands George the card) there's really nothing they can do.


text:
(grabs the card back from Frank and hands it to George again) And, uh, I'll be very interested to hear the diagnosis.


text:
(Jerry half turns and puts his head done for a second) You know what he said to me five minutes ago?


text:
Ah, Mary, we've been eating a lot of your husband's uh yogurt at the yogurt place - does that have any fat in it?


text:
Well, as far as I know, he bumped his arm into a door and it's kind of got this in(pauses)voluntarily movement.


text:
One of my campaign themes would be that everybody should wear name tags all the time to make the city friendlier.


text:
What makes you think that I have time to see doctors, take X-rays, make appointments, when there's absolutely nothing wrong with me?


text:
Rudy Giuliani, who underwent a physical last week, received some startling news today, when his cholesterol count turned out to be a whopping 375.


text:
In another development, Mayor Dinkins has fired his top advisor, Lloyd Braun, who is believed to be responsible for the name tag fiasco.


text:
My campaign staff has received some very disturbing information regarding the fat content in yogurt that's being sold throughout the city.


text:
I pledge to you now, that if I'm elected mayor, as my first order of business I'll appoint a special task force to investigate this matter.


text:
I promise you, my fellow New Yorkers, that Mayor Giuliani will do everything possible to cleanse this city of this falsified non-fat yogurt.


text:
Giuliani's test tube causing his cholesterol count to be 150 points higher than was initially reported.


text:
Ironically, the mishap by bringing the non-fat yogurt scandal to the attention of the public, probably clinched the election for the Republican.


text:
'I want you to have this job, of course the Board of Directors is under indictment and will be serving time.' 


text:
Well, you'd be embarrassed and humiliated in front of a large group of people and have to walk out in shame with your tail between your legs.


text:
Okay, a thousand once, a thousand twice, a thousand three times, sold to the lucky lady in the third row.


text:
He's... I don't know, six foot three, 190 pounds, he likes, uh... fruit, and he just got uh, a haircut.


text:
What is was going to say was, now you are aware that our Board of Directors has been indicted, myself included, and we're prohibited from doing business until the investigation is completed.


text:
Boy, you know when Joel told me he hadn't thrown up in eight years, I was wondering if he was normal.


text:
He just happens to have the same name as one of the worst serial killers in the history of New-York.


text:
And he's a gentlemen, he's good looking, he's a good shaver and he hasn't thrown up in eigth years so just shut up about him!


text:
(we see a flashback from The Mango where Karen tells George that she feels full after a Risotto, as opposed to when she has sex with him) 


text:
Karen is laughing and she seems to be the only one to find him funny) So I go into this clothing store and the saleswoman is wearing this (whistling) low cut thing.


text:
George, George, instead of talking about this, we could be... you know... (she makes a move with her head like George did in 'The Mango' while saying: 'instead of the movie...') 


text:
I don't even know her sister but believe me, if she's getting traffic tickets, she's not that good-looking!


text:
(Kramer is talking much more slowly and smoother than usual) First she sets the mood perfectly with this new age music played over ocean sounds.


text:
(Jerry is obviously cutting much harder than the cheese needs it as he listens to Kramer) Every muscles she touches just... (long pause) ooo-zz-es.


text:
And then the game-winning field goal went over the net and into the crowd and I dove over three rows!


text:
Well, listen, I just want you to know that I was more than willing to stick it out with Joel Rifkin.


text:
He grabs her hands over his shoulders and he lies down on the table on his chest) Yeah, that's nice.


text:
You come up to my apartment with your table and your little oils, and I'm not supposed to expect anything?


text:
(he tries desperately to get her hands on his shoulders again but she pulls them away immediately) I'm getting out of here.


text:
But it's weird because they have the highest suicide rate, they're rubbing each other's necks all the time for a neutral country they seem kinda tense.


text:
It's like having chocolate rubbed all over your face, you know you wanna go 'Excuse me, I think you missed a spot.' 


text:
On this particular Tuesday (he swaps seats and sits beside Elaine) you could've watched six hours of Lucy.


text:
I think if you spent any time with me at all, you'd see I'm very sensitive to these matters as well.


text:
I don't remember the exact address... (he spots a mailman crouched emptying a box) Uh, excuse me, you must know where the Chinese restaurant is around here.


text:
Well, I'm doing a report on minorities in the media, and I wanted to use that interview with Al Roker.


text:
Well, a person that gives something and then they're dissatisfied and they wish they had, had never uh... 


text:
(entering, smoking a cigar and with a handful of cash) Listen uh, petty cash just had tens and twenties.


text:
'Where's TV Guide?' (mimes throwing) 'There it is.' You know in the back of the TV Guide, they have a phone number, ninety-five cents a minute, they will give you the answers to the TV Guide crossword puzzle?


text:
My question is, if you can't do the TV Guide crossword puzzle, where are you coming across ninety-five cents?


text:
(Reading words George wrote on his hand) 'Matthew, Luke, Paul', what you're cheating on your conversion chest?


text:
But you want to keep it private, because a medicine cabinet is a place that reveals our weaknesses and it can really throw off the balance between two people that might be going out.


text:
I would say from the rate we are pushing the whales off the beach back into the ocean the words shore and close do not appear to be in their vocabulary.


text:
I would say if the whales concentrate a little less on the singing and a little more on approaching Quervo beach volleyball tournament.


text:
(eating pop corn) hmm I love this artificial flavoring I like it better than butter I think it's more consistent 


text:
too bad they don't have those old ladies walking around with flashlights anymore we'd flush her out 


text:
yeah, well I just hope I run into her again ok, cause I will never forget that flinty voice, it is tattooed in my brain if I hear it, watch out So listen what happened with Jane last night?


text:
Kramer's Andre, he's fooling around with these 976 numbers (Kramer walks out of the bedroom) hey I told you, I don't want you doing that on my phone 


text:
Jerry, I'm telling you, this phone sex thing is hilarious, like this woman Erika, here look (showing the ad in the newspaper).


text:
I know, I just can't bring myself to do it meanwhile that freezer keeps getting smaller and smaller (she smiles) (Elaine looks at her watch) oh, don't wanna keep Tony waiting 


text:
wow, that is too much hey..huh hey (George turns the cap his wearing backwards like Tony) Tony, I huh, I just had this brainstorm for us.


text:
I told you already it's very boring you know I think I got a little too much garlic, can I have a piece of gum 


text:
she puts like four pieces in her mouth, it's ridiculous, I don't think we're gonna be able to get together on Saturday night 


text:
if you hadn't come, this whole thing wouldn't have happen (back on Jerry and Elaine's side, we can hear George saying 'I was the one who was invited', Jerry opens the door) 


text:
I really don't remember, I was kinda out of it for the 1st couple of days, I was on a lot of medication, it was kinda like haze, it was pretty cool 


text:
here Elaine here, Superman (hands a comic book to Elaine, who passes it to Tony) please, next time it will only be the two of us 


text:
You know it's a shame Tony got all banged up, we're not gonna be able to get together on Saturday night 


text:
(very quickly) oh I don't think so, no we never met, I never talked to you before on the phone, alright I'll see you later buddy 


text:
yeah I mean, I mean what is my obligation here, you know we were just dating, it was probably gonna be over in a couple of weeks anyway 


text:
but he's my mimbo, you know and even if he is a hideous freak maybe, maybe I can learn to love him, maybe in some final irony (Jerry is looking the other way), I'll learn what love really is.


text:
You jump out of a plane from twenty thousand feet in the air the chute doesn't open I got news for you, the helmet is now wearing you for protection.


text:
Later on the helmet's talking to the other helmets going 'boy it's a good thing he was there or I would have hit the ground directly.' 


text:
So you're telling me instead of them being happy to see me, they're going to be upset because I didn't bring anything.


text:
I tell you George, I don't think we want to walk in there and put a big plastic jug of Pepsi in the middle of the table.


text:
I just don't like the idea that any time there's a dinner invitation there's this annoying little chore that goes along with it.


text:
People be coming up to me, 'just between you and me I'm really excited about the Ring Dings and the Pepsi.


text:
But listen let me tell you something as soon as I get there I'm going to tell everyone what a jerk you are.


text:
Uhm, see the key to eating a Black and White cookie, Elaine, is you want to get some black and some white in each bite.


text:
(reading from the Penthouse Forum) 'I know this is going to sound like a crazy fantasy but every word of this story is true...' (exits to street) ' A few weeks ago my girlfriend happened to mention to me how attractive she thought our new neighbor Linda was...'


text:
And I-I just kept running (In the background -- CLERK'S VOICE: 57) and they found me like three hours later collapsed at a construction site.


text:
I was once late cause I bought a Panama hat -- she grabbed it by the brim, pulled it down so hard my head came right through the top of it.


text:
Oh, no no no -- We bought the wine here before, but now, you know we're bl-blocked in by some car double parked and we're just waiting for the guy to pull out.


text:
Hey ya know I read an unbelievable thing about Tolstoy the other day, did you know the original title for 'War and Peace' was 'War--What Is It Good For?'!


text:
No, no... I'm not kidding Elaine it's true, his mistress didn't like the title and insisted that he change it to 'War and Peace'!


text:
Listen to this: Jerry Seinfeld has appeared on 'David Letterman' and the 'Tonight Show' and he did a pilot for NBC called 'Jerry' ...that was not picked up.


text:
All right... (slaps the magazine down on the counter) this is too much fun, I gotta get back to work.


text:
Oh, here, wait wait (walks a few steps to catch up to her as she stops) Ah, maybe you could ah, use this (he searches through his jacket) Ah, here, it's a electronic organizer...


text:
These marine biologists were showin' how they communicate with each other with these squeaks and squeals, what a fish!


text:
(once again, overly excited) Now are you just sayin' you want to have fun or do you reallllly want to have fun?!


text:
Now picture this.... we find a nice sweet spot between the dunes, we take out our drivers, we tee up and (he makes a golf stroke), that ball goes sailing up into the sky holds there for a moment and then....... ..... gulp!


text:
(he hits a few keys and looks over at her) Cash advance... yes (hits a key) ... no (he looks over again) balance inquiry... no (he looks again) receipt.... no (he looks again) processing... processing... (He opens the box, pulls out his money and then looks at the woman and says) I won!


text:
(pauses for a few seconds) ...OK, I'm tellin' you right now - if your kiddin' around I'm not gonna be able to be your friend anymore.


text:
Cause if this is a lie, if this is a joke, if this is your idea of some cute little game... we're finished!


text:
I don't know what else I could tell ya, ah, Oh I-I just got back from a trip to the Galapagos Islands, I was living with the turtles.


text:
We have got you in a very nice hotel, I-I don't know how you like to work, but ah, I can arrange for an office if you like.


text:
Although one wonders if 'War and Peace' would has been as highly acclaimed as it was, had it was published under it's original title 'War---What Is It Good For?'


text:
(to George and Kramer) Hey listen to this, some woman found an electronic organizer, my name was in it, she wants me to help her track down the owner.


text:
So I am walkin' along, minding my own business when all off the sudden this thing comes flying out of nowhere and clonks me right on the head.


text:
Then of course with evolution, the octopus lost the nostrils and took on the more familiar look that we know today.


text:
Testikov um, do you remember the other day when we were in the limo and ah, my organizer started making noise and you threw it out the window?


text:
I-I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things but I tell you Jerry at that moment ... I was a Marine Biologist!


text:
I said, 'Easy big fella!' And then, as I watched him struggling I realized, that something was obstructing its' breathing.


text:
Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed like a cork and I found myself right on top of him, (ELAINE: gasps quietly Ahhhh) face to face with the blow-hole.


text:
I-I, I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but, I knew something was there... so I reached my hand in, felt around and pulled out the obstruction!


text:
It's like they chopped off your arms and legs, dipped you in plastic, and screwed you back all together again, and stuck you on a pedestal.


text:
Because let me tell you something, if anobody should be rolling their eyes, it is me at him about you.


text:
(looking at her name tag) Listen Natasha... I wouldn't be caught dead wearing your crummy little euro-trash rags.


text:
(goes in, take off his jacket, walks to the guy and talks to him with an european accent) Can I help you?


text:
(to the saleswoman) You know honey for an unadvertised sale, you're doing a lot of yapping about it.


text:
But I'll tell you when he came out of that bathroom and he was kneading that dough, it was a wild scene.


text:
The figure eight, strummin' the ol' banjo, and this wild, savage free-for-all where anything can happen.


text:
My office is out of control, (George's pants are making noise) phones ringing, people running in and out.


text:
I just got a letter from a friend of mine in Chicago who was shopping, and she said she saw a mannequin that looked just like me.


text:
I went by the hospital to see him a few days ago (looking at Jerry) think he'd really like you to come visit.


text:
Ya and also I'm afraid that people in that state are finally going to tell me what they really think of me.


text:
We're stand-ins for the actors on 'All My Children.' Mickey, he's a stand-in for an eight year old kid and I stand in for the kids father.


text:
I can do four-two, four-three is a stretch, any higher than that and I'm gonna be out on my ass doing that para-legal crap.


text:
(Fulton looks at him not amused) You know because Leningrad when the Nazis attacked, it wasn't a very happy time... because of the war, famine, plus it was cold, very cold... they were eating each other.


text:
Ya, he said you could never make a commitment to any one and you'd just wind up (reaches out and lightly slaps George's hand) hurting me.


text:
I mean sure, there may have been one or two occasions in the past, when I may have reacted in uh impulsive or somewhat immature manner, but those days are well behind me.


text:
(trying to act like the guy playing the Father) I'm not really going away, I told you I'd be back every other weekend.


text:
So we uh he uh picks up the two pieces of (wipes his brow) pizza and uh the uh and then they're steaming hot and they're burning his hands see so he... he's juggling em (does juggling motions) he's jugglin em, jus throwing them up in the air and just as he gets up to her down they go.


text:
When my friend Len Nicodemo had the gout, I moved into his hospital room for three days, the doctors were amazed at his recovery.


text:
We could sleep late, and get the paper and half breakfast and spend the morning together, go for a long walk, maybe do a little shopping, have lunch...


text:
actually I'm planning on spending the day with my father tomorrow (short laugh) we're uh we're going to a father-son picnic, just the two of us.


text:
Well Dad's been planning this for such a long time, he bought a new blanket, and he got tha...that game with foam paddles and the velcro ball.


text:
(Phil cracking up) So then Packyderm picks up the pieces of pizza, and mind you know they are burning hot..


text:
I mean he's like trying to juggle (does a juggling motion and begins laughing) the pizza, you know ah.


text:
I'll tell you what, I'll do my act (pauses for response from Adrian) No new material (Elaine enters) He's never heard it.


text:
So you were talking, (Elaine makes an agreement sound 'mmm') you're having pleasant conversation, (Elaine makes an agreement sound 'mmm') then all of sudden...


text:
The other day after work some girlfriends and I went to a bar for some drinks and there was this crazy mishap and I wound up meeting someone as a result.


text:
(Goes into his room, and comes back out with the jacket on.) Ahh, haven't worn this one in a long time.


text:
(They go out into the hallway and run into Kramer and his African-American girlfriend, Anna.) Hey, how ya doin.'


text:
Well, see here, the chain is broken...it must have slipped in when I was, uh...(gestures at the racks of clothes behind him.)


text:
C'mere, I'm so nuts about you...(hugs Meryl.) I tell ya, it was fun being single, but when you meet a woman like this, you don't walk to get married - you run!


text:
Plus, I love saying 'my wife.' Once I started saying it, I couldn't stop - 'my wife' this, 'my wife' that...it's an amazing way to begin a sentence.


text:
(thinking) Okay, he open-lips me, he dreams about me, we have an olive project...that's it, I'm asking this guy out.


text:
You tell me there's a can opener in the drawer, I'm looking in the drawer, there's no can opener - what other conclusion could one reach?


text:
(Kramer lurches into the kitchen, trips, and falls onto the kitchen floor.) I'll get it, I'll get it!


text:
Could it be because you don't want him to know that you have a friend who pees in the shower, is that it?!


text:
(George and Elaine give each other a look, then leave Jerry to argue with Meryl on the phone.) Whenever.


text:
He's a very good friend of mine, he's kind've like an older brother to me...when things don't go right, he kinda takes it personally.


text:
Now you go up to him and you tell him that if he's thinking of turning me in, that I got the goods on him!


text:
Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it a violation of club policy to not wipe down a machine after using it?


text:
(Joey was about to talk) Hey listen, I was wondering if either one of you guys would be interested in doing some work for the Big Brother program?


text:
(grabs Joey to stop him) Ya alright Joey that's enough, let's go (walking over to the counter) See ya.


text:
Ya it used to be right in the middle of single Jeopardy and now they do it right after single Jeopardy.


text:
Hey, I gotta stop off at the bookstore to pick up my parents one of those French-English dictionaries.


text:
So when you get to Paris (handing Morty the postcards) all you have to do is drop 'em in any mailbox.


text:
My father has a ton of old clothes just sitting up in the attic, y-you think they're worth something?


text:
(grabbing his jacket) Hey oo, I just remembered uh my parents really wanna have you guys over for dinner before you leave town.


text:
(looking at Morty) Uh oh I don't think we think we can make it tonight, (turns toward George) we have plans.


text:
No I notice but they're from your age group I didn't know you could detect abnormal behavior among your own kind.


text:
Oh you must be Kramer (advances on Kramer to close to his face Kramer walks back into the fridge to avoid him and falls to the ground) I've heard about you.


text:
Uhuh, um you didn't feel uncomfortable spending the whole day at the museum with two complete strangers who were more than twice your age?


text:
(Jerry smiling points to himself and nods with cards in his hands) So I took out my belt just to threaten him, and I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror.


text:
I guess I've been hanging on to them for so long cuz i couldn't accept the fact that Dad was really gone forever (hugs a piece of clothing)


text:
Uh, I'm just selling some of Dad's things, (looking into Kramer's eyes) that's what he would have wanted.


text:
They were busy with their (doing a little dance to make the plans seem all that important) big plans!


text:
(Jerry smilies) Eh you know Alec wants me to take him over there so I figure as long as they're going (claps)


text:
So you thought as long as they're mailing postcards, it wouldn't be too much to ask my parents to drag a child who they've never seen, through the streets of Paris?


text:
Well first we're going to a matin&eacute;e, I'm taking the afternoon off, we're gonna go see 'My Fair Lady' and they we are gonna go to dinner.


text:
singing) I could have danced all night (entering with Helen) I could have danced all night and still have


text:
(George puts his arms out and imitates Estelle as she moves her arms up and down as she speaks) I want to know what we did them!


text:
(in the threshold between the living room and the kitchen) The thing that bothers me the most, is the lying.


text:
All you gotta do it jiggle it (has is hand out jiggling) jus get it in there (jiggling making a bunch of noises) jigg jigg jiggle reiggle


text:
But don't you think it's odd, that a thirty-five year old man is going to these lengths to see that someone else's parents are enjoying themselves?


text:
See, See, I can't even say anything you know because all he's really doing is being nice but but know body is this nice, this is like certifiably nice.


text:
Hi (takes off his coat and puts it on the counter at which point his parents are both right by him as he goes into the refrigerator.


text:
We hadn't been alone together in a long time and we just kinda started up a little during the coming attractions and the next thing we knew, the war was over.


text:
W-well it was ten dollars cheaper in the afternoon than the morning, I figured what the hell's the difference.


text:
(still outside) Helowwwowwow (Estelle opens the door) Hey (kisses Estelle hello) Ha ha, Good evening (George waves)


text:
Say Dad, (pointing at a raincoat sitting on the carousel next to an open box) isn't that one of yours?


text:
(Kramer, Morty and Jerry are looking around grabbing raincoats which are scattered all over the place.) Kramer you missed a couple.


text:
The most important thing Joey, is to be able to look yourself in the mirror before you go to sleep at night.


text:
(turning toward her) No, I could've called the travel agency, got them on another flight to Paris, I coulda got them out.


text:
(Jerry and Elaine look at each other like he's crazy) Water, they need some water (turns around and runs to the Flight Agent)


text:
You should be ashamed of yourself, I for one will not allow my daughter to be involved with someone of such weak moral fiber.


text:
So my parents get home, they open the door, my father flicks the light on, the whole place is cleaned out, everything.


text:
Hey, how about if the book came with these little fold-out legs...so the book itself becomes a coffee table?


text:
Elaine, listen, tell me if you think this is funny - (reads comedy he's written) 'Men definitely hit the remote more than women...men don't care what's on TV, men only care what else is on TV.


text:
Women want to see what the show is before they change the channel, because men hunt and women nest.'


text:
Well, I don't know, don't ask me any more questions about jokes, Jerry, it just puts too much pressure on me.


text:
You know, when I was a kid, we didn't have these elaborate birthday parties w-with catered food and entertainment.


text:
Oh yeah, we don't want some jerk sitting in front of us, it'll be like, 'Hey, big head, can you move out of the way?


text:
(walks to the kitchen) Hey everybody, I think I smell some smoke back here...(smoke boils into the doorway.) FIRE!


text:
You know, like all the comedians always say, 'How would you like it if I came to where you work and heckled you?'


text:
Well, after he heckled Toby, she got so upset, she ran out of the building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky toe.


text:
Well, I knew any delay is gonna cost her her pinky toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him.


text:
He says, 'Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?' I said, 'Well, I got a little prize for ya, buddy - ' (Kramer throws two quick punches and a massive uppercut) - knocked him out cold!


text:
Then everybody is screamin,' because the driver, he's passed out from all the commotion...the bus is out of control!


text:
So, I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel and now I'm drivin' the bus.


text:
Then I managed to open up the door, and I kicked him out the door you know with my foot, you know - at the next stop.


text:
She said her first order of business is to put my coffee table book into the bookstores as soon as possible.


text:
I went down to the magazine, I pleaded with him to come and see me again, finally he agreed to come down tonight, and he's going to write another article.


text:
(Ronnie holds up his water gun and smiles.) Oh, hi...I didn't recognize you, what...did you get a haircut?


text:
Oh, isn't that weird that George and Jane haven't had sex yet, but they're spending a weekend together?


text:
Her father is so religious, I'm just amazed that he's letting you see her again after that Schindler's List make-out session.


text:
(To Jane) You know, when I was a kid, I once found a dollar and fifty cents in change on the bottom of the pool.


text:
Feffa, I , I was surprised to hear you use a word like breathtaking to describe a baby, I mean, because you also used it referring to me.


text:
*I* think that *you* think that a certain *something* is not all that it could be, when in fact it is is all that it *should* be, and *more*!


text:
Yeah, well, I couldn't stop thinking about how everyone was enjoying the lobster so much an' well I thought I little taste wouldn't hurt, huh?


text:
I'm sorry to bother you, but we're trying to track down a lobster poacher that uh cleaned out on of the traps.


text:
(Elaine turns showing disagreement) Oh, maybe not academically speaking, (Elaine nods correct) I was perceptive.


text:
It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong.


text:
Every instinct I have, in every of aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat ... It's all been wrong.


text:
You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, 'cuz salmon swim against the current, (hand motion of the salmon swimming against the current) and the tuna swim with it.


text:
Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women.


text:
I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something!


text:
So, then, you know, the light was clearly green, I started walking, he skidded and he went right into my hip.


text:
Have you always had an interest in coffee tables, because, really, I-I love coffee tables, and I-I thought I was the only one.


text:
like yesterday I lost a job, and then I got another one, and then I missed a TV show, and later on they re-ran it.


text:
You know, things were going so good for me, you know, I got the job promotion, we were talking about moving in together -


text:
This has been the dream of my life ever since I was a child, and it's all happening because I'm completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good judgment I have had.


text:
The reason I asked you in here, is I-I caught your appearance on uh 'Regis and Kathy Lee' the other day and -


text:
An-Anyway, the thinking here is that it would be best i-if you uh didn't do any more of these shows.


text:
Ah ... my last job was in publishing ... I uh got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman.


text:
Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization.


text:
In the past twenty years you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego!


text:
Ah, it's my ex-roommate, she moved out four years ago, I-I've been sub-letting my apartment from her.


text:
Well, apparently, the week after that, you buzzed up some Jehova's Witnesses and they couldn't get them out of the building.


text:
And I'm moving out of my parents' house, I'm taking that apartment on 86th street, remember the one we saw?


text:
Was that the ... opposite ... of what you were going to say, or was that just your natural instinct?


text:
Everything'll even out, see, I have two friends, you were up, (has his one hand up and his other hand down) he was down.


text:
(Sits down, says to waitress :) Oh, I'll have the chicken salad on rye, my usual, you know what I get, darlin'.


text:
(Turns to the Gang) So, let's see, I had a little conversation today with Mr Don Mattingly - (to Elaine) he's the first base man.


text:
We talked about his new batting stance, you know, I'm not crazy about it, but I said , 'Donny, go with it 'till it stops workin'.' Donny baseball.


text:
Your attention please...the New York Yankees would like to welcome Miss Connecticut, Miss Rhode Island and Miss North Dakota, all of whom will be competing in the Miss America pageant this weekend in Atlantic City.


text:
(The three contestants make their way to their seats, right across the aisle from Jerry and Elaine.)


text:
And get this - I'm working in Atlantic City this weekend, and she's going to be down there for the pageant.


text:
(Elaine, sipping soda through a straw, looks up with a sour expression on her face.) Even the brown eyes.


text:
Listen, Buck, I uh...obviously I don't need to talk to you about the importance of player morale, but uh...I've been talking to some of the guys, and some of them - I don't want to mention any names - but some of them...they're not too happy with the polyester uniforms.


text:
Listen...tonight, after we finish eating, you make like you got something else to do and just 'recede into the night,' if you know what I mean.


text:
Look, if you think I'm just going to step aside and do nothing while you defile this woman, you're crazy.


text:
And I'm not going to let you trample that dream and make a mockery of everything the pageant stands for.


text:
Now, if you want to go out and have some good, wholesome fun with a nice girl, I'd be glad to help you out...if you're looking for something more than that, you've got the wrong guy, buddy!


text:
Finally we can breathe.' Luis Palonia: 'Cotton is king.' Paul O'Neill: 'I never dreamed anything could be so soft and fluffy.' '


text:
Kramer walks across the room like a Miss America contestant with a big smile on his face.) Turn, back, head up, shoulders back...posture.


text:
was on the brink of a nuclear war, and the only way the conflict could be averted was if you agreed to sleep with the enemy's leader, what would you do?


text:
They like it outside, so I kept them in a cage on the terrace...then I found them dead in a pool of water!


text:
Oh, it was just Kramer...apparently I killed Miss Rhode Island's doves with a bucket of water last night.


text:
Former baseball start Steve Genderson, has been taken to Police headquarters for questioning the murder of Bobby Pinkus the owner of Royal Dry Cleaners at 2759 Amsterdam Avenue.


text:
According to Pinkus' wife, Gendeson had been involved in a dispute with the cleaner about a stain on a pair of gray Sans-A-Belt slacks.


text:
We also have a report that earlier in the day a groundskeeper at Vancourtland's Golf Course saw an irate Gendeson leaving the clubhouse in a huff.


text:
It isn't and the most distressing part of it is, not that she went out with him but that HE stopped seeing her.


text:
Oh, well then I better get going otherwise George will make me buy him lunch to make up for that big salad he bought me yesterday.


text:
Listen to this, 'If a player cleans his ball during the play of a hole accept on the putting green he shall incur a penalty of one stroke.


text:
Oh yeah, he said he brought a pair of pants into Pinkus' and they came back stained with some kind of dry cleaning fluid.


text:
Well, when I came over to the table she mentioned something about how she better hurry up and leave or you'd make her buy lunch to make up for the one you bought yesterday.


text:
Well, my question is, How could Elaine be under the impression that you bought the big salad, when I was the one who handed it to her?


text:
Are you suggesting that I went out of my way to tell Elaine that even though you handed her the big salad, that it came from me?


text:
AND WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IS, HOW DOES A PERSON WHO HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BIG SALAD CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY FOR THAT SALAD AND ACCEPT THE THANK YOU UNDER FALSE PRETENSES - AH - AH?


text:
The police have cleared the highway traffic in front of him but they are keeping their distance and don't want the situation to escalate.


text:
Yeah, in fact she said that you could be one of those people that sits in the back and answers the phone.


text:
(unwrapping a candy bar, placing it on a plate and cutting it with knife and fork) I'm sure it won't, but someone was crying and I want to know who it was.


text:
Pitt eating the candy bar with knife and fork and becoming distracted) You know, hitting on him and so I called her to see what was, uh, going on and I accidentally got her boyfriend, who is this, you know--


text:
I'm Jerry Seinfeld, I tell jokes for a living, but there's no joking about the financial crisis at PBS.


text:
You signed your name and you addressed the envelope, it's not like you painted the picture and wrote the poem.


text:
Well, I'm doing the PBS show, so during the show they're gonna be running the Ken Burns baseball thing.


text:
I'm not gonna waste any of the players' time with that, besides the team already does so much promotion for channel eleven.


text:
Forgive me for trying to class up this place, for trying to have the Yankees reach another strata of society that might not watch channel eleven.


text:
Your Nana is missing because she's been passing those bum checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people.


text:
Before Stonewall about those dark ages when you couldn't come out of the closet, lest you be persecuted because of your, you know.


text:
I'm Jerry Seinfeld, I tell jokes for a living, but there's no joking about the financial crisis here at PBS.


text:
If I like their race, how can that be racist?... Hellooo??... Oh, is this Donna Chang again?!... Yyy-yes, I am calling George... Oh, the lines are crossed!


text:
Yeah, but then I'd have to... (glances at Elaine) well, you know... into a cup in the middle of the day??


text:
Huh... Cape... (turns, distracted, heads slowly towards door) What was a man with a cape doin' with my father?... What was my father doing with a man in a cape?... (opens door) Why a cape?


text:
So, I'm gonna... (a little later, Elaine is sitting and looking very bored) Yeah, I took 20% too... Um.


text:
Well, you know if Paul thought it was some guy... hangin' up because he was having an affair with Noreen?


text:
And you can't cast aspersions on someone just because they're wearin' a cape... Superman wore a cape... An' I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here an' let you say something bad about him.


text:
I'm freee, I'm unfettered... (opens door to leave, still very happy, then) Feel like a naked innocent boy rrroamin' the countryside!!


text:
Believe it or not, Paul was convinced I was having an affair because somebody kept calling and hanging up whenever he answered!


text:
I mean, maybe it was somebody who, didn't wanna talk to whoever was answering because whoever was answering was always making boring chit-chat, an' was completely oblivious to the fact that the person who was calling, didn't want to speak to them, ah!


text:
If I have this much influence over her, why don't I just call her an' tell her to get back together with him--that's aalll!


text:
Well, she was trying to call George last night, she got me, we spoke for an hour and she changed her mind!!!


text:
An' I was appalled to learn of the destructive influence you've had over her life, lo these many years...


text:
I've encouraged her to go back into the Army...(Noreen sighs a little) There she'll get the structure an' the discipline she needs right now... And she'll have qualified officers telling her what to do...


text:
We give you the dough, the sauce, the cheese...you pound it, slap it, you flip it up into the air...you put your toppings on and you slide it into the oven!


text:
Excuse me, I was wondering if would it be possible if you could deliver the old couch to my apartment?


text:
'Breakfast At Tiffany's.' (Begins to read, but gradually his attention is drawn to the TV Guide on the end table.


text:
George realizes there's a show on he wants to see by looking at his watch, and doesn't start the book.)


text:
My mother...was taken from my house by the Communists in the middle of the night when I was ten years old.


text:
Finally, they released her and she was on a boat to America to re-unite with us...but she was served some bad fish, and she died...on the high seas.


text:
Anyway, Jerry and Elaine felt very badly about what happened to you, and they wanted you to have this.


text:
Well, you should probably ask, because if he's gonna be coming over with those Paccino's pizzas...could be trouble.


text:
Uh, yes, uh...you don't know me, my name is George Costanza...did you happen to rent Breakfast At Tiffany's?


text:
(Poppie moves to the sofa and sits down, and exhales a loud sigh of relief.) What, are you tired, Poppie?


text:
(Poppie stands up and takes the money.) Anyway, I'm sorry again about the...(notices a large, wet stain on his couch)...the...the...


text:
It's just a natural human function...happens to be on my sofa, instead of in the toilet, where it would normally be.


text:
Oh yeah, all the time, all the time...although, recently I've been thinking about this friend of mine.


text:
Oh, just this woman...she got impregnated by her troglodytic half-brother, and decided to have an abortion.


text:
Alright, put a little sauce on here... (speaks some unintelligible words in an Italian accent while spreading the sauce around.) Some cheese...


text:
You know, I'm sorry, I...I hate to be one of those people, but we're right in the middle of this thing...I can't hear.


text:
Well, if I could talk to the mothers and have sex with the daughters, then I'd really have something goin'.


text:
Elaine, I need you to proofread this report for my meeting with the Poland Creek Bottled Water people.


text:
Jerry, you stand on the threshold to the magical world of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of!


text:
(feminine grunts and sighs can be heard as they watch the tape) Look at the height, Jerry, the extension!


text:
(gets up to leave as George and Jerry continue to watch, mouths agape) Perhaps you'd like to keep the tape?


text:
Uh, I mean I thought I was entering a 'magical world' of sensual delights, but it was just so ordinary.


text:
So lemme ask you this: how long would you say I have to put in now because of, you know, last night.


text:
(grabs newspapers from trash bin, begins wiping windshield) Here you go, now don't worry about a thing.


text:
(on phone, as Jerry gestures beside him) No, Lindsay, I had accidentally spilled coffee on the gentleman's windshield.


text:
(in polo outfit, complete with jacket and high boots) I didn't send you over there to complain about the name.


text:
When the elephants came by, he would scream curses at them, blaming them for all the ills of society.


text:
Lemme just... (reaches into purse) Yeah, I've got it... (pulls out both hands completely covered in black ink) Oh!


text:
(puts finger to face, smearing ink on his upper lip which now resembles an 'Adolph Hitler'-style moustache) Do I have time to change?


text:
(voiceover) Ladies and gentlemen, could I direct your attention to the center ring, where the incomparable Misha will balance ten stories above the circus floor on a wire no wider than a human thumb.


text:
In my country, they speak of a man so virile, so potent, that to spend a night with such a man is to enter a world of such sensual delights most women dare not dream of.


text:
Yeah, I'm huge (ducks his head into his right shoulder with false modesty) Well, I'll leave you guys alone.


text:
It's just horse manure (huh huh - laughs, he points back at the horse that walked by) Horse manure's not that bad.


text:
Well she got up to the line of scrimmage, didn't like the looks of the defense and changed the play.


text:
I'm just saying there's a chance she may not have been enamored with your thoughts and feelings on manure.


text:
Well as I see it, you've got to apply the same principles that get you fired, but redirected, outwardly.


text:
Well you gotta have something -- (rummages through Jerry's cupboards and refrigerator) -- I can't go back in there with no food.


text:
You tell your friend George, that the next time I see him around here, I'm going to turn him into my Own, Personal, Hand-Puppet.


text:
I was supposed to leave tomorrow, but all of a sudden, I've been set up with a job interview that might enable me to extend my visit indefinitely.


text:
He wanted your address - you, my friend, are going to be invited to his night-before-Thanksgiving party.


text:
(Elaine raises her hands triumphantly, then gleefully struts her way to the kitchen.) You know, he's got that great apartment on 77th street, and they overlook where they inflate all those huge balloons for the Macy's Thankgiving Day Parade?


text:
(Mimics brushing his teeth) Away from the gums... (The door opens a little, George jangles the keys to his new car at Jerry and Elaine, then enters.)


text:
Well, if they don't get some business, they're gonna have to shut down and make way for one of those gourmet coffee or cookie stores.


text:
It's your go-go corporate takeover lifestyles that are driving out these Mom and Pop stores and destroying the fabric of this neighborhood.


text:
(Lies on the couch and cracks the back of his head against the armrest.) Hey, what's with your ceiling?


text:
And by doing so, he becomes our seventh person to land the WFBB-sponsored Woody Woodpecker balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.


text:
when we come back, you'll have three more chances to win a spot holding a rope under Woody Woodpecker.


text:
Everybody's talkin' at me...I can't hear a word they're sayin'...just drivin' around in Jon Voight's car...


text:
Jerry, I left you a pair right here...(goes into Jerry's room and comes out with a pair of cowboy boots.) C'mon.


text:
Ah, but he called me up and he asked for yours and Elaine's addresses, I'm sure that means I'm invited.


text:
Hey, why would you call someone up and ask them for two addresses if you're not invited to the party?


text:
Well I'm afraid you're gonna have to do something about it, because it's in violation of the building code.


text:
(Elaine gives Jerry a cold cloth for his jaw.) You know, maybe his name really is J-O-H-N, but he changed it to J-O-N for show business.


text:
Did he say, 'Why would Jerry bring anything?' or, 'Why would Jerry bring anything?' You emphasize 'Jerry' or 'bring.'


text:
(Rubs his eyes wearily.) Uh, I make a motion that we have no more of these meetings that have been initiated by George Costanza.


text:
Um, it was, uh...'Next Stop Pottersville.' (The group is unimpressed.) Uh, do you know when they're giving out the passes?


text:
(Jerry nervously laughs like Woody Woodpecker as the breeze from the popped balloon blows in the window.)


text:
I was at a garage sale, and this old couple sold me a used pair of sneakers they claimed belonged to Jerry Seinfeld, the comedian.


text:
So ah, I'm afraid this is not going to work out (he crumples her resume into a ball) Thanks for coming in.


text:
(both George and the attractive female applicant stand up as George reaches across the desk and shakes her hand for coming in)


text:
(George hangs up his raincoat next to the door) I'm telling you Jerry, having a secretary is incredible.


text:
This woman was just walking by said I looked like Demi (the 'i' sounds like an 'e') Moore in Indecent Proposal.


text:
(she pushes George and Jerry in their respective chests, with her arms extended -- one arm for each of them -- they recoil with surprise)


text:
Hey look, if you're going there, maybe you could pick me up some of this super hydrating, it's a total-protection moisturizer with Uva.


text:
Oh sure we have our little group here, but ... (he looks and gestures out towards George and Jerry, as Elaine walks back into the bedroom to change out of the dress -- Kramer scratches his head in sort of disbelief)


text:
OK, now I projected some of those figures for you regarding the switch to Canola oil for the stadium popcorn and surprisingly it will only come to 1/2 a cent more per bag, so it is definitely doable.


text:
(coyly, he looks down and runs his finger along the top of the chair back in front of him) Do you, uh ... do you know what I'm ... thinking about now?


text:
(looking towards the theater door, Jerry notices one of the movie goers) Hey, isn't that Willie, my dry-cleaner?


text:
Yeah, well, I guess the only thing I can do is go into George Steinbrenner's office and tell him he has to give her a raise.


text:
And I think, that the department of ... you know, whatever, would be very interested to know what's going on here.


text:
(to the Barney's sales associate) Excuse me, could you tell me where I could find, like, women's moisturizer lotions?


text:
Elaine puts her head down and her hand to her forehead as she walks into the dressing room area) Kramer, are you still in there?


text:
Because, uhh, I don't want to get in between you two guys but ... I need a dry-cleaning ticket that's in the pocket of those pants.


text:
Yeah, yeah all right, well uh ... tell you what I will do Bania -- you give me the ticket, and uh, I will take you out for a nice dinner.


text:
Steinbrenner, how can I be expected to perform my job properly, knowing that my uh, subordinate is making more money than I am?


text:
Uh huh, I understand what you're saying George and I know what it's like to be financially strapped.


text:
If you are a waitress and you ever see me in a restaurant, I'm telling you right now, I don't want to hear about the specials.


text:
The veil is lightly slapped, and then sequestered in a one-bedroom suite with a white wine intravenous.


text:
When we were in the ninth grade they had us all line up at one end of the school yard for this big race to see who was going to represent the school in this track meet.


text:
Wow, gee, man it must be a bummer for you guys what with the fall of the soviet empire and everything .


text:
So when you get a rash all over your face in January do you think Coleman's will be there with a medical plan?


text:
Well, I guess I started losing it when I was about twenty-eight right around the time I made my first million.


text:
Yes, yes, you know I was in detention and she came up behind me while I was erasing the blackboard .


text:
- ( hangs up ) My secretary Ada, told Mr Steinbrenner I'm a Communist Now he wants to see me in his office.


text:
You know George, it struck me today me that a Communistpipeline into the vast reservoir of Cuban baseball talent could be thegreatest thing ever to happen to this organization.


text:
Ordinarily I would not grant such a request but I've heard you are, uh, how you say, Communista simpatico, eh?


text:
Of course the problem with parties is you invariably have to eat standing up which I don't care for but on the other hand I don't like to balance a plate on my lap either.


text:
It was a great sounding laugh too, kind of lilting and feminine--none of those big coarse 'ha's.' You know those?


text:
And the worst part of course is that she also possessed many of the other qualities prized by the Superficial Man.


text:
Well, if I hear you correctly--and I think that I do--my advice to you is to finish your meal, pay your check, leave here, and never mention this to anyone again.


text:
Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch?


text:
Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200--somewhere--there were two women living together.


text:
Firstly, the very mention of the idea will cause Sandy to recoil in disgust, whereupon she will insist that I remove myself from the premises.


text:
At this point, it is inevitable that she will seek out the roommate to apprise her of this abhorrent turn of events.


text:
The roommate will then offer her friend the requisite sympathy even as part of her cannot help but feel somewhat flattered by her inclusion in the unusual request.


text:
Once the initial awkwardness is relieved with a little playful humor, which she [Laura] of course cannot resist, an invitation to a friendly dinner is proffered.


text:
Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank god that you know me and have access to my dementia?


text:
I'd have to grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd need a new bedspread and new curtains I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirso lighting.


text:
Plus, she'd ask about the sleeping arrangements, that whole sleeping arrangement conversation is depressing.


text:
(brushing newspapers off the table with his foot and setting the game board down)  Alright, that's perfect.


text:
 Oh, he did some dental work for me and he didn't charge me so I thought I'd get him a Christmas present.


text:
 Oh, it's Risk, it's a game of world domination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives.


text:
When you come out of the shower and you put your robe on, do you cinch it real tight, are you concerned about that?


text:
Is there any rubbing, touching, finger manipulation on the other person, and if so, who's making the request?


text:
 As soon as we walked in, he got a call from one of his patients with an impacted molar or something so he had to leave.


text:
I think he regifted, he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Super Bowl sex romp.


text:
I just hope Tim Whatley's electric bills don't suddenly get lost in the mail, or it could be lights out for him.


text:
I've driven you out of Western Europe and I've left you teetering on the brink of complete annihilation.


text:
(visibly upset)  Well, I bought it for you because you were so nice to me for not charging me for the dental work.


text:
 Well I, uh, I'm not sure how you pronounce it or anything, but I, uh, I believe it's M&eacute;nage &agrave;


text:
First, Kramer almost beat me at Risk but I narrowly escaped, and then Tim Whatley gives me his Super Bowl ticket.


text:
(admonishing) You know Gary, I really have to say, I'm a little bit hurt that you didn't decide to confide in me.


text:
That fine was never paid, and since then that scofflaw has piled up more parking tickets than anyone in New York City.


text:
If you're going there, (following her out the door) maybe you can get him to tell you where he got those glasses.


text:
(takes the book from the guy and signs it herself) How can you say that I still like you, when I didn't even say hi to you?


text:
Did you know he was so worried about losing more hair if he had to get chemo treatment, I bought him an unlimited gift certificate at the Hair Team For Men, just to put his mind at ease?


text:
So you're telling me, because you're getting free parking, I gotta pretend this guy had cancer when he didn't?


text:
Anyway, I admit I was dumb to go to the bookstore to tell him I didn't say hi, but he didn't have to act so smug.


text:
Well, you know in the old days, when the senators didn't vote the way that the party leaders wanted 'em to... they whipped them.


text:
She thinks a guy who lies about a life-threatening illness, so he can get some phony hair has perspective?


text:
You got your natural little curls on the bottom, and then that big phony mat coming down on top of 'em.


text:
So you keep it a secret your whole life, then at your funeral the mortician comes out (as mortician) 'Here, Mrs Costanza, I thought you might want this'.


text:
It's no secret that it's my dream to have my own publishing house, and if this Jake Jarmel book does, you know, what I think it's gonna do.


text:
I have given this matter some very serious consideration and I've decided that what's best for the city and possibly for yourself, is for you to keep your car, in a garage...


text:
Why don't you get a pair of white shoes, move down to Miami Beach and get the whole thing over with?


text:
I think you're being disruptive, and you make it very difficult for your friend here to improve his life!


text:
I'm trying to prevent my friend from becoming one of those guys people snicker at behind their back, because they look ridiculous!


text:
(at lectern) And now, uh, ladies and gentlemen of the press, it is my pleasure to introduce you to Mr Jake Jarmel.


